It’s like I have handcuffs on even though I’m divorced. We were supposed to co-parent, but that never happened. It is fine because I was the parent throughout our marriage anyway. But these days, there’s a lot going on with the kids and they could really use a father figure. However, he’s nowhere to be found.
A few times, the old me felt that draw to call him, to reach out and say, “Hey, I know the kid has talked to you about x as well and I just wanted to talk with you too about the situation.” I wanted to bond over the struggles our kid was having and to have us both on the same page in helping them.
But I can’t because he’s non-communicative and he’s got a mean edge to him. There’s that piece of me though, that misses the old husband before he changed into the non-existent stranger. I haven’t seen that man I married decades ago in a long time now though, so I think he’s now obliterated by the new persona. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish things could have been different – that we could have co-parented in a nice way.
I tried to meet him more than halfway on numerous occasions. But I was met with silence, so I stopped. However, when my kids are hurting, I want to reach into his hardened shell of a heart and revive the loving person he once was. Please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t want him back. Too much time and stuff has passed. I would never go backwards in my relationship with him and honestly I’ve only held this tiny piece of hope to help my kids. Because there’s still a strand of connection that they have with him. And unfortunately. my financial situation depends on him still and theirs does too.
But that bond, that connection is long gone for me. I am finally able to say I am HAPPY that I am without him in my life. I mean no disrespect, but he wasn’t engaged in our lives anymore and it’s hard to live with someone who isn’t there, even though, physically, he was there in the home.
I guess there will always be a piece of me that is sad for how things turned out. Sad for him, for the kids and for me. But I’ve moved on and I have released him and embraced the freedom I now enjoy.
And so the kids and I bond on our own and I continue to comfort and to support them through their struggles. I am home to them fortunately and there’s nothing else I’d rather be than their dependable, loving, caring Mom.
So if you’re in this situation, take heart. Look at the big picture and leave the petty behind. You are parent enough to be mom and dad to your kids if that’s where your loving heart invests. Life is about allowing ourselves and others to do as seen fit. I can’t control my ex and he’s not my responsibility any more. So I’ll continue to do my own thing, be myself and love my kids with my whole heart.
Thanks for reading.