Lies Are Sticky

liesaresticky

I think some of us have EX’s who believe their own lies.  How do you handle it when the kids come home with Daddy said blah blah blah and you know damn well that none of it is true?  Or that maybe parts are true, but that the whole picture isn’t what he’s saying?  Dig a little deeper kids, I want to say.  He’s not telling the whole truth here, but then he hasn’t done that for a long time and you’re not the only one he lies to – get in line because there are family, friends and most importantly, himself ahead of you.

But I hold back because it’s not for me to say and even if I did, I’m sure that I would be labeled as the bitchy ex-wife who’s mad that he left her.  That’s not true either, but anyone in his camp would be crying Foul!, especially his mama because she’d mistakenly believe that I’m trying to turn the kids against him.  Heck lady, I wish I could tell her, he’s doing a great job of it on his own without any input from me!

But I digress….

I’ve done nothing except to quietly listen as he spins his web of lies.  Sure, I’ve told his family that he lies and have even given examples.  I’ve let his mama tell me things and patiently waited until I could simply say,  I’m sure that’s what he’s said to you, but the facts speak differently and I have the paperwork to prove it.  To which she remained mute because she knew I had nothing to lose by telling her.  I could see how she was trying to process the situation and didn’t know what to do with the new information.  I’m sure she went running to her son to see if she could ask him again to see if he gave the same lie.  Most likely, she told him what I said and then he denied what I said and stuck with the lie.  So she would have no choice but to straddle the decision whether to believe the ex-daughter–in-law or believe the child of her loins.  You know what happened, right?  She chose him and made up an excuse in her head as to why she should believe him.

Which is fine, except that one day, I hope she will see that he lies about everything – even small stuff that means nothing.  Perhaps it’s the narcissist in him?  Read enough about narcissists and you read how they project what they want you to see.  In his case, it’s a successful, fit divorced father who has tons of money.  I wonder how many of his colleagues or his new girlfriend would like to hear how he’s an absent father and in arrears for child support and alimony?  Or that he was overextended on his credit cards?  Or that collections was calling my house because that was the last phone number he had on record?  Or that he’s had cosmetic work done?

I doubt they would see him the same way again.  His cover would be blown.  I wait patiently (ok sometimes impatiently) for the real truth according to the facts to be revealed.  It will one day.  Just like it did for me.

He justified every lie, even when the facts I had in my hand told a different story – the truth!  I fell for his lies, hook, line and sinker for years until I couldn’t deny it and realized that he told a version of his truth which happened to be a few generations away from the whole real truth.  But in loving the man, I believed him.  I guess that’s where his mama is and I don’t blame her.  But after finding so many lies, I now know that if I take everything he says, divide it in 1/2, then again and perhaps even one more time,  I’ll find a grain of truth upon which he’s built the whopper story that he’s just told.  The scariest piece of it all though is that he believes the lies he tells and you fall for wanting to believe him too.

I feel sorry for him.  I’m also fed up with it.  My frustration levels with him are high these days.  I just keep telling myself that what goes up, must come down.  Rest assuredly, karma will do its job for me so I am allowing it to continue because I believe that the time will come when his lies will be revealed.  But my patience is wearing thin.  And he’s beginning to ease into lying about me for which I will not stand.

What did you do when your EX told lies all the time?  Did yours believe his own?

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18 Responses to Lies Are Sticky

  1. TJ Fox says:

    Wow! I absolutely know where you are coming from. I was married to a narcissist for 4 years and he is the father of OC, who also turned out to be a narcissist, but on a much higher scale. I struggled for years with the concept of how to approach our child with the differences of the reality of who his father was versus who he presented himself as without coming across as badmouthing him. It was made even harder because of OC’s own version of reality that he was creating for himself where his dad was perfect and everything he did was perfect, even after he had signed away his rights so Hubby could adopt OC.

    People tend to live in willful ignorance when it comes to their loved ones, parents especially when it involves their children. I honestly don’t have any advice for you because I never figured out how to deal with it because OC was just like his father. There is no getting through to a narcissist. There is no convincing them that their view of life doesn’t mesh with reality or that the history that they’ve created for themselves doesn’t exist.

