My Heart Is Heavy But Healing

myheartisheavybuthealing

So my kids met the new girlfriend of my ex (their dad) this weekend.  It was hard for me to not tell them that she was coming (I knew from other family members), but as an afterthought, he didn’t tell them until a few hours before he arrived with her for the weekend.  I am just grateful that he finally told them instead of surprising them with her unexpected arrival – like tada!  Here’s my girlfriend, be happy for me.

Because both my kids are very close with me, they needed to vent about the weekend and at first, I was ok with it.  But I will admit I had a hard time sleeping last night because even though I don’t want my ex back, his continuous affection with the girlfriend in front of the kids which made them uncomfortable and one even said, oh my gosh mom they needed to get a room – gross! made me sad.  As did his parents’ overwhelming sucking up (as one kid put it) to the new girlfriend.  Add to the fact that ex’s very catholic parent declared that his girlfriend would be staying with him in his bedroom within 5 minutes of my kids meeting her added to my kids feeling hurt.  And let me be honest here, I’m hurting a little bit too.

But I’m their Mom first and foremost, so I listened as they vented to me about their weekend.  I laughed when they told funny stories and shared in the uncovering of the weird family dynamics which came to light under the circumstances.  I was really proud of them that they realized a lot about human nature by observing and questioning motives by many of his family members and their dad himself.  They got it, what I’ve been seeing now that I’m out of the family loop.  The incredibly unhealthy dysfunctional way in which they interact.  They named the healthy family members and luckily sought them out to bond with and were more mute around the toxic ones.  It’s sad when your kids who idolized certain family members realize reality.  Heck, it took me a long time to do so myself, but now that I’m healthier, I can see it.  I’m grateful that at their ages, they can see it too.

I’m ok with having been replaced because I do not want the ex back and I have been enjoying the freedom from being away from his family.  Even the kids were saying how happy I am lately and how they are loving seeing their mom in a good place.  I feel it too which I love sharing with them.  It’s been a transition to say the least from the woman who was married to the divorced mom, but I am liking my life even better now.  Time does heal in mysterious ways.

The best part was this:  both my kids said that they love their dad and his family.  They liked the new girlfriend even though the situation was weird.  They were happy that their dad seemed happy because he was all over her (girlfriend) the whole time.  But most importantly, both told me that we three are family and that we three are the most important to them (meaning me and the the kids).  One even went so far as to tell me that if anything happened to his dad or to his family, he would be sad, but that I am everything to him and as his best friend and mom, he didn’t know what he’d do without me.  He said that he was so grateful that we’ve all found peace and that he was able to have home with mom and his sibling and not with his dad.

And isn’t that what taking the high road is all about?  It’s instilling confidence in our kids and giving them security to feel what they feel, to say what they want to say without disrespecting them and to hold steady a place of peace, love and understanding for them to blossom.

My heart was heavy that they had to experience this weekend, but it’s healing because we’ve gotten through it as a family, just like we are supposed to do it.  I’m also grateful that they like his new girlfriend and that they still find love for their dad and his family, but that they can see what they hadn’t seen before.

Love is a grey area, I tell my kids this all the time.  It’s not black and white.  It’s grey and all the shades in between.  Love is not I love you when you do, act, be x, y, z, but instead, I love all of your parts and I accept you for the person you are.  They get it, especially after this weekend.  Nobody’s perfect, but we can still love them, each in our own ways.

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14 Responses to My Heart Is Heavy But Healing

  1. The way that your children dealt with the weekend is testament to you Janie. You should feel so proud that YOU have raised such great human beings. The weekend could have had devastating results if you had not prepared them throughout their life how to accept and deal with situations. I know it hurts when an ex moves on (even when we don’t want them back) Your future will be much happier and have more depth than he will ever experience. It’s almost Christmas, your looking beautiful, drop the old and bring in the new 🎉🎉🎉💫✨🎄 in a beautiful calm household.

    Liked by 2 people

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Elaine. It was hard on me too to know that he’s moved on, even though I don’t want him myself. But the beautiful calm household is key now more than ever and I am really enjoying it! Thank you for your support and caring and understanding xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. L. Rorschach says:

    I think it’s important for kids to see their parents in affectionate relationships. My kids couldn’t remember me having a relationship like that with their dad but, thankfully, they have seen it in both my relationships I’ve had since then. One of the reasons I wanted to end my marriage is because I didn’t want to model that to my kids. I didn’t want them to internalize that marriage was about two people who supposedly love each other bickering or being indifferent toward each other. (4 hours of marriage counseling didn’t make any difference.)

    They loved having my boyfriends around because they saw how happy they made me. ❤

    It's important to celebrate and support loving relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My kids have yet to see me being actively appreciated physically. They have never met any of my lovers. My younger son is very possessive of me and anxious that me having a bf would change our home life, but when the time comes I’m pretty sure they will be accepting. Like me, they would probably not want him around all the time though!

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. Rorschach says:

        I’ve found that a 4th person changes our family dynamic for the better. It’s a nice distraction and, therefore, my kids aren’t constantly at each other’s throats.

        And both kids love seeing me happy with someone… and seeing us being affectionate with each other. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • janieleeds says:

        That’s awesome! I love hearing this and can’t wait until I have someone special to share my life with and who gets along wonderfully with my kids! Good for you! Thanks for sharing xo

        Liked by 1 person

      • janieleeds says:

        I hope that when the time (and the man) is right, your children will lovingly welcome a new man into your life who honors all of you with his presence. ♥

        Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you for sharing! I hope that one day I will be as blessed. In the meantime, I am getting happier everyday and that’s enough for me as I wait for the next chapter to arrive! lol ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  3. TJ Fox says:

    Our kids will eventually see us as humans and imperfect and it is almost always hard for them to absorb that. It looks like they got to experience that in a solidly healthy way, which is always a plus. So happy for you and your kids.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are blessed to have a beautiful bond with your children. I am glad you let them have their own opinions and make their own decisions about your ex’s new relationship and his family. That speaks highly of you.
    Best wishes and much love!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. invisveil says:

    Janie, im not sure which blog it was, but it just struck me, because it sounded kinda familiar, when you mentioned that your ex would have the kids spy or tell him what you were doing??? my question is…did i get it right? and how did you get over the pain of having your kids have this allegiance to their dad ? did you feel betrayed? i have felt this way and ofcourse i love my kids beyond, thats why it hurt so bad when they would tell him i was crazy or not good to get out of something like bad grades

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I have asked my kids to not tell ex nor his family anything about me. Because they are badgered by questions about me, I just told them to say they didn’t know because frankly, it’s none of ex’s nor his family’s business what I do. I have nothing to hide, but I want my privacy. I do tell my kids what I’m doing so that they know. They live with me so they know what’s going on here.
      My kids allegiance is more with me. I am sorry you are dealing with this painful experience. Do your kids live with you? That makes it easier I think. I’m sending you a hug.

      Liked by 1 person

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