Conversations With Myself

Do you ever stop and listen to the thoughts you have all day long?  Are you ever aware of the conversations you have with yourself or better said, yourselves?  Because yesterday was a tremendously hard day for me and my selves were chattering away a mile a minute and arguing a lot.  Now before you think I’ve gone off my rocker, please know that I haven’t.  But I’ve become acutely aware how parts of me are having a tough time with quitting smoking.

Obviously there’s the physical withdrawal from smoking and nicotine which affects the body.  Going cold turkey probably wasn’t my best choice, but I thought I was woman enough to persevere.  Three days in and I was still probably riding on the residuals of the nicotine in my body so it wasn’t so bad.  Until last night.

I fell off the wagon to the tune of 3 cigarettes.  It’s funny, but the first one, although it calmed me, tasted yucky.  However, instead of walking away with one cigarette and saying, ok, get back in line and quit again now, I had 2 more.  Because once the seal of no more smoking was broken, those parts in me began their argument.

What’s one more?  Just do it.  You can quit again tomorrow.  Who’s to know?

But I had quit smoking and I just had one!  I can’t believe I did it.  I’m so disappointed in my myself.  What will the kids think?  What will my friends think?  I’m a failure!

Well, you wanted it.  And you did it.  Now start over.

But I like smoking!  Why do I have to quit cold turkey?  Why not wean myself off of them because this is too hard to do all at once!

You want to be healthy so just be like Nike and do it!

Cold turkey isn’t right for me.  I feel sick.  I’m a failure.  This is hard.

But we want to be healthy, right?  Ok, so let’s backtrack and start over tomorrow.

One more then, please?  It’s such a beautiful night out here and I’m feeling calmer.

Fine.  One more.  Then we go in.  But no more after that.

Ok, no more after this one.

Oh what the hell, what’s one more?  Three’s a good number.  I’ll stop now.  I already smell so that third one won’t make it worse because I already smell!

So I smoked a total of 3 and felt like a failure when I got back in the house.  What was worse was that the kids knew.  Dejectedly I came in and tidied up the kitchen.  They came downstairs, took a whiff and said, three days good and you’ll start again tomorrow.

I began to cry like a little girl, seeing the disappointment in their eyes and the kindness in their hearts.  They hugged me.

Mom, we’re proud that you did 3 days cold turkey.  So you fell off and had a few.  Now get back into the no smoking thinking and start again.

I’m so sorry I failed.  I failed you guys and I’m a bad role model.  Tears were pouring from my eyes for so many reasons.

Nope, we just know how hard it is now because you’re a strong woman.  You can do this.  Look on the bright side.  You did it for 3 days.  Now start again.

Their compassion and kindness made me so grateful that they’re mine.  Words can’t express how I felt after what they said to me.

So here I am again, starting over.  I am not sure that cold turkey is right for me though.  Maybe I’m not as strong as I once was because now my thoughts are so argumentative.  Perhaps I need a little help whether it’s weaning off of them slowly or the patch or a vape (their friend’s mom quit and used a vape to do it).  I’m not a gum chewer so that won’t work for me.

I’m open to suggestions.  I’m sorry to disappoint after 3 days, but I guess life is full of ups and downs.  At least I’m heading in the right direction.


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21 Responses to Conversations With Myself

  1. You can do this. Don’t let this get you down. Keep trying!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. invisveil says:

    I am trying to quit too!!! are you on the smoking cessation forum in i am but giogn through depression right now and doesnt help


    • janieleeds says:

      I am not on any forums. Just trying to do it on my own. Depression certainly doesn’t help when you’re trying to quit smoking. How’s it going for you? Are you doing it cold turkey?


  3. It’s happened so there’s no use beating yourself up about it 😊 what you have to ask yourself is how you were feeling when you felt the need? Smoking has filled a gap for you and has become a habit. Why don’t you start a diary saying how you feel at that moment I.e. were you tired? Bored, hungry, feeling down? You need to recognise your triggers. Write a list why you want to give up then write another asking yourself what you get from smoking. Which void is it filling. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Manuela says:

    Hi! Gee I have so much advice you might regret you asked! Ok so first off, I’m a non smoker. I quit for a few months then started again, than I quit for a year, then started again for a year plus, then I finally quit again for like 10 years, and while I was in Italy I smoked some. I don’t smoke anymore now.
    My point is this, we are addicts, we will always be addicts. Even after 10 or 20 years. So first, wrap your head around that. Second, because of this I know that one puff will be the slippery slope despite the fact that I feel so great I think I can handle just one puff when I’m having a few drinks one night etc.

    And lastly, and most importantly, when I got back from Italy I kept smoking … for 2 more months in fact. Did I chastise myself? Nope. I knew that I would stop, I just had to mentally focus on it and do it when I was ready to. And now I have.

    I have a love/hate relationship with smoking. You probably always will too. It feels so damn nice, it calms me, it relaxes me, I love hanging out on the balcony watching the birds, having a smoke. But, it also stinks, makes me stink, is disgusting to look at an ashtray, and is terrible for my health.

    I used the patch, it gives me nicotine so it keeps the urges off and the edginess. And here’s the thing, even though I haven’t smoked in over 10 years and just had for 3 months, I still used the patch again when quitting this time. There is no shame in admitting you need help. I could never quit cold turkey. The patch is my saving grace! I was only having 3 cigarettes or so a day these last 3 months. Everyone told me I didn’t need the patch. And maybe I didn’t. But I wanted to be sure, and I still had cravings (which is why I was still smoking 3 a day), so I decided to make it easier on myself and use the patch. It’s still cheaper than smoking. Well maybe not in my case since I didn’t smoke that much but whatever.

    Anyway, don’t be so hard on yourself Hun. You’ll be just fine. It takes most of us many tries and fails to kick this crap. I’ve heard it’s harder than quitting heroine. So be proud of yourself and just move forward. And I hope you’ll try the patch. Warning: it might give you intense dreams, not bad, just intense.


    • janieleeds says:

      Manuela you are awesome! Thanks for taking the time to write to me. I don’t know anyone on the patch but it seemed like a good choice. I’ve been cutting down on smoking, but that cold turkey thing was making me crazy. From someone with experience, I appreciate your wisdom and advice. I think I need to pick a quit date for real and then get the patch. I agree that it’s really addictive and I hadn’t smoked for decades! Ugh…I can do this. I have to because I feel the same as you do. Like it but hate it and it’s not healthy so it’s got to go. Thanks again for the advice. I am so happy you chose to share with me! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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