Even though I haven’t communicated with the ex in a long while, I had a dream about him. In the dream, he told the truth and answered many questions about our marriage that were apparently still haunting me enough to have me dream about them. Of course, in my dream, he was angry and told the truth in a nasty way. The questions that swirl in my head are if he cheated and how many times. In my dream, he answered affirmatively with the number six. Whether it was meant for 6 times or 6 different women, I don’t know.
But when I woke up after the dream, it stayed with me, haunting and taunting me. I couldn’t release it and it was plaguing my day. Is it true? Did he cheat? Why did I dream that? Did I somehow subconsciously know when/if he was cheating but chose to look away because the truth hurt so much? Was it a fantasy dream in order for me to get on with my life and put the pain to rest? Why would I have dreamed this? What is happening here? I haven’t had to deal with him in awhile now so why would this pop up in my head? And honestly, I didn’t think it mattered to me anymore because the past is in the past.
But it mattered enough for the dream to happen and to stay with me.
The dream replayed in my head over and over enough for me to question so much of the past that I felt tangled up in it. No amount of changing the channel would remove it. It was like I was possessed with now wanting the truthful answers from him. It was awful. It made me crazy with grief again and I relived the pain of dishonesty, even though I have no solid definitive answers to my questions.
But in reality, in hindsight, I remember times in our marriage when I suspected, times when he worked overtime and when I found suspicious things which when I confronted him with them, he angrily told me I was wrong and I was making a mountain out of a molehill. When that happened, I backed down and chose to believe him even though there was a little uncertainty that remained in my head. He had that way of shutting me down and making me believe him and not my instincts. Toxic love, bordering if not completely, on narcissistic abuse. And I took it. I scrambled to make things better with him, but he was angered by my questions as I begged for his forgiveness in questioning his fidelity. Because I wanted to believe my husband of over 20 years. I wanted things to work between us, to have us connect and to be happily married.
I shunned my uncertainties time and again, making excuses in my head for him and his erratic behavior and the suspicions that pointed to cheating. I was questioning myself more than him because it only caused a fight. I only wanted peace in my life and I was determined to not rock the boat. How foolish I was in hindsight.
I think I had the dream to put the questions to rest. I got my answers, whether or not they are true. I am choosing to find peace in knowing that he is not the man I believed him to be – the faithful, kind, loving husband and father. He has showed more times than not, his lying side to all of us and even though I never wanted to think badly of him, I do now. Too many facts have come to the surface that show his lying.
So, I’m done with making excuses, with excusing bad behavior, with accepting 1/2 truths or big fat lies in order to keep the peace. I don’t have to do it anymore. I am divorced.
It’s time for me to let go fully. It doesn’t matter if he cheated. The past can be laid to rest. It doesn’t change anything if he cheated or if he didn’t. We are no longer together and it’ll remain a mystery unless something happens to bring out the truth and have it revealed.
In the meantime, I’m writing this for you, who may be in my same position. Drop the hurt. Rewrite history now. The past is the past and remains in the past. Start here and now. Today, this moment, is all we’ve got and I’m asking you as I asked myself,
Do you want to waste time on a man who isn’t a part of your life anymore? Or do you want to get on with your life and be freed from these shackles? It’s up to you.
And I’m choosing my own freedom. Join me.