I’ve been repeating like a mantra, I will not give a damn, over and over. It’s not really working, but I am making a little headway. You see, I just spent a bunch of time answering my Ex via email. You’d think that I could just pen off something quickly and not care when he’s derogatory or plays the blame game because we’re not married anymore. You’d think that I would be able to stand in my truth, write whatever the heck I wanted and be done with it. I mean, he’s already mad for no reason so why would I care if he were madder from whatever I wrote? He’s going to be mad no matter what and it’s on him. It’s his freaking ego and narcissistic false self that makes him that way.
But I do. Gosh darn it, years of being with him haunts me when I dare to write what I want and call it as I see it – in other words, by telling the truth, that he’s conveniently missing and therefore mad at me. I second guess myself because I know what will make him enraged. There’s a part of me that doesn’t give a shit if he’s mad because I’ve done nothing wrong and he hates to be faced with the truth because he lives in a fantasy world where nothing is ever his problem or his fault or his responsibility. It must be a nice place to be, that fantasy land. But I bet it can be hard when the bubble bursts by a shot of reality.
Oh wait, he morphs reality via lies so he can handle reality. Silly me. What was I thinking? But part of me hates when he’s enraged and comes out swinging verbally. I’ve been on that end and I still have the emotional scarring. It makes me wary.
I’ve read enough about narcissists that has helped me a lot. If it weren’t for my kids, I would have gone no-contact with him long ago because his seething anger is relentless. It’s better that he doesn’t usually answer anything or reach out to co-parent. But just when I’m getting comfy, he strikes and emails like he did this week and it throws me for a loop. His anger is palpable through the email and his nastiness glows. And I either cower or defend myself too much or get nasty back. None of the three options work well. I’ve even tried to be nice in the face of his obnoxious behavior, but that didn’t make any headway either.
What’s that quote? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t?
So let me ask you then – who gives a damn? I am determined it will NOT BE ME!