Man Of My Dream

I awoke with a strange dream in my head and because I don’t want to forget it, I’m writing about it.  What do you think it means?  Well, here is goes…

***

I was working in a restaurant and I think I was the hostess.  I had on high heels and a black dress that was comfy, but pretty.  It was the end of the night and the staff was seated around a big oval table in a corner of the dining room.  It was my first night and I was exhausted, but I was happy to have been included in their end of the night relaxation and subsequent cocktail.  I remember quietly slipping my feet in and out of my heels, flexing them because they hurt a little, hoping nobody would notice my bare feet under the table.

I was drinking something alcoholic in a rocks glass (you know what they are right?) and it was in front of me.  To my right was a nice tall man who I had worked with most of the night.  All of the workers were like a family and I felt grateful that they had asked me to sit and chat with them.

The conversation was lively and happy.  Everyone had had a good night.  It was a small, upscale restaurant with a rustic look.  Suddenly a man appeared to my left and sat down in an empty chair across the table from me.  I hadn’t remembered seeing him during the night so I wasn’t sure who he was.  Everyone continued talking and laughing.  Some nodded to him as if to acknowledge his arrival, but nobody said anything to him directly.  They just kept talking.  He looked tired too, but contented, sitting back, relaxed in the chair.  I remember looking at him and he smiled at me, so I smiled back, and then I looked away to seem to be interested in the banter around the table.

He kept looking at me, long after the initial smile.  I remember feeling him looking at me and it was not uncomfortable.   Frankly, it felt electric in a peaceful, soothing way.  It was as if the cords of our souls were intertwining.  He was sipping his drink in a similar rocks glass, listening to the staff talk around him.  I noticed he was playing with his glass a little bit, unconsciously spinning it slowly.

The nice man to my right looked over to the new arrival and casually introduced us.  I don’t remember his name.  What I remember is that when I met his gaze again, it was as if we were connected and he knew it.  He smiled a lazy, intriguing smile at me as if he knew what I was thinking.  I was embarrassed but I smiled back, saying the perfunctory greeting of nice to meet you, then reverted my eyes again to the center of the table to pretend to join in the conversation around me. 

I don’t remember his voice, nor his name.  All I remember is the feeling of profound connection to him.  He had dark hair and a beard (I’m not into facial hair on a man) but there was something utterly, indescribably special about him.  I felt like I had known him always and that we had been together.  It was such a strong feeling that I was immediately embarrassed.  I mean, who thinks these things initially upon meeting a complete stranger?

Nervously, I was twirling the rim of my glass with my index finger (which is so unlike me in reality) when suddenly, my glass began to spin counterclockwise – all by itself on the table in front of me.  Slowly at first, then faster and faster.  I let go of the glass as it was moving on its own.  The entire table of people hushed immediately, all eyes staring at my glass.  They had surprised looks on their faces, but not shocked, while I was shocked!

After spinning for a few more seconds on its own, my glass flew off of the table, skimming over my right shoulder, across the restaurant and landed on the floor, breaking into pieces.  The staff broke the silence with excited laughter as I scurried across the restaurant to go clean it up.  The nice man next to me came over with a small hand broom and dustpan.  I was breathless, not knowing what had just happened.  He knelt next to me on the floor and began helping me to pick up the remaining broken shards of my glass.

It’s the ghost, he said softly without flinching.  You’re the one.  She’s declaring it. 

What?  I asked perplexed. I looked up into his face to see if he was kidding with me.

She’s feeling it.  We all did.  My heart skipped a few beats as moments passed silently while I tried to make sense of what he had just said to me so nonchalantly.  I shook my head slightly to clear the cobwebs.  Had I heard him right?

Feeling what?  I asked as I stared straight into his eyes.

The connection between you both.  It was instant and electric.  

How could he know?  My mind was racing.  Settle down, I told myself.  Deep breath.  Get ahold of yourself.

What are you talking about?  I asked him pointedly.  Ok, I had felt something, but the whole staff felt it too?  And a ghost is confirming it?  I kept looking at him quizzically, waiting for the laughter or the punchline to confirm that he was kidding around with me.  But he was serious.

Come on, Janie.  You felt it.  We all did.  He sat down and that was it.  The atmosphere, it changed immediately.  I  haven’t felt it that strongly since I started working here.  But as soon as it happened, I knew it.  It’s really cool that it happened when I was here.

I don’t understand.  My mind was racing.  What was he talking about???

You felt the connection with him, right?

Uh, yes… I felt something, I stuttered, not knowing what to say or how much to say to this man.

Well, she declared it.  She gave us all proof.  And with that, he scooped up the dustpan with the glass shards all cleaned up and stood up, so I did too.

Proof of what?  I turned to look at him again, noting that he was so much taller than me, especially now that my heels were off.

That you are meant to be together.

I felt wobbly standing next to him, wondering what everyone else was thinking and how I could explain that I was standing barefoot in the restaurant.  When I jumped up to chase my flying broken glass, I had forgotten that my shoes were off of my feet.  I hadn’t had time to think.  I had simply raced after it.  Now my toes were digging into the plush carpet and I was hoping that nobody would notice – and that we had gotten up all the glass shards.

I turned to face the staff table with the nice man next to me.  Everyone was staring at us and smiling big, toothy grins.  One by one, they began to stand and applaud.  The last one to stand was the man with whom I had connected.  As I locked eyes with him, he was smiling too.

***

The morning alarm began it’s rhythmic beeping and I woke up, drenched in sweat, not knowing where I was, as the dream was that real.  I sat up in bed, remembering the dream from which I had been jolted awake.

