No Covid, But I’m Sick

I know I’m super sensitive so that’s partly the reason for wanting to step out of it all. There’s so much going on lately behind the scenes in all parts of my life. I can’t really explain it to any one because I really don’t know how to tell it, so I don’t. I don’t speak of it.

I’ve spent the last week and a half sick. Like fever of over 100 sick, extreme tiredness sick, coughing what feels like my left lung up, stuffed up nose and head, congested lungs…I could go on and on. But after being rapid tested again for the second time, I’m still covid negative. I even had a chest X-ray which looked clear (although they scared me with a shadow). Whew.

I’ve been laying on the couch in my hot house with the air conditioner blasting watching Netflix and falling asleep to shows over and over. I can’t keep my eyes open, nor do I care to at all. Because I’m feeling done lately. Not like I’m going to off myself, but just done with everything. I’m tired of shouldering it all and so maybe getting so freaking sick is my body/mind giving me a way to just escape from the world and all the baloney.

Well, I’ll take it. But I’d love a side of air-conditioning that works, unless with all the sweating I’ve been doing, means that I’m losing weight. LOL

Duck Duck Goose!

Do you remember playing this game – Duck Duck Goose! – as you tapped someone on the head and they jumped up to run around the seated circle of kids while you ran to get to your spot before they tagged you? Or is that one of those Gen X games that nobody remembers playing?

I was thinking last night about how as Gen X’ers we had different rules than nowadays. I know that I parent differently than my own parents did me, even though there are similarities. Often I’m reminded of how life was different back then. My childhood wasn’t really a walk in the park with an overbearing father and a traditional mostly stay-at-home mother who between them had secrets. But what legacy they gave me was this: RESILIENCE.

Fall off of your bike? You had to get back on. Learn to swim? I was tossed into the pool. Overcome fear of the ocean? Dragged in and left there to battle the waves, alone, while he watched from the shoreline.

Face the fear and do it anyway. Or be tossed in to face the fear and survive. Does any of this feel similar to your childhood? And if you’re a parent now, do you do the same that was done to you? Or did you soften it or not push your kids at all?

I don’t push my kids as I was pushed in the same manner. However, I will make them ‘get back up on the horse’ when they have fallen off and are afraid to ride. It’s that inner Knowing that they can do it, they just have to face the fear and they will realize that they can do it again. But I am a big believer in not letting fear after something happens keep them from enjoying something.

Example: One kid had a car accident. Hit almost head on. Car was totaled, but luckily neither was hurt. The accident took place near our home on a highway we frequently drive. Two days after the accident, I asked him to take me somewhere in my car. He didn’t want to do it, but I insisted. I had already driven him past the intersection a few times when he was safely a passenger. When he drove my car, I was the passenger. I watched his hands clench on the steering wheel, but he did it. We repeated it a few times until he thought he was more comfortable and then he drove it alone in the car. He was very unhappy with my parenting at the time, but it has made him stronger and I stand by my technique.

Do you have any examples? What do you think about RESILIENCE?

Behind The Scenes

It was a bit of a rough last week here at Chez Leeds. Tons of stuff going on front and center with lots of behind the scenes crap being revealed. Changes in relationships, truths being revealed and the noticing of the subtle and sometimes, not so subtle, movement behind the scenes as puppeteers do their best to manipulate others. In other words, it hasn’t been a lot of fun.

While I can’t reveal all that’s been going on here, I can say that I think this is similar to what’s going on in the world at large as well. There’s a sleight of hand going on behind the scenes that needs to be revealed. I’m not really into conspiracy theories so I’m not going down the rabbit hole, but in general, I’ve got my eyes wide open and trying not to blink, so I don’t miss anything.

Because the truth comes out eventually. Even the best of narcissists can’t keep it together continuously. While they’re masters at manipulation, juggling all of those lies is increasingly harder. People are seeing the twists of truths, downright evasion of answers and blanks in their ‘stories’ more and more. I do my best to not live in fear because I don’t think that helps anyone. Keeping our energies higher heals more than it hurts. But keeping eyes and ears wide open, in my opinion, is a must.

What I’m trying to do is to stay grounded, centered and aware. I’ve noticed people are hurting and even though we are not quarantined anymore, some are quarantined in their thinking and this makes life hard for them. So I’m trying to keep channels of communication open along with infusing them with love and seeing the bigger picture. Because in the end, I don’t need to be right. I want to live with peace in my heart.

But it’s hard to stand by, trying to guide the kids while not revealing sources or knowledge that I have. I want to sweep in to fix it all, but I know this is a life lesson they need to have in order to grow, to learn and to be better people. But it stinks when they are afraid to admit to seeing the ‘writing on the wall’ and instead, turn a blind eye. And I get it. I did that same thing for years because I wanted to believe the narcissist, and if I did actually process what was written on the proverbial wall, my tender heart would fall apart.

I wish someone had sat me down earlier to make me read the wall, put the missing pieces into the puzzle and realize what was going on behind the scenes. But I was not ready to listen when someone did tell me early on. I couldn’t fathom the duplicity and it took me a long time to realize what I had known, but wouldn’t allow myself to really see.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s this: if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like one, then it is. We can question what type of duck, how much of a duck it resembles, but it remains a duck all the same.

