What’s In A Lie?

A lie is a lie.

A white lie is a lie.

A half truth is a lie.

A hidden truth is a lie.

A lie by omission is a lie.

Intended deception is a lie.

A false impression is a lie.

A lie is a lie.

Original Poem by Janie Leeds

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Posted in divorce, poetry | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Life Is Tough These Days

There’s some blood moon, wolf moon eclipse coming and it sure feels like the world’s people have become untethered.  Me included.  So much debris floating under the surface, just when I thought things were getting better.  But they’re not getting better.  There’s more deluge of lies that I’m uncovering and trying to sift through.

It’s hard when you’re divorced from a narcissist who lies.  Because on one hand, you loved this man and believed him back when you were married.  You still, in your heart, want to believe what he says to you (when he talks to you).  You can’t help it.  Sprinkle in that he has been diagnosed with cancer and you want to help because that’s who you are.  He’s the father of your kids and was your spouse for more than two decades and he’s acting kind again.  You think he’s softening because he’s fearful to what he’s facing and you are fearful for him as well.  So you reach out and become friendly because that’s who you are.  Even when he’s prickly, you brush over it because he’s worried.  And that’s what you used to do when you were married.  You give him a pass because it’s him, the man you loved and you, in some small space, still love who you thought he was.  You give him a pass because he’s frightened about the cancer and you understand how he feels.

And then a big lie emerges, a trust broken and you feel betrayed.  You realize that the cunning narcissist is still there even though you, in your co-dependent warm heart, thought that he’d be abiding by the divorce agreement.  Nope.  Duped again and you feel like an idiot for having let down your guard to trust him again and to open your heart under the circumstances – for him, for the kids, and for yourself.

But a tiger never changes his stripes.  The trust and friendly warmth is gone.  Perhaps it was all an illusion since he’s been lying for months and because I confronted him with the lie, he’s back to furious with me.  After a day of sobbing, I put my big girl panties back on, remembered who he is, what he’s done and now have the task of taking him back to court.  More money I don’t have to spend, but necessary for the financial mess he’s lied about that directly affects the kids and me.

I have often waffled between looking for the best in people and seeing them clearly.  I have prided myself on being authentically Janie and giving people the benefit of the doubt.  I don’t want to become one of those awful untrusting people, but again, my eyes are opened to the lying narcissist.  My spidey-senses are in full on mode now.  I had to put the sorrow on the back burner so that I can deal with what’s ahead of me.  And I hate it.

I shy away from confrontation, but I won’t back down now.  It makes me sad that he did this willingly, but I’m also mad.  It’s a strange place to be in.  I blame it on the moon.  But I am also happy that the moon shone on the truth and the lies so I can deal with them now before it’s too late.  Wish me luck.  And never forget, that tiger doesn’t change his stripes.  Don’t be fooled.  Be cautious and keep your eyes open.

 

 

Posted in divorce | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Rise Above

It’s a new year filled with anticipation for what’s in store.  I’m not one for resolutions, having kept few of them in the past.  I prefer to go with the flow.  So this year, I am concentrating on keeping my floaties on (those arm bands that kids wear in the water) so that I don’t drown no matter what happens.

Going with the flow doesn’t mean I’m aimlessly predicting 2019.  Nope, far from it.  But what I am choosing is how to deal with the ups and downs in the year ahead.  I’m not drowning.  And I will keep those whom I love afloat as well.

My floaties represent a lot to me this year.  Protection, authenticity, courage, positivity, love, being centered, going with the flow, and rising above all the debris that swirls underneath the surface.

That’s my plan.  Rise above.  I can only control me (and my kids to a certain extent).  But everyone else is on their own path and I’m not in charge anymore.  I was raised to be responsible for everyone and everything, but now that I’m divorced and over 50, I’ve chosen to decrease my responsibility list to my kids and to me.  I am healing from the co-dependence and narcissistic abuse that I endured in my past.  And it feels good!

It’s hard to stay hands off because my first instinct is to help others, but it’s not always received well.  So, I’ve backed off with my former husband who’s suffering with a recent late stage diagnosis of cancer and his crazy family.  I’ve said my peace, offered help and now I allow whatever is to happen to happen.  This is a huge step for me in letting go and I’m not finding it easy.

