I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore

When my EX-husband told me it was over, his words were, I don’t want to do this anymore.  Fragile me, took that as I wasn’t enough for him.  I relived that quote over and over as failure.  I wasn’t enough.  He didn’t want me anymore.  There was something wrong with me.

But now that we’re divorced and time has passed, I realized that the finality of that declaration I don’t want to do this anymore in reality had nothing to do with me.  It was my ego, my thought of failure and how he’s rejecting me and so on that tore at my self-esteem as he left.  And it had nothing to do with me!

Because here’s what I’ve learned.

He was simply declaring his truth.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  And he was honest.  Because his actions/inactions have shown that he didn’t want to do this anymore.  He didn’t want to be a husband, nor a father, nor a breadwinner.  He checked out of all three roles for years.  Although he’s begun working again, there’s little contact between us which is fine.  He’s not really in contact with the kids either, except for a weekly text of hello, hope you have a great week, love you.  He sees them about 2 days a month if that and there’s not a lot of communication or connection between them.

He was honest.  He didn’t want to do this anymore.  Any of it.  And it had nothing to do with me.  It was how he felt about his life.  Although I’m sure as a wife, it had to do with our marriage, but in hindsight, he’s not connecting with anyone or really anything.

I guess I’m writing so that if you hear the dreaded words which seem to be an honest quote when leaving, I just don’t want to do this anymore, please don’t take it to heart so much like I did.  I spent years of wallowing in hurt, self-pity and broken self-esteem until I figured it out and healed.

That’s why I can be at peace with him now and even better, at peace with myself.  I enjoy being the primary custody parent of my kids.  They know that being with me is home.  He’s not home to them anymore.  That makes me sad as he had a lot to give over the years, but it’s his choice and it as my gift to be released from the man who didn’t want to do this anymore.

Hindsight helps to clear out the debris of emotion in a divorce and lets you see the gift in the situation.  Don’t hold on if you’re hurting.  Healing is around the corner when you decide to let go and accept the goodness that is yours.

♥