Holding Out For A Hero

Do you remember that song by Bonnie Tyler? I remember hearing it in Footloose the movie with Kevin Bacon back in the 80’s and I also remembered hearing it in one of the Shrek movies too. Do you recognize it?

The reason it came up is because my friends and I have been talking about dating and how it’s hard to find nice men and how dating apps allow for a lot of scamming. We were lamenting over how it was so much easier to date when we were younger than now as we’re divorced and over 50, with custody of the kids who are in the house. Sigh.

We’re not really holding out for a hero, but we wouldn’t say no, LOL. We don’t need him to be a fighter either, nor larger than life. Nope. But yup, it might take a Superman to sweep us off of our feet these days…Boy do I feel for the men our age..and I feel for us.

Because even though we would like to meet someone nice, we’ve also begun to realize that the traditional stuff is fading from our lives. When we need something, we reach out to each other. We grab drinks at the bar and make it a girls’ night out (I confess, we’re still looking at the men there though). But when we need to talk with someone about our day, we pick up the phone for support and kindness. Something we might have done with our exes, but now we share. And it’s really satisfying to talk with a friend who will let you process and give you her honest opinion and not try to fix the situation because…we’re not helpless. We can do it. We just need a friend to process it with in order to clearly see what is needed to be done.

I’m thinking that even when we find someone special, it’s going to be different than before because we have all made such strong friendship bonds that he’ll be relieved to be off the hook with all the conversations. He can just be the boyfriend, Significant Other or whatever. There won’t be that pressure to be a Superhero anymore. We’ve raised our kids. We’re healed. We want someone to enjoy time with, but we don’t need him for financial reasons, for opening the stuck peanut butter jar (we’ve figured a way around that now), nor for a myriad of other reasons from our youth.

We need good men. Honest, faithful and self-assured and he can be vulnerable, truthful and own his life choices as we do. We’re not expecting perfection. We want healed. And a partnership with us to enjoy life’s experiences now that we’re older. Older, but not dead. LOL No game playing. Just put your cards on the table and let’s see if we can make a match. And if not, then we wish you well.

How does that sound? That’s as far as my friends and I got in our thinking about a Mr. Next Relationship…

P.S. Below are the lyrics to the song…are you singing them too?

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods
Where’s the streetwise Hercules
To fight the rising odds
Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed
Late at night I toss and I turn
And I dream of what I need

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life
Larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There’s someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It’s gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than lifeI need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the end of the night

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear there is someone somewhere watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than lifeI need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the morning light
He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’till the end of the night

Untamed

A friend suggested I read this book called Untamed by Glennon Doyle and what an incredible eye-opener it’s been! While I haven’t finished the book yet, I wanted to ask if any of you have read it??? Because it’s got some incredible nuggets of wisdom that have been helping me. In fact, I find that I only read a bit at a time, so that I can let it sink into my soul.

From the book:

The truest, most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie that it’s supposed to be.

Read that quote above again slowly. Sit with it for a few minutes. Can you feel the healing energy that comes with it? Simple, yet direct wisdom.

How many times have you wondered why your life is so hard? And you question what happened to you, why it happened and what you did to deserve it? We can get all tangled up in those questions and mire ourselves in them for years.

Or we can navigate our way through the messy limiting beliefs, societal rules and really become Authentically Us! It’s up to you my friends.

I’m choosing Authentically Janie and learning to drop all of the ‘rules’ that I have lived by my whole life. I’m dropping the expectations, the ‘this is the way you behave’ and ‘this is how it’s done’ mess that I have been caged by for my entire life.

Anyone else feel like reading the book along with me and going on a journey of self-discovery?

Helping A Friend Through The Aftermath Of Divorce

I spent all day yesterday with a friend who’s divorced. Although our kids were in school together, we weren’t friends. We met after the ex left me via mutual friends. Subsequently her marriage imploded and so we bonded. She’s doing well in the healing process but needed a little extra help so yesterday we spent a lot of time connecting the dots of how her childhood, her beliefs and what happened with the divorce could be processed in order to give her peace. I feel like we had a lot of ‘a-ha’ moments of clarity and when she left, I think she felt better. Sometimes you just need someone to be with you as you go through what happened and why, in order to put the puzzle pieces together and then rearrange them for this new life that’s here.

Because that’s what healing after divorce is about – gathering up the puzzle pieces of your old life to decide what you’re keeping and what you’re releasing – and then making a new image for the next chapter.

Her husband cheated and she found out. I don’t know for sure about my kids’ father because he didn’t get caught, but I’m pretty sure he did as well. There are too many questionable things that happened throughout the marriage that at the time I wasn’t able to understand. But time has a way of helping you to see what you didn’t want to back then. So I think it’s easier for me than it is for her. But we worked through that as well and luckily she sees the value in her life now without him which helps her to heal. But letting go of the Story of Us is hard for anyone who’s been left in a relationship, especially when the leaver won’t be honest. As hard as honesty is, I’d rather blunt truth than a string of lies, but that’s me. How do you feel about it?

