Do you ever stop and listen to the thoughts you have all day long? Are you ever aware of the conversations you have with yourself or better said, yourselves? Because yesterday was a tremendously hard day for me and my selves were chattering away a mile a minute and arguing a lot. Now before you think I’ve gone off my rocker, please know that I haven’t. But I’ve become acutely aware how parts of me are having a tough time with quitting smoking.
Obviously there’s the physical withdrawal from smoking and nicotine which affects the body. Going cold turkey probably wasn’t my best choice, but I thought I was woman enough to persevere. Three days in and I was still probably riding on the residuals of the nicotine in my body so it wasn’t so bad. Until last night.
I fell off the wagon to the tune of 3 cigarettes. It’s funny, but the first one, although it calmed me, tasted yucky. However, instead of walking away with one cigarette and saying, ok, get back in line and quit again now, I had 2 more. Because once the seal of no more smoking was broken, those parts in me began their argument.
What’s one more? Just do it. You can quit again tomorrow. Who’s to know?
But I had quit smoking and I just had one! I can’t believe I did it. I’m so disappointed in my myself. What will the kids think? What will my friends think? I’m a failure!
Well, you wanted it. And you did it. Now start over.
But I like smoking! Why do I have to quit cold turkey? Why not wean myself off of them because this is too hard to do all at once!
You want to be healthy so just be like Nike and do it!
Cold turkey isn’t right for me. I feel sick. I’m a failure. This is hard.
But we want to be healthy, right? Ok, so let’s backtrack and start over tomorrow.
One more then, please? It’s such a beautiful night out here and I’m feeling calmer.
Fine. One more. Then we go in. But no more after that.
Ok, no more after this one.
Oh what the hell, what’s one more? Three’s a good number. I’ll stop now. I already smell so that third one won’t make it worse because I already smell!
So I smoked a total of 3 and felt like a failure when I got back in the house. What was worse was that the kids knew. Dejectedly I came in and tidied up the kitchen. They came downstairs, took a whiff and said, three days good and you’ll start again tomorrow.
I began to cry like a little girl, seeing the disappointment in their eyes and the kindness in their hearts. They hugged me.
Mom, we’re proud that you did 3 days cold turkey. So you fell off and had a few. Now get back into the no smoking thinking and start again.
I’m so sorry I failed. I failed you guys and I’m a bad role model. Tears were pouring from my eyes for so many reasons.
Nope, we just know how hard it is now because you’re a strong woman. You can do this. Look on the bright side. You did it for 3 days. Now start again.
Their compassion and kindness made me so grateful that they’re mine. Words can’t express how I felt after what they said to me.
So here I am again, starting over. I am not sure that cold turkey is right for me though. Maybe I’m not as strong as I once was because now my thoughts are so argumentative. Perhaps I need a little help whether it’s weaning off of them slowly or the patch or a vape (their friend’s mom quit and used a vape to do it). I’m not a gum chewer so that won’t work for me.
I’m open to suggestions. I’m sorry to disappoint after 3 days, but I guess life is full of ups and downs. At least I’m heading in the right direction.