Blinded By The Lies

Tuning into narcissistic behaviors, once your eyes have been opened is a hard truth to handle.  Because for the most part, we want to believe people are telling the truth, especially if it’s our loved one.  Why would we question or doubt what they are telling us?  We tend to give them the benefit of the doubt when we’re in love.  We choose to put on blinders when we long to believe what they’re saying.  We question ourselves instead of questioning them.  Sometimes when we do question them,  we are met with half-truths that we accept until we get more information that leads us to know for a fact that they are lying.  Sometimes our questions are met with our loved one making us afraid to think we don’t trust them and they gas-light us into thinking otherwise.  It’s almost a relief when we can see past the lies into the truth, but it’s also difficult when the blinders are ripped off of our trusting eyes.

Do you remember the moment when Dorothy sees behind the curtain to the real Wizard of Oz?  That the mighty Wizard was simply a man behind a curtain with an agenda?  She didn’t figure it out until Toto pulled back the curtain, but it was with perfect timing that it happened.  And for me, it was perfect timing as well because even though I wasn’t really ready to know the truths, it was way past the time to open my eyes.

Having people with narcissistic behaviors in my life, I’ve now developed a thoughtful lie meter, but only after the blinders were taken from my loving eyes.  I used to berate myself for having fallen for so many lies and giving the benefit of the doubt to what I now see as ridiculous lies in hindsight.  But I loved my family and always wanted to see the best in them.  I excused bad behavior and accepted them for who they were.  Now I do not have to tolerate the lies that they find necessary.  It’s been hard to extract myself, but it’s over.

It is still baffling to me how I believed all those flimsy excuses that I accepted as truths.  The changes in behavior that were probably signaling either a mid-life crisis or affair or both, well I didn’t want to see them for what they were.  In hindsight, I was blinded by being in love even though I questioned myself and him and didn’t feel at peace.  There was always a little intuition which told me deceit but I looked away for fear that the entire house of cards I’d built around our life together was falling apart.

If you’re in a relationship with a Wizard of Lies, heed my warning.  Listen to your intuition.  Be aware of what’s going on beneath the surface and dig deeper when needed.  Narcissistic behavior is tricky to navigate especially when we love the person.  The realization that there are scattered lies throws us into chaotic turmoil emotionally and mentally.  Some narcissists lie as they breathe air so we become finely attuned to doubting our own doubts in favor of saving the relationship.

Keep a private diary so that you can go back and remember correctly what was said at certain key times.  Share with a trusted friend so that when you are back in love again and all is going smoothly and another crisis comes along, you don’t forget about the previous crisis conveniently because you don’t want to see the truth and you want the relationship to work.  The Wizard of Lies is so attuned and on top of their game that if you don’t think that way, you can fall for the lies, time and time again.

I admit, I have a soft spot for narcissists that aren’t in my life anymore.  I feel sorry for them and I am grateful my brain doesn’t function like theirs does because it’s a heavy burden to lie and to constantly be on your game to feel good about yourself.  That doesn’t excuse bad behavior or lying though.  It just makes me more grateful to be free of the narcissistic chains that bound me and happy that my eyes see clearly now.

There’s a good life after narcissistic relationships.

You just have to get healthy enough to accept the new.

 

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Blinded By The Lies

  1. Good post. You need to turn this into a book

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A R says:

    I can relate. This is VERY TRUE. When those lies are exposed, that person blames YOU for the reason that they lied. Not admitting to their fault once again. Even though you caught them in the act. He gets defensive and he makes you start doubting yourself once again. I have been in this position many times. Eventually, I start to believe what he was telling was the truth…
    I am so happy for you! You are living your own life on your own terms now.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Mischenko says:

    This is great advice, Janie. It’s crazy how love can totally make up blind too. I watched my mom go through it for years. It’s so hard. 💖

    Like

  4. TJ Fox says:

    Part of why it is so hard to accept and believe our intuition about the lies is that, unless we were raised in a way that we could see and recognize it, it is one of those things that we never actually believe to be a possibility. No one grows up thinking, I need to be careful in case the person I fall in love with is a lier. That particular scenario never occurs to us that it could conceivably be a part of reality. So much so that we take so much longer to accept it. This isn’t something I even really understood, even after having been away from my ex for years, until I started dealing with OC and being forced to confront possibilities and realities that no parent ever really understands is possible for their child.

    Combine that with the fact that so many narcissists have an uncanny ability to convince you of just about anything. They are the supreme actors with a high amount of charisma that it is easy to believe what they want you to believe. OC didn’t have those abilities as much and it was easier for me to see through the BS. Either that or I had finally learned on a subconscious level, I don’t really know. Once you do start to see it, the blinders are off and it is almost impossible for them to go back on, even with new people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      I’m sorry you understand this as much as you do because it means you have serious experience in it (which I already knew) but I am glad that you wrote TJ because you get it. And once we get it, we can see saw on it for a bit, but finally the lies can no longer be tolerated. And yet, it’s funny how ex still lies and now kids are seeing it as well. It makes me think I’m less trusting now even though I want to be trusting. I’m just a tiny bit jaded. I won’t be that gullible again. Thanks TJ xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        I do think it makes us a bit more jaded. I don’t know that that is a bad thing. I do know that I do not trust easily, but it is because of a combination of experiences, not just this one. I don’t like that because it pushes me toward isolation, but I do still try to find a balance. That is really the key to everything, isn’t it? Finding a balance you can live with.

        Like

      • janieleeds says:

        Oh yes, balance is key in everything but most especially in relationships. I can understand the trust piece as well. I don’t want this to define my relationships so I’m a work in progress.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s