Maybe, Maybe, Maybe

Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s the start of spring (if it ever gets here).  Maybe it’s that the weather is getting warmer so I can’t hide under the layers of clothing and I’m embarrassed that I’ve gained a little weight over the winter.  Maybe I’m guilty of not keeping up with CrossFit.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But I looked in the mirror today and wondered Who the hell is that? looking back at me.  Have you ever had one of those aha moments where suddenly you feel like a stranger is looking back at you in the mirror?  It’s like the invisible lines on my face just decided to become loudly VISIBLE and I’m covered in wrinkles!  My bathroom mirror hasn’t changed a bit, but my reflection sure as heck has!  Maybe it’s a bad hair day or just how I feel about myself.  But it was like whoa – how did I get old suddenly overnight?  Maybe it’s because I”m not sleeping as much as I usually do and my dreams have been a bit crazy.

But has this ever happened to you?  I mean, seriously?  I just want to curl up and go back to bed.  Or is it just one of those midlife aged 50+ women things that happen?

Whatever the reason, it stinks.  I’m going to slather on moisturizer and wrinkle cream right now, again, and go back to bed.  Maybe I just awoke from a nightmare.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  I’m dreaming, right?  Maybe the magic will work on me while I sleep.

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Funny Irish Blessing


Happy Saint Patrick’s Day everyone!  I saw this Irish blessing today and couldn’t stop laughing.  Make sure you when you go out today to have your green beer, corned beef and cabbage, that you watch out for those that are limping!  Ha Ha Ha!

Don’t you wish it were that easy to tell who likes you and who doesn’t?


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I Will NOT Give a Damn

I’ve been repeating like a mantra, I will not give a damn, over and over.  It’s not really working, but I am making a little headway.  You see, I just spent a bunch of time answering my Ex via email.  You’d think that I could just pen off something quickly and not care when he’s derogatory or plays the blame game because we’re not married anymore.  You’d think that I would be able to stand in my truth, write whatever the heck I wanted and be done with it.  I mean, he’s already mad for no reason so why would I care if he were madder from whatever I wrote?  He’s going to be mad no matter what and it’s on him.  It’s his freaking ego and narcissistic false self that makes him that way.

But I do.  Gosh darn it, years of being with him haunts me when I dare to write what I want and call it as I see it – in other words, by telling the truth, that he’s conveniently missing and therefore mad at me.  I second guess myself because I know what will make him enraged.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t give a shit if he’s mad because I’ve done nothing wrong and he hates to be faced with the truth because he lives in a fantasy world where nothing is ever his problem or his fault or his responsibility.  It must be a nice place to be, that fantasy land.  But I bet it can be hard when the bubble bursts by a shot of reality.

Oh wait, he morphs reality via lies so he can handle reality.  Silly me.  What was I thinking?  But part of me hates when he’s enraged and comes out swinging verbally.  I’ve been on that end and I still have the emotional scarring.  It makes me wary.

I’ve read enough about narcissists that has helped me a lot.  If it weren’t for my kids, I would have gone no-contact with him long ago because his seething anger is relentless.  It’s better that he doesn’t usually answer anything or reach out to co-parent.  But just when I’m getting comfy, he strikes and emails like he did this week and it throws me for a loop.  His anger is palpable through the email and his nastiness glows.  And I either cower or defend myself too much or get nasty back.  None of the three options work well.  I’ve even tried to be nice in the face of his obnoxious behavior, but that didn’t make any headway either.

What’s that quote?  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t?

So let me ask you then – who gives a damn?  I am determined it will NOT BE ME!


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Falling Down and Getting Back Up

Seven days cold turkey – check.  One slip up on the night of Day Seven – yup.  Decided that one slip up doesn’t mean I have to start back at Day One – check.  Monday full of strife from the Ex – four slip ups as I grasp the pack of cigarettes like a life line.  Tuesday begins with two slip ups, leftover BS from email fighting with the Ex and I’m beating myself up over it.  Until, I had an epiphany.

I made it one full week before caving in with one slip up which opened the door for more.  But I did quit for one full week which was great and better than I had done for a long time!  So I can berate myself or I can be happy – the choice is mine and know that I can do this!

It’s just a matter of changing my thinking and getting back on track with my desire to quit smoking for good.  I didn’t start out as a pack a day smoker.  It began gradually as a crutch to deal with the Ex leaving after more than two decades of marriage.  So I have to be more aware of this process.

While using the excuse of stress from the Ex is real, I won’t allow it to define me.  When I look closer at the situation and how I am dealing with it, I realize that the smoking is a mythical crutch for me.  My belief that I need one in order to deal with the toxic crap that blows my way is ridiculous.  I know that in my logical brain, but it’s in the practice of not reaching for a cigarette, that I fall down and back into that mythical belief.

I mean seriously?  Do I really think that poisoning myself helps to deal with an angry, narcissistic, self-absorbed Ex spouse who blames me for his own problems?  WTH?  I think it’s me being delusional like him!

Have you ever thought this way?  Do you make illogical excuses for lighting up?  I think it’s part of the bullshit we’ve fallen victim to in our heads.  The glamour of smoking combined with the belief that it soothes us is mistaken.  It doesn’t really soothe us.  It poisons us, increases our heartbeat, raises our anxiety (even though we think it doesn’t) but the health facts don’t lie.  We simply lie to ourselves.  It’s a vicious cycle that I want to remove myself from sooner rather than later.  Before my health really suffers from the ill effects of my bad habit.

How about you?  Are you an ex-smoker?  Or are you trying to quit like me?  Do you want to do this together?  Let me know!  Because I’m back on the wagon.

