Choices

choices

A lifetime ago, I chose between two potentially good men.  Not only did I choose between two very different men, it was also a choice of where I was to live, what language would be predominate in my home (if the relationship evolved into marriage) and the trajectory my life would take in the future.

Almost thirty years later, I see that decision as life changing for I stayed with the man I chose, married and raised a family with him for more than twenty years.  I do not regret my decision for I have two great kids with him and even though the marriage didn’t last and I am divorced, I am at peace.

The other day though, I was thinking about that fateful time I was at a crossroads and I had to choose.  Sadly, I bid a fond adieu to one man and embraced the other.  I wasn’t ready to change my life completely and be totally out of my element, always the foreigner in his land.  To this day, I cannot tell you that if I had chosen differently, would the relationship with him have lasted or evolved into marriage eventually.  The road not taken is never certain.

But now that I’m divorced, I wonder about that road not taken.  I stand in peace with my choice.  I believe it was right for me at the time for so many different, private reasons.  But I wonder, what if?

Recently, the man I did not choose, reached out to me.  From the grapevine, he learned that I am divorced.  We have communicated a bit, tentatively sharing what’s gone on in our lives since that fateful choice I made and it’s bringing up all sorts of memories for me.  The way we were, the laughter, the love and the time spent idyllically together.  Of course, it remains a mystery whether we would have stayed together if I had chosen him, but as I sit here, it’s soothing to me to go down memory lane.

I wonder where this may lead –  whether it is simply a part of the healing process or the romantic beginnings of a reunited love after decades of separation.  I am unsure and I am going with the flow as it unfolds.  We were so much younger back then and our relationship was boundless because we weren’t burdened by responsibilities.  We were young, in love and enjoyed each other’s company.  I’ve forgotten the painful parts and only remember the good which is dangerous.  I am a different person now, but still very much the same.  His reaching out reminded me of that girl who loved life, who wasn’t afraid and who lived in possibility.  I was authentically me back then.  Perhaps his reaching out is to reignite that authentic me who’s been dormant for so long.  It certainly feels that way at this moment.  But my question is – Does he want more?  Do I want more?  Only time will tell.

Have you ever reunited with a lost love?  How did it turn out?

 

This entry was posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50, inspiration, love, women 50 and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Choices

  1. Sadah says:

    Very well written.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. bone&silver says:

    My first ever boyfriend found me via the internet after 20 years; we met up in England a couple of years later, and some of the old feelings came back, except we were both older, fatter, committed to mortgages and jobs and children etc. It was a quick weird flit down Memory Lane, but in the end only served to highlight how much time had passed, and how different we were now. We’re still friends on Facebook, but I didn’t make the effort to go see him the last couple of times I was there… Enjoy your own adventure Janie!

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you. That’s how I feel this would unfold if it were to even unfold. I just wanted to put it out there as I know there are friends like you who may understand and have experienced something similar (which you did and thanks for sharing with me). xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Beware of rebound love, I jumped too quickly and lived to regret it. Remembering the good times can sometimes cause a fantasy! Take it steady Janie 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Elaine! My plan is to take it easy and steady. Not jumping to conclusions for exactly that reason – memories are fickle. But it sure was nice to have a little reconnection. The easy part is that we are far apart in many ways so it’s not like it would be easy to reconnect in person which makes it easier. I’m sorry you had the rebound love experience, but I am, as always, very grateful to you for your kindness in sharing your experiences so mine is easier…xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Create Space says:

    What a lovely post Janie, a touch romantic, enjoy and believe in your capable self!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kim Smyth says:

    I hope it works out well for you two! I can see where the temptation would be too much to ignore. Just tread carefully!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s