However, I’m finding that keeping the image of wearing floaties helps a great deal.  I imagine myself as a young girl, carefree in the ocean without fear because I have my floaties to protect me.  Most importantly, in this very moment, I have peace.

So if you’re stumbling into 2019, take heart.  These are uncertain times for sure.  We can’t control anyone or anything except ourselves.  Make the best of your life by finding who you are, authentically being yourself and feeling gratitude for the freedom that each experience brings with every choice you make in your life!

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, love | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Thanks For The Liebster Award

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RULES:

  1. Acknowledge the blogger that gave it to you and display the award.  Thank you to CopyPowerBlog!
  2. Answer 11 questions that blogger gives you.
  3. Give 11 random thoughts about yourself.
  4. Nominate 11 blogs and notify them of their nomination.
  5. Give these blogs 11 questions to answer.

 

QUESTIONS ASKED BY CopyPowerBlog:

  • What do you think are the qualities of blogger that makes him unique?
    > Connecting with readers and other bloggers.
  • What one thing will you advise young generation ?
    > Watch what you put out there in social media.
  • What does friendship mean to you?
    Friendship is a trust between two people and I treasure my friends.
  • Best memory of your life
    > I have too many to only choose one!
  • What do you think about country ‘India’ and Indians?
    > I’ve never been to India but I’d love to visit.  I’m not quite sure what this question is asking though.
  • How do you judge a person (in general)?
    I try not to judge a person, but instead see their their integrity, compassion and kindness.
  • What are your views on gender equality?
    Unconditional equality for genders (men and women).
  • Your favourite person (the one you love or adore).
    > My kids.
  • Your passion in life is ___
    > Connecting with people.
  • What is your concept of good and evil?
    > The dichotomy of good and evil keeps the balance of free will.  Often evil gives us lessons that good can’t.  I prefer the triumph of good over evil.
  • 11. Your favorite beach is _____.
    > Any beach as I love being there.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

  1. I am a work in progress, learning to love myself and everyone else unconditionally.
  2. I enjoy traveling and eating out!
  3. I am very affectionate and love to hug.
  4. I believe we are all connected energetically.
  5. I am working on letting go of worry.
  6. I smile at strangers in the grocery store and sometimes even talk with them.
  7. I enjoy reading all different genres except horror & gore.
  8. I have a bunch of favorite movies that when I need a pick me up, I watch them.
  9. I am bilingual.
  10. I dislike confrontation and when people act ugly.
  11. I’m a divorced mom who loves her kids.  They are the best part of my life!
  12. I love the numbers 11 and 1234 and I see them often!

 

NOMINATING THESE BLOGGERS:  Surely, I can think of 11 bloggers, but I don’t want anyone to feel left out.  So please, feel free to know that I nominated you!  If you choose to accept this award, please link to me so that I know you’re doing it!  I would love to see your answers!

My questions for these nominated bloggers:

  1.  Why do you blog?
  2.  What’s the food you most like?
  3.  What’s your comfort music or favorite song?
  4.  Name one of your favorite books.
  5.  How do you feel about making New Year resolutions?
  6.  Is your glass 1/2 full?  1/2 empty?  Or are you just grateful for the glass?!
  7.  Do you have a favorite season?  What is it?  Why?
  8.  Do you have a hidden talent?  Please tell!
  9.  Do you sing out loud when you hear a favorite song?  Or do you just hum along or sing in your head?
  10.  Do you have a favorite day of the week?  (Mine’s Sunday!)
  11.  Do you believe in miracles or the unexplained?

Once again, thank you to CopyPowerBlog. This nomination was so much fun to do and I appreciate being nominated!

Love to All, ♥

Janie

Posted in award, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, love | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Evolve Or Revolve

I’ve been reading today and trying to choose how my 2019 will be.  What finds me so happy is a full blank book of days to fill as I choose.  At first being divorced had me squandering my time, spinning my wheels in confusion and angst along with doing what I could to engage healing.  But the final blow to end the confusion with trying my best to co-parent and to stay friendly with my former inlaws was severed by them recently and I am no longer looking back.  I accept their decision, much as I accepted his (after time) and I look forward to breathing again in my own space.

