Single Parenting

It’s like I have handcuffs on even though I’m divorced.  We were supposed to co-parent, but that never happened.  It is fine because I was the parent throughout our marriage anyway.  But these days, there’s a lot going on with the kids and they could really use a father figure.  However, he’s nowhere to be found.

A few times, the old me felt that draw to call him, to reach out and say, “Hey, I know the kid has talked to you about x as well and I just wanted to talk with you too about the situation.”  I wanted to bond over the struggles our kid was having and to have us both on the same page in helping them.

But I can’t because he’s non-communicative and he’s got a mean edge to him.  There’s that piece of me though, that misses the old husband before he changed into the non-existent stranger.  I haven’t seen that man I married decades ago in a long time now though, so I think he’s now obliterated by the new persona.  But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish things could have been different – that we could have co-parented in a nice way.

I tried to meet him more than halfway on numerous occasions.  But I was met with silence, so I stopped.  However, when my kids are hurting, I want to reach into his hardened shell of a heart and revive the loving person he once was.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I don’t want him back.  Too much time and stuff has passed.  I would never go backwards in my relationship with him and honestly I’ve only held this tiny piece of hope to help my kids.  Because there’s still a strand of connection that they have with him.  And unfortunately. my financial situation depends on him still and theirs does too.

But that bond, that connection is long gone for me.  I am finally able to say I am HAPPY that I am without him in my life.  I mean no disrespect, but he wasn’t engaged in our lives anymore and it’s hard to live with someone who isn’t there, even though, physically, he was there in the home.

I guess there will always be a piece of me that is sad for how things turned out.  Sad for him, for the kids and for me.  But I’ve moved on and I have released him and embraced the freedom I now enjoy.

And so the kids and I bond on our own and I continue to comfort and to support them through their struggles.  I am home to them fortunately and there’s nothing else I’d rather be than their dependable, loving, caring Mom.

So if you’re in this situation, take heart.  Look at the big picture and leave the petty behind.  You are parent enough to be mom and dad to your kids if that’s where your loving heart invests.  Life is about allowing ourselves and others to do as seen fit.  I can’t control my ex and he’s not my responsibility any more.  So I’ll continue to do my own thing, be myself and love my kids with my whole heart.

Thanks for reading.

 

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13 Responses to Single Parenting

  1. Mischenko says:

    I’m sorry he’s absent, Janie! I know regardless of the power you have to be both parents, it isn’t always easy. You’re really strong though and doing well! ❤ Hugs

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  2. bone&silver says:

    My son’s Dad and I are kind of amicable/polite, but certainly not ‘friends’. He IS a great and present parent though, for which I am eternally grateful. So i feel for you xO

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  3. That is the hardest part, I wanted to be friends with my ex too but he completely shut me out, he was hurt not by the thought of me ending it but at what he had lost. Whenever I saw him at family occasions such as the weddings of our daughters or the christening of our grandchildren he found it difficult to look me in the eyes. If I brought up things from the past when the children were young he didn’t want to know. There comes the point when you have to accept that it’s over the only link to him is the kids when he feels like it. It hurts even now but it also shows what a weak human being he is. Onwards and upwards building new blocks 🌹

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Elaine for, as always, your sharing of your wisdom and experience in a way that feels so healing to me and not so alone in this journey. I appreciate your insight and your kindness always. xo I know you are right. It just makes me sad to know that he is unable to connect when the connection is still available. I am at peace which is most important I guess. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Erebi says:

    Wow! I feel for you and I completely understand. My son is only 1 and we haven’t seen his father in over a year. You try to be friendly for the sake of your children but it’s never good enough. It’s the hardest thing but your children will grow to love and admire all that you’ve done for them. Take care
    x

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    • janieleeds says:

      Erebi, I’m sorry you are experiencing something similar. It’s sad, isn’t it? The only thing we can do is be ourselves and to continue to be a good role model for our children. xo

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  5. I can totally relate to this. I get sad by the fact that we haven’t seen my sons father for nearly 2 yrs, especially when he asks. But – we are so much better off and I dread to think the damage that would be taking place if he was here.
    Like you so perfectly said, we are home to them. That’s what matters the most
    Stay strong and keep going. X

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    • janieleeds says:

      May you stay strong and keep going too! I feel for you and for your kids as I do for my own. But being home is the most important job we have and I am grateful that we realize this and do it to the best of our abilities. What their absent parent is missing is huge, but I guess can’t be helped. Sadly, I understand. Thanks for stopping by xo

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