Interesting, huh?  I have a secret smile on my face today that only you know about dear friends.  Only once in my life did I feel a similar connection to a man, but that was over 30 years ago and it didn’t work out.  I wonder what the dream means???

Any intuitives out there?  Does anyone want to tell me what they think of my dream?

 

 

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Chicken Soup

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My kid is sick and I’m feeling yucky too.  I think we’re getting colds.  So, I made a pot of homemade chicken soup.  I always tell the kids that I put in extra love so that they will feel better.  I’m hoping that works tonight because I curled up on the couch under a big comfy blanket and just ate a bowl.  If I knew what went into a hot toddy, I might have had one of those too.  Isn’t a hot toddy supposed to help with a cold?

I hate being sick, but it’s the weekend, so we can stay home, eat chicken soup, drink hot chocolate and I can watch Hallmark Christmas specials.  I’m so glad that I remembered to buy the marshmallows for the cocoa and some cold meds just in case!   I hope you’re feeling healthy and happy.

Have you got any good cold remedies?  Just thought I’d ask…

 

 

 

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Being Ok With Being 50

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I love to know what makes people tick.  I love to hear what they’re thinking and listen with an open mind to what they are saying, I mean really saying when they talk.  It always amazes me that people open up to me, strangers even, with such vulnerability.  I guess I should have been a counselor in my life, but that ship has sailed.  I’m not going back to school any time soon.  But in the meantime, I enjoy helping people to find peace.  I’m not certified in anything except life school and I’ve had a bunch of exams that thankfully I’ve passed – life changing moments and tragedies.

But I’m still here!

I could talk about most situations with strangers.  I’m an open book these days at age 50.  In fact, I like being my age and wouldn’t want to be younger, even though that’s not the common thread among my age group.  Many lament that they wish they were younger, but not me.  I’m proud that I have lived through what I have and I’m still here.  I find enjoyment in helping others and if I weren’t the age I am, with the experiences I’ve had, I wouldn’t be able to help them.  You can’t understand unless you have been through something similar.  That’s just a fact.

So I embrace my age of 50!  I’m happy to have made it to this place of peace.  Sure, my life’s not perfect, but it’s mine and I’m embracing every piece and peace of it!

How about you?  How do you feel about your age?

 

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Relocate

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After divorcing and having to sell the family home, my kids and I had to relocate which was hard.  We found a house to rent and moved in.  I dubbed it the transition house.  It really is the transition house because it’s the place we’re living after the divorce, but it’s not permanent.

Recently, I went past our old house and it’s funny.  I didn’t feel a pull towards it at all which is really unlike me because I thought I would pine over it.  We had tons of memories in it as the kids had lived there their whole lives.  But as I sat in my car across the street from it, I felt nothing.  It wasn’t numbness.  It was simply peace.  And, boy oh boy, did that feel good!

Because it means I am healing for which I’m grateful.  Recently while decorating the transition house, I’m feeling more and more at peace here.  It’s not great and certainly not my first choice, but the house has delivered what was needed.  A house to live in that’s safe.  What more do I need than that to protect my kids and me?

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And Laughed And Laughed…

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And God promised men

that good and obedient

wives would be found

in all corners of the world.

Then He made the

earth round… and laughed

and laughed and laughed.

– Unknown

A friend sent this to me and I had the biggest laugh!  Not because I didn’t want to be a good and obedient wife and not because I wasn’t for the most part.  I would love to be a wife again, but I won’t be who I was before.  Instead I will be me, authentically me.

By the way, this wasn’t a husband bashing quote!  It just struck me as so funny!

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Pretty In Pink

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I guess I’m showing my age to tell you that I liked the movie Pretty In Pink, but then again, the name of my blog is Authentically 50 so that gave it away already!   I’ve been going down memory lane lately and remembering how I used to be when I was a carefree girl.  I used to love to laugh.  I was flirty and felt very self-confident.  I wasn’t too shy or too extroverted.  I was just right back then and I want to return to that girl who has evolved into the woman I am.

I want to feel Pretty In Pink!

I was in college when the movie came out, but I remembered those high school experiences as well.  Now that I’m divorced and a woman of a certain age, when Molly Ringwald says, I just want them to know that they didn’t break me, it makes me think of how far I’ve come from that girl who desperately wanted to be accepted, to be loved for who she was and to not be controlled.  Recently the healing has been flowing in waves and I can stand stronger now and not let others’ inaccurate perspective of me matter.

It feels soooo good!  I am not battling with myself anymore to fit in, to be the good girl and to accept bad treatment.  I let it go.  Freedom is becoming mine!  It certainly took me long enough, but I guess that’s how grief works.  Its healing comes in its’ own sweet time, whether I liked it or not.

So take a stroll down memory lane…have you seen Pretty In Pink?  Do you remember it?

 

 

 

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A Ladybug In My House

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I found a ladybug on the curtain in my house!

I came in last night and saw something crawling on the curtain in my family room.  It’s cold here so I couldn’t imagine what it was.  Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was a ladybug!  So when I called up my best friend and told her, immediately she reminded me of one of my favorite movies – Under The Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane.  Have you seen it?

Below is the clip I found on youtube which talks about sadness and ladybugs.  Maybe this will remind you, like it did me, that we need to get on with our lives and it will all fall into place.  At least that’s my take on it and considering the healing that’s begun, the ladybug is a welcome friend in my home now!

Sorry, I couldn’t find a good one without Spanish subtitles, but the original movie is there and in English.  I hope you enjoy!

Cheers to ladybugs for us all!

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