So, I am released, just as I was in my marriage.  I have a hard time letting go as you may have noticed in reading my blog.  I was never the girl that liked goodbyes, even though they signify a new beginning or adventure.  It’s not so much as liking to live in the past, but more of not giving up on people, situations, places without trying my best to help to heal them and me.  What I learned in 2018 and not always in an easy way, was that I only control me.  I am only responsible for me.  I cannot choose how people see me or decide anything about me.  I can only continue to be me, to improve me and to increase my healing as I evolve.

So that’s what I’m saying to you too.  We have two choices:  EVOLVE or REVOLVE around the past.  Revolving and repeating the past doesn’t interest me.  So after all I’ve been through, I choose EVOLUTION!  What about you?  Would you like to join me on a new adventure?

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration | Tagged , , , , | 11 Comments

Goodnight 2018

Well, it’s been a bumpy ride this year and when I put my head on the pillow tonight, I’ll be happily saying goodnight to 2018.  What I know is that I did my best through the hard lessons and even if I made a few mistakes along the way, they were never intentional.  They were simply mistakes that meant no harm.

I let go of my former husband and our story.  I let go of his toxic family.  I let go of those who I walked on eggshells around because life’s too short.  My former husband is still here and I wish him healing through his cancer.  Whatever his lessons may be, they are his and not mine.  My kids are still with me.  We are even stronger than we were a year ago and closer than ever.  They walk the line between their parents unfortunately, but they know they are loved and supported.  I would change it if I could, but they have complete freedom to be with their dad and they don’t choose to do that often.  While that breaks my heart for them and for him, it’s not my lesson to experience.

I can’t wait to wake up to a brand new year filled with possibility.  I want to embrace myself this year.  And stop being sorry for things I can’t control.  I want to do what makes me happy more often without worry about what people think of me.

I want to continue to be more authentically Janie…and I wish that you are more authentically you in 2019 as well!

Posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, love | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Life Is Short

I haven’t been online in a few days.  It’s been a whirlwind of emotion so forgive me if I’m not writing coherently, but I need to share in a safe place.  My former husband is currently in the hospital in surgery, emergency surgery, serious issues.  My kids are in turmoil emotionally as am I, although I am out of the loop in his family unit.  Most likely it’s cancer that he ignored for a long time and I’m not sure what the Dr. will find, but it doesn’t look good.  My kids found out recently when they thought they were going to see their dad and grandparents on a scheduled visit.  Instead, their grandparents told them that their dad was hospitalized the night before and that they were going to see him after they went on a previously scheduled family day trip.

The kids came home after a full ‘family fun’ day followed by a visit to the hospital with a convoluted story of what’s wrong with him and how he ended up in the hospital.  None of it made sense, but when I asked further, they didn’t know details.  They seemed concerned, but not scared.

Fast forward to early this morning when my former husband’s father called me.  I guess because the kids weren’t answering, he called me.  (They were asleep).  He gave me little information but said that my former husband was going into surgery asap and so the kids had to come right away to hospital to see him before the operation.  I complied; woke the kids up and sent them to the hospital.

In the meantime, I texted my former husband telling him that I am sorry to hear he was ill, that I am keeping him in my prayers and ended with ‘you are loved,’ because I’d been with the man since I was in my early 20’s and I guess there’s a small part that still loves him (even though I don’t want him back).  He acknowledged my text with a ‘thanks’ which is more than I’ve heard from him in awhile.

I’m sad for him and his family and I’m sad for my kids.  Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to connect again with his kids and himself.  I’m scared that he won’t make it through the surgery.  I’m praying for a good outcome.  And on Christmas Eve?  It’s a lot of emotional turmoil here.  I’m staying strong for the kids and only cried when they left the house for awhile.  No need to have them worrying about me.  I have to be their rock no matter what happens.  Can you just say a little prayer that my kids will be ok?  Thanks for reading…

Posted in divorce, love | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments