When You Can’t Go No Contact With A Narcissist

Let’s face it.  If you’ve read any of those great blogs which write about breaking up with a narcissist, you know that it’s always suggested that you go no contact for your own healing and well being.  Because once the narcissist is mad, there’s no going back to a good place with him/her.   At least, not for any length of time.

But if you’re trying to co-parent with an ex who happens to have narcissist tendencies, or rather, is a narcissist, it’s hard to ride that roller coaster ride safely.  Buckle up baby because it’s a bumpy ride and you have to hold on tightly to your heart.

If you’re like me, even though you broke up, there’s that tiny piece of good memory in there about the time you spent together.  And because in the past you always gave him the benefit of the doubt, you want to continue because you can’t believe he can be so disconnected.  Or because you are afraid of making him mad and having him get even – because his get even is not just getting even, it’s burying you and decimating your soul.  So how the heck do you survive co-parenting without losing your mind?

I’m looking for suggestions if you’ve experienced similar issues.

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25 Responses to When You Can’t Go No Contact With A Narcissist

  1. Hahaha Janie, there we go again… I am hearing you loud and clear. For my narcissist ex it’s all about the small gains. The pissing me off by refusing to commit to picking up or dropping our son back at a time that suits me; it’s always no, and it’s always because he has ‘a right to a life’…. I hear that phrase so often I can recite it in my sleep. It can even be half an hour, but the fact that he can say ‘no’ and I can do nothing about it = he’s ‘won’ the point. And as you say, it’s always tempting to think that someday the penny will drop with him and he’ll be more reasonable, because once upon a time that’s how I saw him… but it never will, will it?

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    • janieleeds says:

      I think about it this way. Exes know what buttons to push that make us ornery. Take away the reaction to being pushed and you regain your power. I know how frustrating it is. Believe me. But when you can let go, he loses. Get it? Yes, we have rights to our lives too. That’s the important piece for us as well. But if you can get into a place of peace and say, it’s just the way it is and this is his trying to be obnoxious to me because he thinks I care about his life, he’s wrong. The joke is on him. I care more about my kid than the ex’s right to having a life. Our kids are only with us a short time. Peace in your heart or constantly feeling angry – your choice. It’s not fair. I totally get it and dealt with similar situation myself. But I chose ME over his being petty. I chose my kids over my life for awhile. It gets better, slowly, but better over time. Again, I still want to see my Ex as the man I once knew, and I acknowledge that it was so hard to see him as he presently is. But I think time heals us all and we can find a way to have peace in our hearts and heal as we move forward into this uncharted territory. When your Ex realizes that his power pushing power has diminished, he will tire of the game eventually and you will have what you want. By the way, in the divorce, do you have certain times established? Because we do and that helped me a lot. Just a thought if you’re still in the process. I am, as always, sending you a big hug. You aren’t alone dear friend. We’re here. We’re all been in similar situations and we support each other. That’s the best part.

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  2. Create Space says:

    Janie I hope you get lots of supportive tips but remember you have the final say in how his words or behaviour makes you feel!

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  3. Our children are young adults so the issues are different but kind of the same…
    Life is expensive so they live with me (and it’s lovely), I moved closer to university so they would have less travel time and be closer to their friends. My ex said he would not look for a rental that could accommodate them if they needed it, umm, okay (but weird).
    Now he is continually phoning them and wanting to go out with them, interrupting lectures etc, it is annoying them and he has no insight. When he visits them at my place, he walks into my house like he lives here, these days the front door is always locked. He is a nice-ish guy, but aaagh.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Oh yuck! I would HATE the walking into my house like he lives there! Oh my gosh, that would make me insane!! Mine only came here once unannounced with our kid to get something (I know he was curious to see where I live with the kids). Good for you for locking the door. I would do that too! I’m glad he’s a nice-ish guy for you. Mine doesn’t communicate unless it’s with blame for something erratic that I have nothing to do with at all. He occasionally reaches out to the kids but when they answer, he’s silent. It’s always so weird. Thanks for stopping by and sharing. I hope things are good for you.