Tuesday With Mr. Kitty

Well, we’ve made it through another night together, Fido, Mr. Kitty and me. I was awakened before dawn by Mr. Kitty who was standing on my chest and energetically licking my face for me to get up. Seriously? Apparently breakfast is demanded by 5am here. I am not a fan of the face licking, nor the hour. Thank goodness I figured out their fancy coffee maker so that I didn’t have to sleepily try to do that! I’m a girl who needs her coffee first thing in the morning!

But no, when I didn’t hop up when Mr. Kitty gave my face its wake up, Fido took over and began his deep insistent bark to punctuate the situation. And because I didn’t want to have to clean up any messes, I hopped off the couch to let him out immediately. He went out, did his thing and was back in the house in a flash showing more energy than ever. I fed them both and groggily went up to turn on the coffee. Now I think I need a nap but I’m not sure these two will allow it. LOL

I’m a day behind so let me catch you up. Even with the extreme heat, Fido was barking to go out every few minutes so dutifully I took him. Because he wanders away from the yard now, I had to accompany him, but I did it. He did scare me a few times when his back legs buckled (hip dysplasia), but I wanted him to know I was always nearby. Who at the end doesn’t want to know that they are supported and loved?

It’s Wednesday morning. We had a good night last night and this morning I awoke before the pets. Mr. Kitty didn’t have to wake me! It’s been a good morning so far and they’ll be home later on this afternoon. I FaceTimed with my brother and his family so Fido could see them and hear their voices. He perked up when they were talking to him so I know he’ll be excited to have his family back home.

I took some photos and videos for them. I think they’re taking him to the vet on Friday so we’ll see what happens. I am grateful I was here for him/them. It was good for all of us. I hope you all have a Happy Wednesday! Thanks for all of your support!!

Monday With Fido

I’m here at my brother’s home taking care of his dog Fido and Mr. Kitty while they’re away. We made it through Monday together pretty well. I think Fido and I have a little understanding. I stay within his view and he’s relaxed – LOL!

As I sit here typing, Fido is on his bed with his eyes at half mast breathing deeply and completely relaxed which is good. He’s nearing his end and I want to make it the best I can for him because he deserves it. We all do. Not just when we’re nearing our end of time on earth, but all the time. And I think that’s something we forget because we always think we have more time.

But life is short when you think about it. Life can be uncertain as there are no guarantees for anything which means changes can happen in the blink of an eye. Not to scare you, but to remind you…and myself. Which is why I have infinite patience with Fido right now. Whatever he wants, whatever makes him comfortable I am doing. Yup, I’m spoiling him even though my brother told me not to because it’s not fair to Fido that when they return from their trip that he won’t have someone’s undivided attention. But I don’t see it that way. I see it as Fido being pampered while I’m here. And sure, the regular family routine will begin again when I leave, but for now, why not have him feel super secure while his family is away?

I probably should ask you what you think because I’m not currently a dog owner so maybe the dog psyche is different. What do you think? Should I be spoiling Fido or keep to the family routine of coming and going all day long?

Dog Sitting

I’m going to my brother’s house next week to stay for a few days. It should be interesting as I’m going to be dog sitting his almost 14 year old dog and also his cat. I don’t mind because they’ve been generous to me, but I”m not used to dog sitting, especially when his dog is not doing well. I get it that they don’t want to leave him with just someone coming in to visit, but that they want a care giver there 24/7. And I’m happy to oblige. But I’m a little nervous that the dog will (like some people do), finally allow himself to pass away in my care.

Because the dog has been failing for about a year. HIs back legs and hips sometimes just collapse due to the retriever genes (and his age). He’s getting confused and goes in and out of the house about 50 times a day. And barks for no reason for long periods of time. Not to mention his wife told me that Fido’s incontinent so that I should expect occasional poop accidents. Oh joy.

Family is family so I’m going. And I have a huge soft spot for animals so it’s a no brainer. I’ll be there. And I’ll take care of Fido and Mr. Kitty. But I’m really hoping that Fido hangs on until they return and doesn’t pass away while I’m in charge. Not that they would blame me. I know they wouldn’t. But I have to really keep an eye on Fido considering he goes on walkabouts now that he’s starting dementia and doesn’t listen to instructions. It’s going to be like having a toddler that can’t tell you what’s wrong.

Their hearts won’t let them put Fido down yet even though they all admit the time is near. I wonder if they’re secretly hoping that they won’t have to make that difficult decision because something will happen while I’m there. Either Fido passes away naturally of his own volition or that I am forced to take him to the vet. I can handle it. I’ll spoil Fido while I’m there. I like him. He’s a good dog and just wants love. As for Mr. Kitty, he’s a bit cranky so we’ll just hang out when he wants and I’ll make sure I feed him on time (because his wife said the cat attacks when hungry)!

I’m sure I’ll have stories to tell next week. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my quiet home! LOL Hope you’re having a great weekend!