Pacing Myself

Oh my soul love, I want to reach out to you, but lately you aren’t texting.  It’s not that you’re ghosting me after all this time.  We had our time together, reunited after decades and I left as I had to do, after rejoining you in your world  for a little while.

I have that little stubborn me though that still resides inside that says, you haven’t texted in awhile and I’m not going to be the first.  Oh that stubborn part who wants to protect my already besotted heart.

But really, this relationship is not meant to be more than it is, so I have to stop thinking like this.  I have to stop checking my phone to see if he’s written or thought about me at all.  Just because we spent time together which we both felt was glorious, this is reality and it is that we live separately.

Never to have more than a little time combined and I have to find peace with that reality.  Maybe some day, but not in the near future…

But I’m having a hard time.  I let two days go by with silence.  Like a chess game, I didn’t want to be the first to move my queen.  I wanted to see what his next move was.  And, so far,  it’s silence.

So my mind says:

He’s busy.  He’s working.  He knows that you’re back in your own element and reality and now he is too.  So why continue to remind yourself that there is more to the relationship when you can’t share it because reality is, there’s too much distance between you.  There just isn’t now.

Find the peace girlie.  Stop the ruminating and the wondering.  Hell, if you want to know, then ask.  Stop expecting that maybe he’ll reach out, or maybe he’s at that same bar that we went to together the other day, or whatever your mind is saying.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

It’s over I tell myself.  Enjoy the gift he gave you, the return of that soul fragment that he helped you to find again.  Hold tenderly the memories, but stop expecting anything more.  It is what it is and you can’t change the reality.  And neither can he.

Let’s be realistic.  He’s hurting too, but he’s more reality based.  He knows neither of us can change our lives so drastically.  It just isn’t feasible so find your peace.  Janie, find your peace.

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9 Responses to Pacing Myself

  1. I feel your pain and your love. Wow. That must have been an amazing trip…

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  2. Try to occupy yourself with other things lovely lady and remember you are worth lots and lots of love and attention which you will get from the right man for you. 🌹

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  3. Janie I feel your pain, is that the right word? I know my soul love is slightly different to yours as he and I haven’t yet met, but we will in 6 weeks and counting down! I find myself getting very anxious if I don’t hear from him. Like you I don’t want to make the first move, or come across as needy. I know my thinking is irrational. I also know that our connection is there even when we are not communicating and I know how busy he is too and that he feels the intensity as much as I do and I don’t want to cause him pain. Then I get a good night message, like I did a few minutes ago, saying “I miss you” and the world is back on its axis. This is intense and painful but I will never regret it because of the joy it gives us even though we are far apart. If this visit is the only time we get to be together, it will have to be enough. Hugs to you. ❤

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    • janieleeds says:

      Hugs to you too Dotty! I hope your encounter with your soul love is even better than you can ever imagine! I am anxious for you and I can’t wait to hear all about it! I’m thinking of you! ♥

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  4. I still check his Tumblr account…have to stop!

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