Lesson One – Stick To The Facts
Lesson Two – Letting Go Of His Family Obligations
Lesson Three – Deal with Reality
My EX and I now spar through email. We don’t talk on the phone and I don’t see me calling him or vice versa unless it’s an emergency with the kids or the death of a family member. I’m fine with that because during the years we were separated, I would occasionally reach out via phone and after a bit, he would relax and we would speak nicely, but since the divorce, there’s an ugly coldness that I don’t wish to deal with anymore.
Because he blames me which I find interesting. Wouldn’t you? He left, but he blames me for the divorce, even though when he stated he didn’t want to do this anymore and when I asked if we could go to a counselor to mend the marriage, he refused. Now that he’s got a new relationship, you’d think he’d be happy. What the heck?
Do you want to know why? It has nothing to do with me. He’s not pining away for me anymore. Nope! In my humble opinion…
It’s simply because he’s not dealt with the reality of the divorce.
When you leave a marriage, you leave relationships. When you don’t see your kids often, you miss out on the ordinary routine, special times and most importantly the bond of family. I think when he left, he was happy to be just him and only responsible for himself. In turn, I was left with the sadness, left with most of the responsibility of the kids and so the kids and I bonded – we made our own family without him! And as time moved on, we got even closer in ways I could have never imagined and for which I’m ever grateful.
Because he walked away, he’s not a part of that bonding. The kids have bonded together as well and so they don’t need him quite as much. He’s turned a blind eye to how life has changed, because he doesn’t want to see it. It’s sad really. Now that he wants to hang out with them, they’re not really interested since he wasn’t around when they were hurting. He and his family acted like nothing had changed in their lives when he left. It’s funny how people react in these cases. So my theory is that he realizes that we’ve all moved on without him and even though he doesn’t want me anymore, he’s still caught up in that cycle of blame and I’m over it.
I don’t blame him for leaving anymore. I can’t be bothered. I am now embracing my new life. I don’t care really care what he does, as long as he pays on time. His emails are full of excuses and blame game tactics. Like I said in the first lesson, he’s trying to rile me up into the old patterns and I’m through with them. I’ve moved on and it’s obvious that he hasn’t. There’s a huge sense of peace within me when I read his angry emails which I never had before now. I see how he’s grasping at points that are null and void because the divorce agreement is in place officially. He’s blaming me because he didn’t know certain facts that were plainly in the divorce agreement which he signed, but apparently didn’t read.
I know what it is – which is the same replay from when we were married. He concentrates on one point (like a dog with a bone) and can’t let go of it. It blinds him to the whole picture or in this case, the whole divorce document. Being fixated on one point allows you to not see the full scope and blinds you to reality. So now in his emails, he’s blaming me for his financial situation as it is today. But really, he needs to take a good hard look and take responsibility for his choices and for himself.
Our divorce agreement wasn’t pretty for either of us. Neither of us got what we wanted which traditionally I’ve been told means that it’s fair. I’m not whining about my situation. I’m not happy with my finances, but this is my reality and I’m dealing with it. He’s still caught up and spinning with what’s reality because he never looked at the whole scenario as it was presented.
I knew what I was getting in the end. It didn’t make me happy, but it is what it is and I will budget and deal with the uncomfortable situation as best I can. I have to because this is now my life. I don’t have the money I used to have anymore. Ok. I will get used to this new way of life. I have no choice. I know I am resilient. I will be grateful for what I have and I will do my best with what’s given to me.
That’s the fact. That’s the truth. I’m dealing with my reality.