Going Out and Coming Home

goingoutandcominghome

Married for 20+ years and now divorced is a change when you go out.  Before, I was a social butterfly, always enjoying getting dressed up, going out with friends (and hubby) and entertaining.  It was a lovely time in my life.  I was saying YES to life, relationships and connections.

And then he left.  We separated.  I was ALONE and even though friends reached out, I was afraid of telling too much to them and afraid of going out (maybe that was an unfounded fear, but it’s how I felt at the time).  My life had crumbled and I had to pick up the pieces and mourn.  And I mourned alone for a very long time.

I was so used to going out with my husband (unless it was lunch with the girls) that it feels weird to be on my own.  There’s a comfort in having your hubs there with you.  Someone to talk with when the conversation lags, someone to drive with and to be with at the party and someone to come home with afterwards.  We shared the night out which made it more fun.

Nowadays, it’s me driving to the party and me driving home alone.  There’s nobody to see if I get home safely.  I enter a home alone when he has the kids and that’s when I maybe think of going out.  Which is rare, let me admit it.  I feel like when I have the kids with me, then I need to be home.  But that is slowly changing, little by little.

But now I’m branching out a little as the kids are older and can stay by themselves.  They have their cars so they can go places so it’s not like I’m leaving babies at home.  And they always know where I am.  That is something I staunchly make sure of every time.  And as impolite as it is to have your phone on the table when visiting with friends, mine is there in case they need me.  I’m a mom first and foremost.

How about you?  After divorce was it hard for you to go out alone?  Or am I just being a big baby about it?

This entry was posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Going Out and Coming Home

  1. BeowulfSabrina says:

    Always and forever, a mom first. Yup.
    I’m reminded of this post I read about monogamy that really stuck with me and how I feel about being alone now and how this is all such a mess but I’ve become stronger (not by choice) and I know what is meaningful in my life. (And PS he has been reading my blog, not sure why but he is.)

    “I love monogamy because of the thought of absolute loyalty. The two of us against the difficulties of the world. Hand in hand. Working together. A mated pair. Being there for each other when we are down and being there together to enjoy the successes. Someone to snuggle up against and feel warm and content and happy and safe. Someone to trust. Someone to count on. Someone to laugh with- even if you are the only two that get the joke. Someone to have fun with and have simple adventures. Partners dealing with the good and the bad, the happy and the sad that is life.”

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I agree with you Sabrina and I’m sorry we lost that things didn’t work out the way we planned. But you have become stronger, wiser and there’s someone out there for you who will delight in your growth and independence and who will revel in your love and you will revel in his. Keep the faith. xoxo

      Like

  2. I’m the same as you – married 20+ years anyway, however I am an introvert (social with small numbers) and I have never liked large gatherings or parties. Being single gives me happy permission to be myself and to enjoy my own space, especially without having the ex in it ruining everything with his bad vibes and moods! So I love to stay at home. I like to go out as well and I have gone to see bands in clubs alone (scary at first and new to me), but not to places like restaurants or cinemas. Cinemas wouldn’t bother me but eating alone would make me feel awkward. Generally I love to be alone, but I also love my friends and doing things with them.

    Liked by 2 people

    • janieleeds says:

      I like my alone time too, but I was turning more into a hermit and not saying yes to invites and so they dwindled. When I was younger and worked in the city, I ate alone many days for lunch and I liked bringing a book and eating lunch and watching people. But going to dinner or to a bar by myself, that’s not in my comfort zone yet. Maybe never. Bands and clubs alone! I’m impressed. I’m not sure I’d be able to do that one. I haven’t been to the movies alone either, but then I prefer to watch them on my tv at home.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. SDC says:

    It was a whole new experience after 18 years either hanging with our mutual friends just myself, or being with entirely different people that weren’t in my life when I was married. This past few years has given me lots of opportunity to reflect on how to have the best social:alone ratio to keep me balanced. But yes…definitely all new dynamics to deal with once that person isn’t there anymore…even if it’s just a change in the way your previous friends act towards you…it’s all just different! 🙌

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Sam, it is just different. That’s the best way to put it. No better or worse, just different. Something to get used to – and with mutual friends, it’s just sometimes awkward or they fade away or choose sides. It puts everyone in a strange spot for awhile until it settles down and whatever it has become is now the new normal.

