Seven days cold turkey – check. One slip up on the night of Day Seven – yup. Decided that one slip up doesn’t mean I have to start back at Day One – check. Monday full of strife from the Ex – four slip ups as I grasp the pack of cigarettes like a life line. Tuesday begins with two slip ups, leftover BS from email fighting with the Ex and I’m beating myself up over it. Until, I had an epiphany.
I made it one full week before caving in with one slip up which opened the door for more. But I did quit for one full week which was great and better than I had done for a long time! So I can berate myself or I can be happy – the choice is mine and know that I can do this!
It’s just a matter of changing my thinking and getting back on track with my desire to quit smoking for good. I didn’t start out as a pack a day smoker. It began gradually as a crutch to deal with the Ex leaving after more than two decades of marriage. So I have to be more aware of this process.
While using the excuse of stress from the Ex is real, I won’t allow it to define me. When I look closer at the situation and how I am dealing with it, I realize that the smoking is a mythical crutch for me. My belief that I need one in order to deal with the toxic crap that blows my way is ridiculous. I know that in my logical brain, but it’s in the practice of not reaching for a cigarette, that I fall down and back into that mythical belief.
I mean seriously? Do I really think that poisoning myself helps to deal with an angry, narcissistic, self-absorbed Ex spouse who blames me for his own problems? WTH? I think it’s me being delusional like him!
Have you ever thought this way? Do you make illogical excuses for lighting up? I think it’s part of the bullshit we’ve fallen victim to in our heads. The glamour of smoking combined with the belief that it soothes us is mistaken. It doesn’t really soothe us. It poisons us, increases our heartbeat, raises our anxiety (even though we think it doesn’t) but the health facts don’t lie. We simply lie to ourselves. It’s a vicious cycle that I want to remove myself from sooner rather than later. Before my health really suffers from the ill effects of my bad habit.
How about you? Are you an ex-smoker? Or are you trying to quit like me? Do you want to do this together? Let me know! Because I’m back on the wagon.