I want to be greedy. I want it all and yet, I cannot, for I know me, and that is not my way. While I yearn to leave it all behind and go to him, I stand by my responsibilities and my kids for whom I have the deepest love there is. And he understands and respects and supports and even encourages me to stay with my kids.
You are Mom first, always, he tells me as if I needed a reminder (and maybe at times I did) for the vastness of what we experienced together after so many years apart, left me balancing my desires as opposed to my responsibilities. Not that I would have allowed myself to be swept away for longer from my kids, but yes, the thought came unbidden and I brushed it away knowing I could not live with myself if I weren’t home to my kids.
And so I couldn’t stay with him.
For a bit longer, my heart would plead, let us stay in his world, in his embrace with his eternal love, but the me, the one who needs to put her head on the pillow at night with a peaceful heart, denied the wanting heart, body and soul who reveled in his presence.
A path not taken, so many years ago, now understood by us both and we balance peace with my decision from that time in our lives. I often wondered how he felt about my choice. He gave it to me freely, but I wondered if he blamed me for not turning back. My heart is ever grateful that the knowing heart of his knew more than mine at the time. No blame was ever thrown for he understood the dilemma and he knew himself better then (and even better now), than I did myself.
And so, here I sit alone again, but with lifetime memories, healed and delicately placed with reverence in my soul.