I will admit, I agonized over everything when my Ex left. I tangled myself in thoughts and bereavement of the sudden leaving of my then husband of more than 20 years. I swung emotionally to extremes – anger and hurt to victim and mourning the loss of my husband to wanting to hurt him as he’d hurt me emotionally to hating myself to blaming myself and to blaming him, to giving up on myself, on everyone and everything else around me. Believe me, I was a sheer mess and I was caught up, wound so tightly around my story that I couldn’t see beyond my own self. I was fighting in quicksand for survival and holding onto the past with a death grip for fear of the future.
I understand if that’s where you are right now. The swirling emotions that keep you up at night crying with insomnia. The constant replaying of scenarios, wondering what x meant when he said this or did that. When our eyes open and the blinders come off, questions arise and the toxic what if’s can integrate themselves into every waking moment. It’s a roller coaster ride that we stay on until we decide enough is enough and accept where we are here and now.
But that takes courage to hop off that emotional roller coaster and declare the acceptance of divorce when it wasn’t our decision. There’s such a punch to our self-worth and ego when we’re the one he left, especially if it’s after many years of marriage. It’s feeling sucker punched when he moves on and finds someone else to replace us. We beat ourselves up over the betrayal and over the knowledge that we’ve been kicked to the curb like someone who’s worthless. My unsolicited advice to you? Throw your pity party and then talk to someone trusted who can help get you back on track and move on.
It’s not easy to comeback from heartache. I remember when I was lamenting the demise of my marriage to trusted friends. I was repetitiously recounting the same stories over and over and not getting out of my own way to heal. I was stuck in a hole that I was digging even deeper with every retelling. And I couldn’t stop myself until one day a friend told me that it was time to let go. I think she’d had enough of me and my story and loved me enough to say, it’s over. Let’s move on.
I fought the moving on like a hell cat for awhile longer. I couldn’t help myself. Of course, now I see how I did it my way, but I would have healed a hell of a lot quicker had I released myself earlier and not continued in the agony of my own making. Trusted friends tried to advise me. Women who had divorced gave me their scenarios and in hindsight, they tried to save me from my own self, but I didn’t listen. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to, so I understand if you’re reading this and thinking that I don’t get it.
But, I do get it. I dismissed everyone’s advice to let go and release the 20+ years of marriage and move on. I knew it was over, but I just couldn’t see where I’d go from here. I was stagnated with fear of what now? If I’m not his wife, who am I? How will I do this all by myself?
But guess what? Like it will for you, it works out in the end. Yes, life changes for us as divorced women. Yes, sometimes it’s not really for the better until we get used to the new normal. But hell yes! There’s a new world out there to explore when we release the past and embrace the present and find a smile for the future of possibilities that’s just waiting for us to see it!
It’s up to you when you let go. I can advise you to do it earlier rather than later. I can tell you that you don’t have to be perfectly ready to let go before you release your story. When you jump, the net appears like magic. Of course, there may entail some free-falling as you transition to your new reality. But there can be excitement there if you choose to be excited instead of terrified. Possibilities can only come to fruition when you release.
So what do you think of letting go? Do we have to pry your hands away from your story or can you do it on your own? I’m here if you need a friend.