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  4. TJ Fox says:

    I can only speak from my own experience and, while it is similar, it isn’t the same so it may not fit. I got to the point where I just treated parenting as though I was the only parent involved. Yes, he got visitation and paid support (sometimes), but I dealt with those situations like I would a visit to a friend or a relative. Partly because he could never be relied upon to show up or send the money, so I planned on it just not happening. If it did, great! Bonus. If not, I just went about things like always. The biggest difference is that he was only around until OC was about 9. Even then, the last few years he was around it was hugely sporadic, so I didn’t ever deal with him when OC was really old enough for his father to cause him direct problems like an older child or a teenager would experience. Basically, I never did the co-parent thing. I made all the decisions, made all the appointments, went to all the school and social functions, paid all the bills and basically lived as though he didn’t exist. He also really didn’t want to be a parent or do parent-type things, so that made things easier for me. I think letting go of expectations may be the key. Don’t have them for you, don’t have them for the kids and help the kids to do the same.

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    • janieleeds says:

      TJ thank you! That works perfectly in my head and aligns with what I’ve been trying to do for awhile. I’ll just keep going and doing my parenting the way I want/am supposed to and bonus if he’s involved. But honestly, I know I can do it on my own too quite easily! You’re awesome. Thank you TJ! xo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh man, I hope you get supportive tips! I’m in a similar boat and wish I didn’t have to deal with him! His needs and life always trump ours. Wish I could be more helpful. I find as little contact as possible is the best idea. I, too, often live as though he does not exist.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Stop by and see if anyone gave us any tips from the trenches. I wish you the best in your life and just know that you aren’t alone since many of us are dealing with this situation as well.

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  6. Perhaps the way forward is not to react 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Elaine, thank you! That’s sage advice which I am working very hard on doing! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Trust me if you act indifferent it will drive him mad 😡 🙂🙃🙂 on a serious note we are so similar in that we like to see the good in everyone, it took me a long time to stop living in a fantasy world believing that my ex was a good man. He is the most selfish egotistical two faced prat I’ve ever known. Phew 😅 that was good!

        It’s hard to face the fact that not everyone is a nice person inside and out.

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      • janieleeds says:

        I’m with you on that one because I always like to see the good in others. I’m an ever hopeful girl, but this dunked me into the icy waters of reality that sometimes people change and not for the better. I love that word prat! LOL Good girl! Get it off your chest! 🙂 I am so grateful we are friends xo

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m grateful too , what’s happening with that handyman you told us about! 😉

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      • janieleeds says:

        Oh, the handyman. Yes, that’s not even gone a smidgen forward. He told me he would help me with something and then never helped. So I feel like he’s not as reliable as I believed. Perhaps he’s just too busy with his work even after our lovely conversation. Which is fine in the end because it just reminded me that there are nice men out there so it’s a step in the right direction, but he’s not the one for me. Thanks for remembering Elaine! I think he was just a stepping stone into the right direction. 🙂 It’s all good. Glad I wasn’t gaga over him.

        Liked by 1 person

      • My psychic side tells me you haven’t heard the last of him 😉

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      • janieleeds says:

        Hmmm…ok, then! 🙂 I will let you know if he reappears! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Create Space says:

        Janie I came across this after searching for an explanation for the term ‘hoovering’…it’s another term called Grey Rock…hope it helps http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/
        Also I highly recommend an excellent blog Makeitultra by Dr.Perry, frequently posts about narcissists and narcissistic behaviour. Looks like you have opened up a great discussion and are benefitting from lots of shared experiences. Thinking of you! X

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      • janieleeds says:

        Thanks Marie! I actually follow that blog as well but I always love to meet and share more people’s experiences with relationships. You are so sweet! I hope you have a lovely day! xo

        Liked by 1 person

      • janieleeds says:

        That article was AWESOME! Grey rock. I love it. That’s what I do and I didn’t even know it! You make me smile Marie. Thanks for the help! xo

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      • Create Space says:

        So glad to hear that it hit the nail on the head Janie…keep smiling and being your resilient self! Xx

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      • janieleeds says:

        Thank you! You too Marie! xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  7. LA says:

    I wish I had something of value to say to you! You will get through it. Life is just weird sometimes

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