I knew my dearest blogging friends would be able to come through to help me with advice and you did! Thank you! I am truly grateful. One of your comments though, hit a nerve and tears sprouted from my eyes after reading the line below:
You cannot give anyone else the ability to control your feelings
if they do not care about your feelings.
That line, unto itself, hit me and I began to cry. Not because I was mad or sad by what was written. No. It was because it went to the core of the truth in my heart. It was like a wake up call which I wasn’t expecting, but honestly, needed badly and PaliMadra, I want to thank you for zeroing in on it.
As much as I act all zen or maybe even bratty and sometimes even sad about the whole divorce thing, I guess I am all of those feelings and more. Today’s a rough day for other reasons, but I think it’s healing that I’m crying as I type this post. A clearing out of the muck so I can make more room to receive love and kindness. Do you know what I mean?
Just an FYI, he never responded to me. He finally texted the kid to say hope you had a good weekend, that he heard that he had scraped up his car and that now he’s off traveling to _____ place which is a lovely beach destination. What I know is that he’s taking his girlfriend away to that place and it upsets me for a number of reasons, least of all being that I wanted to go there, but now I wouldn’t want to go with him, he’s in arrears for child support, but he can spend money on her and I am feeling yucky that he has replaced me so thoroughly.
But this is all a part of healing through a divorce, isn’t it? Just when I think I’m centered again, I fall apart. I think it’s another clearing of the space that I held for him. A letting go of what was and what is not now. It may be the rainy weather today too that has something to do with the copious tears I’m shedding. At least I’m doing it quietly so that my kids don’t hear me. It’s not a burden I would want them to hold nor experience today. So I’m just writing here and I hope you don’t mind.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate all of you.