The Narcissist Buzzword in Divorce


Recently I’ve met a few women who are separated and divorcing.  I guess it’s only natural since that’s the spot I’m in as well.  We are all in different stages of the marriage falling apart.  Some are just beginning the journey, some have already divorced and moved on, and some are in the middle of the divorce or close to the end of it like me.

When we start to share our stories which invariably happens when we find out that we’re in similar situations, the word narcissist often emerges as they share about their STBX (soon-to-be-ex).  I find it fascinating these days how many women state that they were married to a narcissist.  I’ve done a ton of research myself because I wanted to know if mine had narcissistic tendencies and it amazes me how many of these men fall into that category.  Could we all have been that dumb when we were younger to marry a narcissist?  Or did the men develop into narcissists?  Or has narcissist just become another word for his mid-life crisis and the eventual breakdown of a marriage?

Is it a fad to say you were married to a narcissist?  It seems like it’s a buzzword these days.  There are so many articles written about divorcing narcissists and the empath women they leave in their wake.  I love that there is so much research to be found on it.  Truly, I applaud all the authors of these articles because I’ve learned so much from them and have begun healing because of them.  Thank you!  But, I wonder if we were really married to men who were narcissists?  I’m not discounting the stories I’ve heard, but truly, in every one of them (and there were quite a few), they each described their ex’s as a narcissist.  How could there be a posse of them now divorcing their wives all of a sudden?

So my question is – Do you describe your ex as a narcissist?  With what specific evidence do you claim he’s a narcissist?  Or is it just that he developed some narcissistic tendencies like mine so he can fall into that category?  Because honestly, I am sad for the whole female population if we are so under the spell of these male narcissists for such a long duration of time!

I know I sound skeptical and please don’t be angry with me.  It’s just that I was thinking today about it and wondering if we were all just too young to see the narcissistic tendencies as they were presented when love was brand new?  I wonder how we all could have been so hoodwinked as to not see things the way they were?  Or were we all just too blinded by love and manipulated by a narcissist so that we didn’t even know what the heck was going on before it was too late?

For me, I know that in the beginning, there was a sense of equality of power in the relationship.  He was a good man and frankly, still is.  He’s just not the man for me, nor I the wife for him anymore.  But, we were in love back then.  However, as time went on, I began to allow him to make more of the decisions as that’s how both of our sets of parents role-modeled marriage.  I thought I was being the good wife.  Then, it began to be easier to keep peace and to not upset him, so I stayed quiet and just kept trying to be the good wife.  I now see how I didn’t hold onto the equality in the marriage and I allowed myself to be subservient and to give him the control.  But I don’t blame it all on him necessarily.  I could have spoken up.  But by the time I tried, the pattern was too well-worn into the marriage and there was no wiggle room.  I hold myself accountable for that part.  It’s not just poor me.  It’s foolish me.  I relaxed my equality stance that we had begun the marriage with and detrimental patterns emerged from there.

I’m not saying you aren’t married to a narcissist.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not saying it’s a catch-all phrase for controlling men and the women who loved them.  I’m just putting out the question –

Do you think being married to a narcissist is the new buzzword in divorce?

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