I say with a grin on my face.
That’s the way I curse these days when I need a giggle.
I want to get past the fluff of caring about my Ex. I want to heal and not care. I keep the mantra of ‘out of my orbit ex’ which I’ve read that helps to change the channel and cut the cords that bind us. Or better said, bind me to him, because obviously he’s off in another world.
It’s just that I can’t fathom how completely different and indifferent he is. What makes someone change so drastically? Or is it that I was so naive with blinders on that I never saw the true self because he covered it so well? But I can’t believe that he was able to mask himself for so many years. I think that he changed. I know I have. I have become more connected and authentic as the years rolled onward. I felt like I was always reaching towards him and he was backing away. Maybe my authenticity was too much for him. I wasn’t needy. I was caring and I wanted us to connect. But obviously, he didn’t.
I can’t figure out why I have taken a few steps back in healing. Maybe it’s the changing weather. Maybe it’s that I know he’s on vacation with my replacement. Maybe I’m watching my kid hurt because his dad waited over 4 days to acknowledge the accident and then tell him that he’s flying to an exotic location. Maybe because I just have to accept hat I will never get answers to what really happened to him in his head and I find it unacceptable. I want to know what made him tick, but it’s none of my business now.
I think I just have to stop, change the channel and move on with my life and leave him in the past. It’s a choice, I know I have to make. I know I am slowly moving forward, but I want to leap ahead and be done. Sorry to berate a moot point. Thanks for reading.