There’s a willingness in the face of divorce to recount all the bad in the past in order to make sense of the present situation whatever it may be. There’s a flip side to that exposure which comes from being grateful for the good as well. Few people find the balance in the ending of a marriage when exposed. You have to take the good with the bad, but it’s human nature to want to expose all the faults of the other party in order to make yourself feel better, to look better in the eyes of others and to bad mouth your partner. It takes courage to choose the high road and to not berate your partner to everyone you meet, even if he is doing it. There’s a classy way to end a marriage and a down and dirty way. It’s your choice of actions which determine it.
My kid and I had a discussion the other day about vulnerability being a weakness. We differed in our points of view, but it was a wonderful way to see the other side. I think in the end, because we talked so much about it, we came to the healthy conclusion that it depends on the situation in which you are vulnerable.
I am of the mindset that it takes great courage to be vulnerable. Others may see it as a weakness, but I see it as inner strength to open oneself up to connecting with others in the truest form. Yes, I agree that it can be taken as weakness by the opposing party and thus give them a heightened sense of ego and power. But on the other hand, because I view it as strength, so I know I’m being courageous. It’s not that in showing vulnerability that I am not self-protecting either, for I am. But it is in softening anger, hurt, and the resentment that builds in a divorce that I am choosing to connect rather than to spite. Does that make sense?
Because at one point, in most divorces, there was love, light, hope and connection in the beginning of the marriage. At whatever point, one or both partners dropped the ball of connection and never picked it back up again which is what causes divorce. Although I do not choose to remain with my husband and I am committed to going through with the divorce, it’s not that I don’t fondly remember the man I married, to whom I pledged my love and fealty. I never wanted the divorce quite frankly, but I am years into it and I now fully realize that he is not the man I married. But again, I’m not the girl he married either. Our problem was that we disconnected along the way. Children, work, stress, and family issues took precedence over our connection. We weren’t a team. We lost trust and faith. We disconnected from each other in every way. Looking back I can see the push/pull of connection, each trying at different times to reconnect, but the other person was never on the same plane at the same time. We never met in the middle. It’s a true shame for I never thought I’d be in this position. I would have stayed married and worked on it more, but he wanted out and didn’t want to ‘do this anymore’ nor try. He quit and therefore, it was over.
I’m sad today. It’s been a long, hard road since he left. I am grateful for the life lessons, but I’ve also paid a price for them. I feel like I’m getting pummeled by the ocean waves, caught in the surf these days, simply trying to keep my head afloat. I will survive. I know this to be true. I am just hoping for calmer waters in the future so that I can regain my center.
How about you?