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One Slip Up

Ok, I’ve got to be honest here.  Today, on Day 7, I slipped and had one.  It didn’t even taste good and I have guilt over it.  At any point while I was smoking, I could have stopped, but I didn’t.  I don’t know why I didn’t stop because I didn’t even enjoy it.  And DARN, I made it almost a full week before succumbing.  I made it through the whining voice and there wasn’t even any whining voice when I chose to do it.  It was just anxiety and a lot of sad feelings that made me step outside.

I hate that this happened.  I’ve been beating myself up over it for the last hour and so I thought I’d rather just say it and be done.  Move on.  Take the guilt and maybe not being perfect will help someone else who is struggling.

Because it’s an addiction and it’s hard to beat, but I am determined.  My emotions have been all over the place today for really no reason except maybe just the stress of quitting.  Who knows.  But what’s the protocol here?  Do I have to start over with Day One again?  What’s the consensus?

Anyway, thanks for reading.  Sorry to disappoint myself, my kids (although maybe they won’t find out) and my friends here.  At least it was only one slip up and now that I have such a yucky taste in my mouth, hopefully I’ll remember that and not slip up again.

Fingers crossed.

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Party Lines We Tell Strangers


So the party last night was fun.  We were seated at a table with another mom and her kids.  Luckily one of my kids knew one of hers, so that bonded the kids and you know what happens when 2 moms get together.  Even as strangers, we can bond for a night.  And so, we did.

People tend to tell me their life stories.   I don’t know why, but it’s happened all my life.  It’s always interesting how they open up after they realize I don’t judge.  Sometimes it’s like watching a mud slide, how the superficial lies that are said during cocktail hour talk melt away to full on disclosure.  At times, it’s mind-blowing.


Superficial chitchat on both of our parts during the introduction to each other and kids.  We talked about how we knew the guest of honor.  She mentions her husband.  I don’t.  After awhile, she discloses that he’s home and didn’t want to come to the party.  I pat her hand and say how it would have been awkward for him with 2 moms and a bunch of kids and him at the table.  Nervous laughter, but she agrees.  Then she asks about my husband.  I tell her that we are divorced, kids live with me, it’s been awhile now and we’re good.  That opens a floodgate and for the rest of the night, she is disclosing all of her fears, her hard times and asking for advice on how to plan to leave the man she’s calling her husband (who is all of her kids’ baby daddy, but who she’s never married throughout the decades they’ve been together).  She begins to ask me questions about divorce, sharing her fears of being a single mom etc.  As she’s sharing, I ask her some questions and then I tell her that she’s already a single mom, with the details she’s shared about her man and maybe no divorce is needed since they’ve never married, unless it’s common law marriage in her state.

During the night, she kept announcing to the table of our kids that she just loved me because I was so smart.  I’m not so smart.  I just listened with an open heart to her.  It made me sad for her.  It made me grateful to be of any help possible.  I felt her desperation at times and since I’ve felt that way before, it was easy to recognize.  She felt like she was drowning and so she was grasping for a life line.  I helped as I could last night and I wished her the best when we parted ways.

But it made me think about how much we cover up in our lives in order to put on a good face.  It reminded me of how many times I said I was ok when I really wasn’t.  I thought about how we fall victim to our circumstances sometimes and put up a really good argument for why we’re right.  You know that song, Somebody done somebody wrong song?  That’s what comes to mind for me.  When we’re in a bad place, we can’t see further than our own fears, self-pity and all-encompassing unhappiness.  In order to heal, we have to get it all out, set it on the table and really look at it from someone else’s point of view.  Then take those pieces of the puzzle of our life and put it back together in a new way.

I think it’s listening that helps people.  We’ve all got the answers within us, but we’ve got to open our eyes and heart to get the solution.  It’s not for me to tell you what to do.  It’s for you to choose to do something about whatever is bugging you!  Does that make sense?

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Dressing Up and Going Out

It’s been ages since I dressed up to go out.  I mean in a single mom’s measurement of time because I’m now a single parent and we don’t get to go out too often because the kids are home.  It’s only occasionally when their dad takes them, and it’s very occasional, believe me.

But tonight, I am dressing up to go to a party.  It’s the first one with people who weren’t family or family friends for a long time that know our backstory.  The fact that the kids and I are going together, out as a family, to a big party finds me a bit anxious and yet, a little excited!

So I’m asking that you please send me a little positivity!  I’m not expecting fireworks by any means because I only know the kid for whom the party is being celebrated because he’s a friend of my kid.  And although I’ve been texting with his mom, I’ve never met her and I don’t know anyone else there.  It should be really interesting, for my kids and for me.

I’ve been debating what to wear, but I think I found an outfit that makes me feel good in it.  I have to wash and iron the kids’ clothes as well, but I have time enough for that today.  I got my hair done yesterday, alone with a manicure and eyebrow wax as a treat – so this is it folks!  It’ll be the best I can do and luckily the focus won’t be on me at all!  I’ll just be in the background and hopefully we won’t have to stay very late because the party’s over an hour away in unfamiliar territory.

But I’m feeling like it’s a new stepping out for me.  A new chapter especially because I’m still smoke free!  Now if I could only keep my hands out of the cookie jar, I’d be golden.  I guess one step at a time, right?  Gotta keep praising myself for the success and work through the mindless eating as I can.

I have to stay strong!

I hope whatever you do this weekend, that it’s fun for you – that you get to relax and just enjoy yourself with whatever makes you happy!  Just send a little happy thought to me too please.  Thanks!




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