Dropping The Weight

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I saw a friend who I haven’t seen in 3 years.  When we last saw each other, my marriage was beginning to unravel.  Since she was divorced, it was easy to talk with her and to hear advice from someone who could see what I obviously couldn’t.

When I saw her recently, she remarked that I had lost weight.  I joked that divorce agrees with me, but that I wasn’t actively trying to lose weight (don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled with the thinner me)!  She laughed because I had taken her comment seriously, but she was just being funny and finally said, No, you dropped about 185 lbs – get it?  A husband?

It got me to thinking though that since the divorce, I am dropping the weight of toxic people, thoughts and things.  Letting go of what doesn’t serve me.  Being let go from his family and all that messy stuff.  Living a pared down life due to finances.  Eating better because it’s just the kids and me and our schedules are the same.  Feeling freer because I can simply be me and not have to be his wife.

Yes, indeed.  I’m dropping the weight and liking it!

 

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Posted in 50 years old, divorce, finding happiness at 50 | Tagged , , , | 9 Comments

I Release You

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I release you,

and your relationship with our kids.

That is your business, not mine.

My relationship with them is on me.

Yours is on you.

I will hug them and dry their tears when needed.

I will always be there for them.

If you disappoint them,

I’ll be there to listen and to soothe them.

Go your own way.

I’m here with my kids.

Right where I always was, still am and always will be.

 

Posted in daily prompt, divorce, love, poetry, the daily post | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

I Want To See You Be Brave

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This song touches me every time I hear it.  I could write you all the lyrics here because to me, they are all so meaningful in different ways during certain passages in my life with people.  But that would be redundant, so please just watch the video if you want. ♥

Authentically 50 means dropping the mask and being me without fear.  Being brave as the song beseeches.  Telling the truth and letting my words be anything but empty.  That’s the whole reason I write this blog.

It’s hard when you drop the mask of a perfect life.  On the outside, we had it all when I was married (or at least for years it looked like it).  But when the bloom was off the rose, the underbelly of dissent was evident.  It’s only now, years down the road that I can see clearly without too much angst that his leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me (besides birthing my kids).  It’s so strange to have been married for 20+ years to a man you don’t even recognize anymore – not physically, mentally nor emotionally.  I often wonder how that happened?

I wasn’t brave, I’ll admit.  Sure, I asked him what was going on, asked that we try harder to connect, but I think he was long gone in his head.  It is only years later when I look back in hindsight that I see this truth.  The one that I had blinded my own self to because I didn’t want to be brave.  Because I feared  it.

I remember once telling him that I didn’t like who I was with him.  It shocked me as it came out of my mouth and certainly threw him for a loop as well.  Even though my own mask on the outside was tilted, I threw it off right then and there, hoping for reciprocation and possible resolution.  I had loved his essence for years, but his mask stayed on, moving forward with more cement than I’d ever witnessed before that moment.  Our connection was lost.

Be brave.  Be authentically, wonderfully, unique you.  Don’t squash yourself for someone else.  It’s not worth it, even if you think you’re keeping the peace.  You’re not.  You’re just holding off the inevitable changes that are to come.

Say what you want to say and let the words fall out, honestly.  I want to see you be brave.

 

via Daily Prompt: Brave

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Risky

risky

I’ve learned that it’s risky, to show myself to the world.  Risky to wear my heart on my sleeve and to be vulnerable.  But that’s how I’m made innately.  I know that it’s risky to show your cards and wait for a response.  Risky to be me, all of me, with every quirk, heartache and talent on display.

Because I’ve met some who condemn that risky behavior and prefer to hide behind superficial lights.  I think it makes them feel powerful to hide behind their masks and point us out like circus monkeys.  It used to make me incredibly uncomfortable and heck, it still does, but I’m learning to let it go.

I am who I am.  I’m me – hearts and flowers, rose-colored glassy-eyed hopeful romantic who loves with her whole heart.  Loyal to a fault because I see the good in others even when they’re being downright demonic, for part of me understands that deep inside, they’re just trying to get what they feel they need –  which is either control or love in the way they speak their love language.

It’s hard at times being open-hearted because it terrorizes my brain with fear.  I think that’s why when my Ex said he didn’t want to do this anymore, I couldn’t wrap my mind around his words.  I am grateful to be divorced from him since he’s so disconnected and I applaud his courage in walking away, but it was incredibly hard for me to deal with the whole thing.  I mean, who ever thinks they’re going to get divorced?

I haven’t indulged in the risky behavior I’ve seen many of my divorced friends experience during their separation and divorces.  It’s just not me.  I can’t go have an affair just to prove I’m attractive because I’ve never been that girl who just had sex because I felt like it with a stranger.  I’m too spiritual for that because I give away my heart too easily in that intimate act.  I don’t condone those that do it and frankly, I’d love to try it in my head, but not in reality with my heart or body.  I think it would be a grave mistake for me.

So I keep the faith that someday there will be a man who I meet who will want to take things slowly and see how we connect before the big wham bam.  I’m not prude, but I’m not willing to expose myself to someone I don’t trust.  Recently, one of my kids asked when I was going to start dating since I’ve been separated for years and divorced officially for months now.  It was an interesting conversation with my kid who is light-years more mature than I ever was at his age.  I love how we can talk about most anything with respect, kindness and an open-heart.

Anyway, this post is all over the map with no bottom line, so let me finish before you click off if you haven’t already done so!  LOL

Cheers to those of us who risk our hearts fully every day.  We are the keepers of love and light.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

 

 

Posted in daily prompt, divorce, finding happiness at 50, love, the daily post | Tagged , , , | 16 Comments

Ascend

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Ascend

in euphoria,

gratitude swirling misty air.

Love’s shining beacon

sparkles with golden stardust

raining from the sky.

Sated soul

with peaceful stillness,

quiet mind,

heartbeat,

eyes closed,

sleep.

 

Posted in daily prompt, love, poetry | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Last Night I Succumbed

I succumbed

last night to the treachery.

I’m not proud of the display which I performed.

I let out some of your secrets

to our unsuspecting kids.

Rattled by the wool

you and your family herd

have packed onto them.

I let loose

a thunderous roar

of truth.

Shocked and appalled

I answered their questions,

steadily with honesty.

No more will the wool remain over their eyes.

I succumbed

to your low vibration.

I’m not proud of sinking so low.

You wore me down with the lies you feed them

as they were starving for reality.

As we untangled the woven lies

the golden nugget of truth shone through.

Now they have it

and we shall live in peace.

 

 

 

 

Posted in daily prompt, divorce, the daily post | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Plans Change

planschange

Plans change,

so take comfort in knowing

that life is full of change.

– Janie Leeds

Do you ever wake up and wonder how did I get here?  Do you ever think, this isn’t where I planned to be?  Well, pull up a chair along side me because what you’re thinking is what a lot of us have thought too!

My life hasn’t gone as planned and kudos to you if yours has!  I would love to know how many people’s lives have gone along as planned because lately, I’m finding many of us who are asking –

How the hell did I get here?

Take comfort in knowing life is full of change?  Did I really say that?  Have I lost my mind?  Who likes change when we’re comfy with what’s here right now?  And even if we’re not comfy, there’s a comfort in knowing that it’s not great, but it’s what we know.  I believed that the unknown is just that scary place that nobody wants to enter except daredevils and those with a death wish, because otherwise they’d play it safe.

For me, change seems like the only thing that’s to be counted on in life.  So many times I have not enjoyed the peace and tranquility to its fullest extent before a rash of changes uprooted me and tore me into a tailspin, leaving me broken and bleeding from the heart with emotion.  I’m not looking for pity either because we all have our stories, our pains and our hurts.  I’m just saying that I think our lives are like the sea.

Stormy weather comes and shakes us up and then we get the calm for a bit.  Sometimes there’s that proverbial calm before the storm where we have little clue as to the hurricane that’s coming to make us either give up and cry uncle or swim like our lives depend on it.

I look back on my life and then look to the future and it doesn’t scare me half as much as it should.  Maybe because I’ve almost drowned a few times (not really, but you know what I mean) that whatever happens, I know I’ll face it and get on with life or not.  I’m not suicidal by any means because I can’t ever leave my kids, ever.  But the threat of illness or anything else catastrophic that could happen to me, I know I’ll just have to deal with it.  As long as it hasn’t anything to do with my kids.  That’s where the tiger mom in me lets her stubborn fighter out and nobody will get in my way. LOL  I bet you’re like that too if you’re a parent.

I think we fear change because the unknown is a scary place.  I know that for me, I never wanted a divorce because even though it wasn’t great, it was what I knew.  And even though now that I’m divorced (and note – I divorced him), I’m still flummoxed as to where to go from here.  Is that where you have been before too?

It’s like a holding pattern, waiting for that next tsunami because you know it’s coming, instead of riding the easy waves of peace for awhile and enjoying the calm.  I have hopes for a new chapter and it’s here, but it’s not opening the way I would like.  But honestly, I don’t know what I want.

 

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments