Falling Down and Getting Back Up

Seven days cold turkey – check.  One slip up on the night of Day Seven – yup.  Decided that one slip up doesn’t mean I have to start back at Day One – check.  Monday full of strife from the Ex – four slip ups as I grasp the pack of cigarettes like a life line.  Tuesday begins with two slip ups, leftover BS from email fighting with the Ex and I’m beating myself up over it.  Until, I had an epiphany.

I made it one full week before caving in with one slip up which opened the door for more.  But I did quit for one full week which was great and better than I had done for a long time!  So I can berate myself or I can be happy – the choice is mine and know that I can do this!

It’s just a matter of changing my thinking and getting back on track with my desire to quit smoking for good.  I didn’t start out as a pack a day smoker.  It began gradually as a crutch to deal with the Ex leaving after more than two decades of marriage.  So I have to be more aware of this process.

While using the excuse of stress from the Ex is real, I won’t allow it to define me.  When I look closer at the situation and how I am dealing with it, I realize that the smoking is a mythical crutch for me.  My belief that I need one in order to deal with the toxic crap that blows my way is ridiculous.  I know that in my logical brain, but it’s in the practice of not reaching for a cigarette, that I fall down and back into that mythical belief.

I mean seriously?  Do I really think that poisoning myself helps to deal with an angry, narcissistic, self-absorbed Ex spouse who blames me for his own problems?  WTH?  I think it’s me being delusional like him!

Have you ever thought this way?  Do you make illogical excuses for lighting up?  I think it’s part of the bullshit we’ve fallen victim to in our heads.  The glamour of smoking combined with the belief that it soothes us is mistaken.  It doesn’t really soothe us.  It poisons us, increases our heartbeat, raises our anxiety (even though we think it doesn’t) but the health facts don’t lie.  We simply lie to ourselves.  It’s a vicious cycle that I want to remove myself from sooner rather than later.  Before my health really suffers from the ill effects of my bad habit.

How about you?  Are you an ex-smoker?  Or are you trying to quit like me?  Do you want to do this together?  Let me know!  Because I’m back on the wagon.

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8 Responses to Falling Down and Getting Back Up

  1. TJ Fox says:

    I’ve never been a smoker, so I can’t say anything in that regard. I have known smokers that have quite and most have all found something to replace the cigarettes with that is a healthier thing to grab when the need comes on. Like most addictions, those things won’t work for everyone, but because it is healthier, it doesn’t hurt to try. For an uncle of mine, it was chewing gum. The act of chewing helped satisfy the need to put something like the cigarette in his mouth, plus he could fiddle with the package in a similar way to take care of the tactile aspect because he intentionally picked a type of gum that, at the time, was similar in size and shape to a pack of cigarettes. Different things work for different people, though. Maybe finding something else to go to when you feel that stress would work for you? Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks TJ! I like your thought. I’m not much of a gum chewer, but I like the idea. 🙂 I’m searching for a healthier habit! LOL

      Liked by 2 people

      • Kim Smyth says:

        I think you should give the vaping a try! I switched from smoking to vaping and then graduated to no nicotine and now I only vape juice! I chew bubble gum too (sugar free of course)!


      • janieleeds says:

        That’s also been suggested to me Kim by others besides you. Thank you. I think I may have to do just that! Again congrats for quitting!! I’m inspired by you! ♥


  2. Sandy says:

    Well I have to admit I am a smoker, started when I was 17 and I’m now 51. I quit cold turkey when I became pregnant with my daughter but went back to smoking a year later. At that time, I used the excuse I was raising my daughter on my own while living in a foreign county and was not able to communicate fluently. So the stress of being a first time mother was double that of a new mother living in her home county. After moving back to the states, I continued because I then had the stress of getting my life in order with no money, no job, etc. That took a while and then I had to sick mother to take care of. So it was basically one stressful situation after another.

    See how easy it is for us smokers to make excuses? And that’s all they are are excuses. The truth is, I doubt I will ever quit. My biggest fear is that I will get terminally ill if I ever quit. i don’t smoke much now that I have become older. Its basically only the nicotine I’m addicted to and I only smoke a few a day. In the end, a person has to really want to quit in order to quit and I’m not quit there yet.


    • janieleeds says:

      I completely understand. That’s a huge amount of stress to have triumphed over Sandy! Good for you! Congrats!!
      Gosh, I never think about getting terminally ill if I ever quit. I wonder how that belief got in your head? Did you know someone that it happened to that way? I’m just wondering.
      When we write down the excuses it would almost be comical except to us, they are believably real.
      I have the nicotine patch ready to start when I can’t do it cold turkey and I’m back to non-smoking again now.
      I am glad you only smoke a few a day. Good for you. But you’re young! 51!! Feel like trying to quit with me? It might be fun? There’s nothing to lose except cigarettes in your life! No pressure. Just a thought. I wish you all the best. 🙂


  3. Sandy says:

    Janie, I don’t believe I know anyone who has stopped smoking only to get terminally ill. Most of the people I ever knew in my life who were smokers, lived very long lives and smoked until the day they died. Perhaps that is why I believe that if I were to quit now, there would be health consequences.

    The nicotine patch will do wonders for the nicotine need. Good luck and keep us posted!


    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Sandy. I meant no disrespect when I asked the question. I hope you know that 🙂 I can’t decide between vaping and nicotine patch. Guess we’ll see as I try them both! So far today, back to cold turkey.

      Liked by 1 person

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