I’ve learned that it’s risky, to show myself to the world. Risky to wear my heart on my sleeve and to be vulnerable. But that’s how I’m made innately. I know that it’s risky to show your cards and wait for a response. Risky to be me, all of me, with every quirk, heartache and talent on display.
Because I’ve met some who condemn that risky behavior and prefer to hide behind superficial lights. I think it makes them feel powerful to hide behind their masks and point us out like circus monkeys. It used to make me incredibly uncomfortable and heck, it still does, but I’m learning to let it go.
I am who I am. I’m me – hearts and flowers, rose-colored glassy-eyed hopeful romantic who loves with her whole heart. Loyal to a fault because I see the good in others even when they’re being downright demonic, for part of me understands that deep inside, they’re just trying to get what they feel they need – which is either control or love in the way they speak their love language.
It’s hard at times being open-hearted because it terrorizes my brain with fear. I think that’s why when my Ex said he didn’t want to do this anymore, I couldn’t wrap my mind around his words. I am grateful to be divorced from him since he’s so disconnected and I applaud his courage in walking away, but it was incredibly hard for me to deal with the whole thing. I mean, who ever thinks they’re going to get divorced?
I haven’t indulged in the risky behavior I’ve seen many of my divorced friends experience during their separation and divorces. It’s just not me. I can’t go have an affair just to prove I’m attractive because I’ve never been that girl who just had sex because I felt like it with a stranger. I’m too spiritual for that because I give away my heart too easily in that intimate act. I don’t condone those that do it and frankly, I’d love to try it in my head, but not in reality with my heart or body. I think it would be a grave mistake for me.
So I keep the faith that someday there will be a man who I meet who will want to take things slowly and see how we connect before the big wham bam. I’m not prude, but I’m not willing to expose myself to someone I don’t trust. Recently, one of my kids asked when I was going to start dating since I’ve been separated for years and divorced officially for months now. It was an interesting conversation with my kid who is light-years more mature than I ever was at his age. I love how we can talk about most anything with respect, kindness and an open-heart.
Anyway, this post is all over the map with no bottom line, so let me finish before you click off if you haven’t already done so! LOL
Cheers to those of us who risk our hearts fully every day. We are the keepers of love and light. I wouldn’t change a thing.