      Liked by 2 people

      • SDC says:

        Indeed, it all comes out in the wash eventually after all the redefining of everyones roles (and loyalties in some cases 😔).

        Like

      • janieleeds says:

        Oh yes, the redefining of loyalties. Most surprising of all. But I wouldn’t chase friendship for anyone who doesn’t want me around. Thanks for understanding. I’m sorry you do through the experiences you’ve had. But it’s nice for someone else to just get it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • SDC says:

        Well…I try to take all of that with a grain of salt. Ive seen plenty of people take a side not cause they wanted to but because the ex couple made things awkward which is too bad. But theres always bound to be a little taking of sides even if its not malicious *shrug*. Still sucks until it evens out.

        Like

      • janieleeds says:

        I think it just happens because you are more bonded with one than the other. I always said there were no sides in our divorce. Please don’t feel split between us. But it happened anyway. I guess it’s just the way of life. There’s no malicious that I’ve seen or experienced thank goodness. Just the way the cookie/relationship crumbles. But it still sucks all the same.

        Like

  4. TJ Fox says:

    With my first husband, we did a lot together. Going out, having friends over, all that. I enjoyed it to an extent, but I’m very much a home body and the stuff we did was almost always with his friends, most I just kind of tolerated. After we split, I had a baby at home and the only times I ever really went out was when he was with his dad. At that time, I went out for lots of different reasons, but mostly because I was still pretty young and wanting more out of my life.

    If anything were to happen with Hubby now, I don’t know that I would do those same things. I’m even more of a home body now than ever. The things I enjoy doing are all at home for the most part. I do hate doing things on my own and love it if it works out to where Hubby and I can do the shopping and errands together, but it rarely happens. I think I’d be a mess, honestly, because I just am not a social person.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Create Space says:

    Great post, opening up great discussion and giving insights into how change affects each of us and how different and yet similar the experiences are. I think society needs to change or be changed…I think being single needs to be normalised.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I agree with you. I mean, I look at my few friends who never married and I wonder if they feel that way too. Of course, we haven’t discussed it but I’d like to hear their experiences if any that they want to share.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Great post, and I have to say I’m not there yet with the whole ‘going out’ thing. I think part of me is secure in ‘just’ being a Mum and that I use that as a shield (excuse?) so that I don’t have to do the scary going out thing! Yes, I see girlfriends… in ffact there’s not enough time to see them all as often as I’d like… but getting out there as a singletons and socialising in situations where it’s ‘different’ for me to be on my own (& I might be seen as a ‘seeker’…?) – I’m not there yet!! XX

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t go out to pick up. I go out alone to do things I want to do or feel passionate about eg live music. It’s a difference in your mind because otherwise I wouldn’t do it either!

      Like

      • janieleeds says:

        I completely understand. I wasn’t thinking of the pick up. I was just teasing. 🙂 I hope you didn’t think I was being unkind. I was just trying to lamely be funny with a play on words. I admire you for going out. I am just stepping out a bit myself and it’s harder than it looks! Good for you!

        Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I’m only safely going out with friends/girlfriends at this point. Not ready to venture into completely new territory as parenting the kids for me is first and foremost. BUT…’tis the holiday season and I’m not going to be a hermit if I can help it. I want to go out where I’m comfortable and happy with friends. For me, it was a huge step to even go out…baby steps. xo

      Like

  7. I found it so strange going out alone when my marriage ended, I did not even like standing close to another man it all felt alien! I joined a group of separated/ divorced women and we would go out once a week. It was fun, we would howl with laughter. I suppose because I was with my husband from being 15 years old I had never experienced going out with girlfriends. In reality my puberty began at 46 🤷🏼‍♀️ What can I say I was a late starter 🤪🤯🙄

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s