Today’s prompt cavity made me ache to write to you. Because as ex-spouses or ex-partners, there’s a hole in our hearts after our loved one leaves. It aches like a cavity and the pain that we feel within takes effort to cure. Like a cavity in a tooth, there needs to be a little digging and removal of the bad that has accumulated in order to fill in the gap and heal. You can’t just pop a cap on the tooth without removing the wound and you can’t do that either with a broken heart. Charging ahead with another relationship soon afterwards may make you feel better for a bit, but when that one’s done, you’re still living with the empty cavity. And if you’re like me, when there’s a hole in a tooth, my tongue seeks it out constantly, maybe even unwillingly, until it’s fixed. Are you the same way?
So how in the world do you heal yourself? That’s the question we all want answered, but I think it’s different for everyone. We all grieve in different ways because each person’s story is different. But what connects us is the mind, body, heart and soul which need to heal after heartache.
Once I realized that no matter what I did to reconnect with him wasn’t happening, I let go and began to work on my own healing. Many times, I have known people who continued to try to reconnect, to bridge the gap between them and their partners in order to return to what was comfortably the pattern previously. But after a breakup, the pattern is broken. Sure, I have known people who got back together after a breakup, but it was with help, with counseling for them to succeed as a couple because they both wanted to be together and they were both willing to work on the relationship. They had to get passed the previous patterns, put to rest the ugly negative memories and start fresh with new relationship patterning.
For the rest of us, there’s no going back, no matter how comfortable it was because the relationship has changed irrevocably. We have to dig deeply into that wounded self who’s dragging her heart around, clean out the negative beliefs and start fresh in probably a most uncomfortable way because we’re single again. If like me, you were together with your ex for a long time, being on your own is scary at first. It’s like dangling on the edge of a cliff and it’s hard to find your footing and stable ground. But it’s very necessary. This is where friends help. People who have walked this path before you are great helpers in healing. Patience is necessary, as is being able to see the big picture instead of your side of the fence. Taking responsibility for your part in the relationship and perhaps even in the downfall that led to the separation to begin with is not fun, but it’s part of your being able to move on after the breakup. Then the healing begins as you can see with the blinders off, how the relationship evolved to a permanent separation.
It takes time to heal your broken heart. The one thing I learned after beating myself up for a long time was that I had to let go of all the hurt, the pain, the past memories and put them away in a peaceful place. That was the toughest part for me. To forgive what I deemed unforgivable. Not to say it was ok, but to move ahead, forgive myself and forgive my ex for not being able to make it another 20+ years.
We are all a work in progress, transitioning as we allow ourselves to heal, in our own time. You can’t skip steps in grieving or in healing. There are lessons to be learned at each plateau that will make you a healthier, happier you in the end.
And isn’t that the goal? To be happy, healthy and to love again? You can do it. Be kind to yourself. Begin to journal so you can let it go. Talk with trusted friends or a therapist. Don’t jump into bed with the next Tom, Dick or Harry because that’s not solving anything. That’s just muddying the waters until that relationship ends and you’re back to square one with now 2 ex’s.
You need a healthy you before you can share yourself again. You need to be healed and to love yourself again before you venture out to find the next person. Otherwise you may repeat the patterns of the last relationship and find yourself in the same predicament.
Our self-worth takes a beating when we are heartbroken. So we have to clean out the bad feelings, the sadness, the self-pity, the confusion and all the rest of the negativity from the past relationship before we can embrace the new one. Make a new relationship with yourself – a healthy one. Get your mojo back. Then when you’re healed, you’ll attract someone with whom you can bond and hopefully be happy with because you’re happy with yourself again.