What If I Had Never Been Broken?

Strange title for a post, but I think about it from time to time.  What if the Ex had never left me?  What if we had stayed married until both kids had gone to University?  What if his marriage apathy had continued and my bond with him was still aching to be reunited, but instead remained strained and deteriorating?

My views have developed into a healthier state of mind from him leaving me/us to him having the courage to set me free for which I’m ever grateful.  Being stuck in that repeat mode of he left me, I loved him, I wasn’t enough, I’m hurting, his family is gone, why couldn’t we have worked it out?  I don’t believe in divorce, what about he said he’d love me forever? and so on and so forth was so painful and I’ll admit, I perseverated over those thoughts for a long period of time because I would have never left him.  I just kept thinking that if we would have tried (both of us) to reconnect and to build upon the over 20 years of marriage that we’d already been through to make it better, we could have succeeded.  But as you know, that wasn’t to be.

But if I hadn’t been broken by his leaving, the separation and subsequent divorce, I would never have begun to search for me!  I would have never ventured into the blogging arena and founded this blog, connected with all of you and learned how to authentically be me again!  God bless the silver lining!

I may have never had the gut wrenching need to soul search and to mend the broken pieces of my heart, my soul, my mind and my thinking.  And that in itself has taken more than 3 years of uncovering parts of me that had yellowed with age and grown dusty from non-use.  The childish wonder of falling snow (ok, I never lost that part of me!) but the other parts that subdued with 20 years of marriage into brittle dust have re-emerged to gain substance.  The twinkle in my eyes when I get excited.  The refreshing laughter when I don’t have to police myself because someone else might think I’m too loud or try to control me.  The fun in being unpredictable, in eating breakfast foods for dinner occasionally or daring to leave the dishes in the sink until morning!  And decorating for Christmas early!  Yay!  It doesn’t take much for me to be loving my new independence.  It’s the little things, those changes which have slowly developed in me to re-emerge as the Janie who enjoys life and the present moment more often!  My kids have noticed it and commented on it.  Friends from long ago have mentioned it and couple friends are delighted to know there’s a side of me whom they didn’t really enjoy existed because I was part of a couple and by the time they met me, it was easier for me not to make waves.

I think there’s a bigger slice of empathy and compassion that emerges after one’s heart is broken thoroughly.  There’s a distrust after trust has been completely broken and it’s a learning curve to allow ourselves to be vulnerable again and to open our hearts when it’s time to learn to trust ourselves and others again.  I’m not there yet, but someday…I’d like to be when it’s the right time.

I’m still healing, but I can see the light in the darkness and I guess I always could.  I just didn’t want to be divorced.  I didn’t want us to fail.  I would have never left him because I believed we could have made it.  I didn’t ever want to give up.

But I have given up and let go of the Ex, of his family, of the marriage, of our life together and I have picked up the broken pieces to mend my life.  I’m rebuilding a more authentically me at 50, one whom I am enjoying being with grace, dignity, love, light and wonder and above all, gratitude for all the goodness in my life.

There’s a blessing to being broken and putting myself back together again.  This time I can pick and choose what I want to continue and what I want to let go of in me.  It’s like whipping up a favorite recipe your way and not necessarily the way everyone else eats it.  In other words, I am going to leave the perfection broken piece in the past and only put a sliver of it back into my being.  Gone are those days when everything had to be perfect all the time.  You know what I’m saying?  I can keep what I like about me and drop what I don’t think serves me anymore.  I’m finding it’s a mighty grand feeling if I do say so myself!  🙂

How do you feel about feeling broken?  Do you understand how I feel?  Do you feel the same way?  I wish you healing, love and light in your life today and always, no matter what.  And I thank you all for being so kind and supportive to me.

 

 

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16 Responses to What If I Had Never Been Broken?

  1. The V Pub says:

    A couple of things. First of all, as humans, I think that we’re all broken to some extent. Some recover better than others, but we all bear the scars that make us human. Secondly, and this is corny, but there’s a saying ‘everything for a reason’. I do believe that, although there are times that the reason doesn’t reveal itself.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to write to me. I agree with you. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can see now that I am changed for the better by being broken and healing and I wouldn’t have been able to do that if those situations hadn’t happened in the first place.

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  2. TJ Fox says:

    My life has been far from perfect. There have been so many times I’ve felt broken beyond repair, only to realize later on down the line that, broken-seeming or whole-seeming, I am always still me, still growing, still changing. Even with all the ugly and hard and excruciatingly painful, I’m grateful for every moment of it because it has led me to here and I love here. Here isn’t perfect. Here still has times of excruciating pain and ugly. But here is still good because it is also full of love and wonder and beauty, I just have to remember to see it sometimes. When it is no longer here and becomes there, I know that I will look back and be grateful for it like all the other theres because I will be at a new here that means that I’m still me, still growing and still changing. For me, that is a beautiful thing.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I think we all feel broken at some point in our lives. I think part of living a full life means dealing with heartache of all sorts. It always sucks, but then you get on with it, and discover new things about yourself. Nothing about life is easy. Just take it one step at a time. We’ve all been there.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. bone&silver says:

    Wow, what a powerful post to end the year with! You’ve obviously worked really long and hard to get to know yourself again, and deal with some of your ‘stuff’, I commend you. I felt totally broken after my beloved Dad suddenly died, but slowly, our souls come back out to play again don’t they? May you find lots of things to smile, laugh, and feel excited about in the coming year, and thank you for sharing so honestly, blessings G

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Blessings to you too dear friend! I am wrapping you in a healing hug! When our loved ones pass away, I feel like they are still with us even though we don’t physically see them. We can feel their essence and find strength to heal. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Beautiful post! And yes, I can relate. It’s so freeing when we can look at these things as part of our larger journey – and purpose. Some lessons can only be learned while going through the fire. And it’s pretty empowering when we emerge on the other side elevated from where we were. Sometimes staying in old relationships, old situations and old patterns keeps us stuck in mediocrity and no longer serves our best and highest good. The process may hurt but the end results are usually pretty glorious. Thanks for sharing part of yourself here!

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you for stopping by Pamela and for commenting. I think you are completely right. While I would have never chosen to walk through the fire, I am grateful for what was on the other side of healing! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Create Space says:

    You write beautifully Janie, it’s like sitting next to you, chatting and I hear a very different voice to the voice I heard in your post a few months back. I am delighted for you and there is so much yet to come for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Very powerful post – it sounds like you are heading towards a good space. And that starts, like you said, with letting go. Leave the baggage behind, it’s a Jetblue (or Ryanair if you”re in Europe) type of spiritual journy 😉

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