I Will NOT Give a Damn

I’ve been repeating like a mantra, I will not give a damn, over and over.  It’s not really working, but I am making a little headway.  You see, I just spent a bunch of time answering my Ex via email.  You’d think that I could just pen off something quickly and not care when he’s derogatory or plays the blame game because we’re not married anymore.  You’d think that I would be able to stand in my truth, write whatever the heck I wanted and be done with it.  I mean, he’s already mad for no reason so why would I care if he were madder from whatever I wrote?  He’s going to be mad no matter what and it’s on him.  It’s his freaking ego and narcissistic false self that makes him that way.

But I do.  Gosh darn it, years of being with him haunts me when I dare to write what I want and call it as I see it – in other words, by telling the truth, that he’s conveniently missing and therefore mad at me.  I second guess myself because I know what will make him enraged.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t give a shit if he’s mad because I’ve done nothing wrong and he hates to be faced with the truth because he lives in a fantasy world where nothing is ever his problem or his fault or his responsibility.  It must be a nice place to be, that fantasy land.  But I bet it can be hard when the bubble bursts by a shot of reality.

Oh wait, he morphs reality via lies so he can handle reality.  Silly me.  What was I thinking?  But part of me hates when he’s enraged and comes out swinging verbally.  I’ve been on that end and I still have the emotional scarring.  It makes me wary.

I’ve read enough about narcissists that has helped me a lot.  If it weren’t for my kids, I would have gone no-contact with him long ago because his seething anger is relentless.  It’s better that he doesn’t usually answer anything or reach out to co-parent.  But just when I’m getting comfy, he strikes and emails like he did this week and it throws me for a loop.  His anger is palpable through the email and his nastiness glows.  And I either cower or defend myself too much or get nasty back.  None of the three options work well.  I’ve even tried to be nice in the face of his obnoxious behavior, but that didn’t make any headway either.

What’s that quote?  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t?

So let me ask you then – who gives a damn?  I am determined it will NOT BE ME!

 

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14 Responses to I Will NOT Give a Damn

  1. TJ Fox says:

    Since I don’t know the content of the email, I’m just going to toss out an idea that may or may not apply. Simply tell him that you will not engage in any kind of communication with him if he cannot be civil. If he is going to send a nasty email, even if it is about the kids, you won’t respond. If he wants to talk to you, he needs to do so as an adult speaking respectfully to another adult. If he isn’t capable of that, then maybe find another form of communication, either going through the kids (I know, normally a really crappy idea) or a friend or family member that is willing to be a filter. Doing that tells him that you believe you are worthy of respect and may (big huge MAY) actually pay attention to that.

    Then again, he IS a narcissist and we both know that sometimes it just doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what you say, how you say it or what you do, they are still going to be an ass.

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    • janieleeds says:

      TJ, your last line tells the truth!! It doesn’t really make a difference because he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong in the way he speaks to me. It’s decades old patterning. I appreciate your suggestions though! I may have to have the kids be more in the middle, even though I hate to do that. But thanks! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Seriously strange timing – I just had the same sort of email from my ex husband over one of our kids, absolutely ambushed me as usual. Stay strong and know it is his way of trying to maintain control over you. Love your blogs and great to ‘meet’ another woman who embraces 50 🙂

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  3. Create Space says:

    Stay strong Janie…don’t let him suck you in and be emotionally upset. You are bigger than his tantrum.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you. I ended up with a sinus infection. I guess all that mental congestion was too much for me.. So now I just have to write out what I do want to say to him and then burn it so I can get out the anger and hopefully get over the sinus infection. At least that’s my plan! Thank you dear friend! xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Create Space says:

        Hi Janie, feeling the emotion without having to justify or rationalise it and writing letters we don’t intend to send are two great tips mentioned in Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More? Highly recommendeded read! Feel better soon. X

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      • janieleeds says:

        I read that book years ago when I was in college believe it or not. I found it again last year and reread it. But thanks for the reminder – I may have to pull it out again! xo

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Why not ignore now him! That would really get him mad 😡😉

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  5. MoJo says:

    As your friend, I instantly go into “Let’s rumble with the S.O.B.!” mode in my mind when I read this, and if I thought that it would work, we would have already donned our leather jackets and greased back hair long ago in preparation for the battle. But there’s the other part of me. The bigger part of me. The part that hurts to read your post because I can feel your heart aching to be going through these emotions once more. The part of me that wants so much to give you a ginormous hug and offer you a shoulder to cry on when you need it most. It isn’t fair. You didn’t choose this. You aren’t forcing him to continue to make bad choices as you get to play the part of emotional clean up crew for the kids with every misstep he takes. I wish that you could throw your emotions to the side and dismiss all effects he could attempt to have in you but you literally spent decades with this person. And what’s even more difficult is that you knew the part of him that didn’t behave like this. It hurts. It’s not fair. And it’s more than alright to allow yourself to be angry, to be heartbroken, and to give a damn.

    But…if you do decide that the “rumble” route is the way you way go, I’m so so there, too. Bring it on Mr. Ex Pain in the Rear Man! I dare you… 😉

    Hugs, love, light, and eternal hope in better days now and always. ❤️ Jo

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