So, let me explain why I chose Patient and Powerful ~ or better yet, why the motto which inspired me from The White Princess serves me well. I am enduring a long, drawn-out divorce which if you’ve been through one, you know that it seems endless as we hurry up and then wait. Everyone keeps telling me ‘you can’t push the river’ meaning I have to let things process as they are supposed to in their own time. Hence, Patient. But honestly, I’m just at the point that I want to be free now.
It wasn’t me who left the marriage as I didn’t want to split up. But when he informed me that he couldn’t do this anymore, I had no other choice as I am not the type of girl who would beg him to stay. I offered marriage counseling, but he declined. So I let him go. True, I loved him and I held onto the hope that by giving him freedom, he would realize what I thought was a mistake. But he didn’t return and I had to get on with my life and mend my broken heart.
I’ve been in what I call purgatory for almost 3 years as things drag on, hence my impatience with wanting my freedom now, once and for all. It’s interesting that I never wanted my freedom. It was chosen for me by him. But I am seeing and remembering how I didn’t like who I had become with him. I didn’t like our established patterns in our relationship and I had outgrown it. We had become separate, instead of staying connected. We hadn’t grown in the same way and while I was striving for connections, he was straining to be independent. Hindsight is 20/20 and I realize that now. But in the beginning, I mourned for the loss of the man to whom I pledged my love and life.
Sure, I can see signs along the way now that I dismissed or turned a blind eye to in order to keep my hope that things would get better. Now it’s that proverbial ripping off the band aid in order to let the wound heal. But, in the past few years that I’ve been in purgatory, it has served me well. I have been able to connect with other like-minded people who are dealing with divorce and we have supported each other. I have a solid, strong connection with my children (not that I didn’t before, but this has cemented us like nothing else). My kids have had to learn life lessons that I wouldn’t have chosen for them at this juncture in their lives, but it has been good. They are learning about strength, courage, acceptance and love, among other valuable lessons. I try very hard to role model resilience, kindness, taking the high road and staying centered when all around you is chaos. So far, it’s been a blessing.
I gave away my power to a degree in my marriage. It was easier to agree than to fight at times and I guess I took the easier road. We didn’t fight a lot since I gave in, but I was not a pushover either. I did stand strong when it mattered to me. But peace mattered more at times and that’s when I didn’t stand up for myself. That part I regret, but it’s a great lesson learned which is where the Powerful piece of my mantra feels right.
Patient and Powerful
Does any of this resonate with you? What is your motto? You can share mine if you like!