Does It Matter Now If He Cheated?

Even though I haven’t communicated with the ex in a long while, I had a dream about him.  In the dream, he told the truth and answered many questions about our marriage that were apparently still haunting me enough to have me dream about them.  Of course, in my dream, he was angry and told the truth in a nasty way.  The questions that swirl in my head are if he cheated and how many times.  In my dream, he answered affirmatively with the number six.  Whether it was meant for 6 times or 6 different women, I don’t know.

But when I woke up after the dream, it stayed with me, haunting and taunting me.  I couldn’t release it and it was plaguing my day.  Is it true?  Did he cheat?  Why did I dream that?  Did I somehow subconsciously know when/if he was cheating but chose to look away because the truth hurt so much?  Was it a fantasy dream in order for me to get on with my life and put the pain to rest?  Why would I have dreamed this?  What is happening here?  I haven’t had to deal with him in awhile now so why would this pop up in my head?  And honestly, I didn’t think it mattered to me anymore because the past is in the past.

But it mattered enough for the dream to happen and to stay with me.

The dream replayed in my head over and over enough for me to question so much of the past that I felt tangled up in it.  No amount of changing the channel would remove it.  It was like I was possessed with now wanting the truthful answers from him.  It was awful.  It made me crazy with grief again and I relived the pain of dishonesty, even though I have no solid definitive answers to my questions.

But in reality, in hindsight, I remember times in our marriage when I suspected, times when he worked overtime and when I found suspicious things which when I confronted him with them, he angrily told me I was wrong and I was making a mountain out of a molehill.  When that happened, I backed down and chose to believe him even though there was a little uncertainty that remained in my head.  He had that way of shutting me down and making me believe him and not my instincts.  Toxic love, bordering if not completely, on narcissistic abuse.  And I took it.  I scrambled to make things better with him, but he was angered by my questions as I begged for his forgiveness in questioning his fidelity.  Because I wanted to believe my husband of over 20 years.  I wanted things to work between us, to have us connect and to be happily married.

I shunned my uncertainties time and again, making excuses in my head for him and his erratic behavior and the suspicions that pointed to cheating.  I was questioning myself more than him because it only caused a fight.  I only wanted peace in my life and I was determined to not rock the boat.  How foolish I was in hindsight.

I think I had the dream to put the questions to rest.  I got my answers, whether or not they are true.  I am choosing to find peace in knowing that he is not the man I believed him to be – the faithful, kind, loving husband and father.  He has showed more times than not, his lying side to all of us and even though I never wanted to think badly of him, I do now.  Too many facts have come to the surface that show his lying.

So, I’m done with making excuses, with excusing bad behavior, with accepting 1/2 truths or big fat lies in order to keep the peace.  I don’t have to do it anymore.  I am divorced.

It’s time for me to let go fully.  It doesn’t matter if he cheated.  The past can be laid to rest.  It doesn’t change anything if he cheated or if he didn’t.  We are no longer together and it’ll remain a mystery unless something happens to bring out the truth and have it revealed.

In the meantime, I’m writing this for you, who may be in my same position.  Drop the hurt.  Rewrite history now.  The past is the past and remains in the past.  Start here and now.  Today, this moment, is all we’ve got and I’m asking you as I asked myself,

Do you want to waste time on a man who isn’t a part of your life anymore?  Or do you want to get on with your life and be freed from these shackles?  It’s up to you.

And I’m choosing my own freedom.  Join me.

 

 

 

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12 Responses to Does It Matter Now If He Cheated?

  1. Believe in yourself… you are way better than what he deserved/said/did. It’s remarkable how you can share your story to help others. 🙂

    Like

  2. Mischenko says:

    Janie, I can totally understand where you’re coming from with your dream. Dreams can be so deceiving though. I’ve been dissecting my own dreams here lately and have come to the conclusion that many of our dreams come from our own insecurities and thoughts. That might sound bad and may not be your case, but I’ve had many like you describe–some that stay with me all day. I don’t mean to sound like I know everything, because I certainly don’t, lol. I don’t know that it really matters now whether or not he cheated on you, but I think a lot of people think those thoughts and have those fears. You’re not alone. The thoughts of someone cheating on another person makes me cringe. It’s something I know I could never get over or forgive. What’s important now is that you are healing! You’ve moved on and you’re being the best mom you can be to your kids. You’re such a strong person and have taken control. It’s inspiring. ❤ Much love and lots of hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Mischenko. I am doing my best to heal. I write because there may be others who are in the same position like me and we need to heal ourselves and not feel so alone. Together I think we can heal quicker when we feel we have support because it can be really lonely when you feel like it’s just you. Much love and lots of hugs to you! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m with mischenko. She makes a lot of sense

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Manuela says:

    Yeah it doesn’t matter, he was still an ass who didn’t deserve you and abused you in many ways. You’re so wonderful for sharing your story and reminding us all of our worth. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Manuela! I think there are a lot of us out there who need to just drop the past and move along to a better life. But it’s incredibly hard. We are all so worthy of goodness in our lives. ♥

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I still dream about my ex now years after. I think it is not a matter of letting go of an ex it is more about acceptance that it’s really over. He cheated that really really hurts that pain will always be there but will hurt less over time .

    Say to yourself in the mirror everyday

    I am a beautiful human being with a loving soul
    I deserve so much better and I KNOW that great times are coming my way.

    Every time you go to the bathroom or see a mirror repeat that out loud. 💕

    I used to think that my ex was living the high life when we split up, in reality I think he is an extremely sad man.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Elaine, you understand me…thank you. xo I thought the way you did about my ex and part of me sees that he’s living the high life, but he’s also sad because he’s missing out so he fills his time with superficial junk. I will start the mirror work today. Thank you soooo much xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

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