    I tried honesty without letting my personal feelings invade or color what I was saying, trying to stick to facts only. I reinforced over and over that everyone has different perspectives on situations and that those perspectives aren’t always the same. I think if I’d had to do this with either of my other two children, those would have been valid options, but with OC, not a single thing changed his absolute faith in every single thing that his father said and did, no matter how hurtful it ended up being.

    I feel for you. It is a horrible situation to watch your kids being fed the BS from the other family and there isn’t a thing you can do about it. As a parent, you can only do what you think is best in each situation and hope it is enough. Sometimes it isn’t, but sometimes it is. Most kids, no matter how old, are way more observant than we give them credit for and if they are thinkers and questioners in any way, they will eventually see the truth about their father on their own, just by experiencing life along side him.

    As for the feelings of guilt that you swallowed the Ex’s lies just as his family is now, don’t. That is exactly what narcissists are good at, making people believe their truths. It is actually pretty easy because they do believe the lie to be truth. When someone is that enmeshed in their own lies that they become reality, it is hard for others to filter through it all to see the truth. As a whole, people are conditioned to trust our loved ones not to lie to us, so it is even easier to believe them. Your Ex was just one of the more believable ones. It isn’t a reflection on you that he was good at it.

    Sorry for the huge ramble, it is still an incredibly sore spot for me because I had to do it all over again with OC.

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    • janieleeds says:

      TJ, you are so awesome. Thank you for sharing. Rambling no way, that was pure wonderful sharing and advice. I’m sorry you had to do it with your EX and OC. Hard enough to go through once. I just stick to facts and I love that ‘everyone has different perspectives on situations’ Hope you don’t mind, I’m going to use that line too! Big hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        Glad I could be of any kind of help. It is such a hard situation to be in. The perspectives thing give you then chance to let your kids know that you see things differently, without bashing or bad mouthing, without saying the other person is lying and still be honest. It is this tiny, fine line to walk with your kids. Sometimes it will work and sometimes (like in my case) it won’t make a lick of difference. Yes, you need to do what is right for your kids, but you have to do so while also doing what is right for you and being able to look at yourself in the mirror. It is hard to find where that line is sometimes.

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      • janieleeds says:

        I agree. So far, I’m getting more at peace by just allowing the kids to see the truth as it appears and they aren’t dummies which is good. They are aware of more than I ever knew. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I had an easy answer for you, especially as you are dealing with kids! Try to be as calm as possible with your kids, and try not to get into a he said /she said, even though I know it might kill you. But, be as honest as possible with your kids without saying oh, btw, your father’s pants are on fire and his nose is 20 feet long…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. fyidivorce says:

    I’ve found my kids’ dad believes his lies as his truth, to avoid reality. My kids are too young to repeat everything, but I would say everyone has their version of the story and the only thing that matters is that I love you and I will try my best to be objective in everything I say to you.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you. That’s what I’m trying to do. Just stick to the facts, be kind and I don’t throw him under the bus. I let all lies be revealed in their own time. I do love my kids and I do my best to be objective. But it’s hard sometimes to be objective. Thanks for understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Trust me Janie his mother knows he is lying 🤥 she just is not strong enough to admit it to herself let alone you. All will be revealed in time, sit tight and keep yourself together. 😉

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  5. MoJo says:

    You are already labeled the bitchy ex-wife. At some point, you are going to release needing their approval. Don’t say it. Yes. To some degree you still do. I don’t even think it’s a conscious thing. It’s just that they were your family for decades and it only seems rational that they would know the real you after all this time. But they don’t know (or more likely refuse to see) the real him so there’s no chance of their seeing the real you. And that girl is epic!

    The people who matter see through the lies. Maybe not every single one. But they know who he is, and thank heavens, they know who you are, too. You don’t have to prove to anyone that he is a dishonest piece of work. He does that on his own just fine.

    (But it hurts my feelings for you that he does it and I’m happy to be the mega bitch on your behalf if needed!) Xoxox

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  6. Pingback: Telling The Unpopular Truth | Authentically 50 ~ Embracing Life's Changes

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