Strange title for a post, but I think about it from time to time. What if the Ex had never left me? What if we had stayed married until both kids had gone to University? What if his marriage apathy had continued and my bond with him was still aching to be reunited, but instead remained strained and deteriorating?
My views have developed into a healthier state of mind from him leaving me/us to him having the courage to set me free for which I’m ever grateful. Being stuck in that repeat mode of he left me, I loved him, I wasn’t enough, I’m hurting, his family is gone, why couldn’t we have worked it out? I don’t believe in divorce, what about he said he’d love me forever? and so on and so forth was so painful and I’ll admit, I perseverated over those thoughts for a long period of time because I would have never left him. I just kept thinking that if we would have tried (both of us) to reconnect and to build upon the over 20 years of marriage that we’d already been through to make it better, we could have succeeded. But as you know, that wasn’t to be.
But if I hadn’t been broken by his leaving, the separation and subsequent divorce, I would never have begun to search for me! I would have never ventured into the blogging arena and founded this blog, connected with all of you and learned how to authentically be me again! God bless the silver lining!
I may have never had the gut wrenching need to soul search and to mend the broken pieces of my heart, my soul, my mind and my thinking. And that in itself has taken more than 3 years of uncovering parts of me that had yellowed with age and grown dusty from non-use. The childish wonder of falling snow (ok, I never lost that part of me!) but the other parts that subdued with 20 years of marriage into brittle dust have re-emerged to gain substance. The twinkle in my eyes when I get excited. The refreshing laughter when I don’t have to police myself because someone else might think I’m too loud or try to control me. The fun in being unpredictable, in eating breakfast foods for dinner occasionally or daring to leave the dishes in the sink until morning! And decorating for Christmas early! Yay! It doesn’t take much for me to be loving my new independence. It’s the little things, those changes which have slowly developed in me to re-emerge as the Janie who enjoys life and the present moment more often! My kids have noticed it and commented on it. Friends from long ago have mentioned it and couple friends are delighted to know there’s a side of me whom they didn’t really enjoy existed because I was part of a couple and by the time they met me, it was easier for me not to make waves.
I think there’s a bigger slice of empathy and compassion that emerges after one’s heart is broken thoroughly. There’s a distrust after trust has been completely broken and it’s a learning curve to allow ourselves to be vulnerable again and to open our hearts when it’s time to learn to trust ourselves and others again. I’m not there yet, but someday…I’d like to be when it’s the right time.
I’m still healing, but I can see the light in the darkness and I guess I always could. I just didn’t want to be divorced. I didn’t want us to fail. I would have never left him because I believed we could have made it. I didn’t ever want to give up.
But I have given up and let go of the Ex, of his family, of the marriage, of our life together and I have picked up the broken pieces to mend my life. I’m rebuilding a more authentically me at 50, one whom I am enjoying being with grace, dignity, love, light and wonder and above all, gratitude for all the goodness in my life.
There’s a blessing to being broken and putting myself back together again. This time I can pick and choose what I want to continue and what I want to let go of in me. It’s like whipping up a favorite recipe your way and not necessarily the way everyone else eats it. In other words, I am going to leave the perfection broken piece in the past and only put a sliver of it back into my being. Gone are those days when everything had to be perfect all the time. You know what I’m saying? I can keep what I like about me and drop what I don’t think serves me anymore. I’m finding it’s a mighty grand feeling if I do say so myself! 🙂
How do you feel about feeling broken? Do you understand how I feel? Do you feel the same way? I wish you healing, love and light in your life today and always, no matter what. And I thank you all for being so kind and supportive to me.