When you get down to the heart of the matter, there are a bunch of reasons why a spouse leaves or a relationship breaks up and obviously there are too many to list here. Because in each individual relationship, the bottom line is not why, but the fact that the person left and you can remain dangling in victim-hood until you choose to heal and see the light in the kernel of truth.
I spent years in that mentality of I wasn’t enough, what could I have done differently, when did it go wrong and why, why, why??? My brain churned with scenarios of what if I had done/said this or that, reliving the past and feeling like it was my entire fault that he left the marriage and he never looked back. (which by the way, it takes two to tango and perhaps even two to separate). My heart ached and shattered into pieces. His dismissal stung me to my core and I lived with that barb in my heart, my self-worth and continued to sting myself over and over in penance for not being enough for him even after twenty plus years of marriage. I slogged through the days trying my best to be a good mom and to play fairly in the divorce proceedings. I tried to forgive him and to move on and to let go, but something inside of me continued to punish me for not being enough.
And yet, through this healing journey, I am progressing and I want you to progress too. I can only guess that what he denied himself by leaving was the love we had which he couldn’t receive. Please permit me to state what I’ve found that wasn’t obvious to me at the time.
When we push others away who are kind and good and loving to us, it’s not them we are pushing away. It’s the love for ourselves that we are unable to receive from ourselves, nor from anyone else. Rejection from a spouse is not the rejection of you – it’s the rejection of love, self or otherwise.
It’s like the silence afterwards when he doesn’t communicate. I took it to be my fault. I don’t anymore. Now I see he’s got issues and he’s put up barbed wire to fence himself in so that he doesn’t hurt me more than he already has. Perhaps in his own way, he’s protecting me from him and even himself from himself. Fold up into a ball and don’t let in the light and you stay stagnant, immobile and a prisoner in your own thinking.
Don’t let that happen to you!
Reach out, connect with others and you’re set free. I no longer take his rejection as a rejection of me. He chose what felt right to him and therefore I am set free from him, from the marriage and from the hurt. I have had so many tearful experiences, too numerous to count, but one thing is clear to me now. I had to experience all of that heartache so that I could walk this path and heal myself and be authentically me. It was a gift that he set me free and one that I will be ever grateful for in my life. Instead of feeling downtrodden as I did for the longest time, I am rising up to embrace life’s changes and the freedom to be me. I don’t need his approval anymore. I only need to know in my heart that I am a good person who wants the best for everyone in my life.
I am willing to help all those who need a friend. If you’re going through similar circumstances in your life, stop by and let’s chat. Let’s find the good in the situation now as it presently is. It’s there you know. Sometimes it’s just hidden in plain view because we can’t see beyond the pain. Come on, sit awhile with me. I’ll bring out refreshing drinks, some delicious chocolate and we’ll sit in the sunshine on my porch swing and just talk.
You’ve got a friend. You are not alone.