The Blame Game

In a divorce, the Blame Game comes into play.  I think we are all guilty to some extent of blaming the other person for whatever instead of looking at the whole picture.  It’s human nature to not see our part in any relationship or break up.

But with narcissists, it’s a whole different ballgame.  While I hadn’t seen my former husband as a narcissist when I married him decades ago, it became more apparent in hindsight as the years rolled on and I learned more about the disorder.  Then it was clear to me and quite frightening after awhile.  I guess I just wasn’t able to handle the truth of the situation I was in because I really did think I loved him.  And I guess that’s part of being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse.

Part of being a narcissist is that nothing is ever his fault.  He is not guilty of anything and he plays the Blame Game all the time.  It is always, always someone else’s fault and usually, he thinks it’s mine.  Because it can’t be his, because in his head, nothing is ever his fault.  It’s always someone else’s fault.

As a healing divorced woman, I have let go of that and I try really hard to go on my merry way when he tries to throw me under the bus and make whatever is going wrong in his life my fault.  Because he chose to leave, we’ve been divorced for over a year and his life has nothing to do with mine.  I dislike that he’s poisoned his family with lies about me, but my kids and friends know the truth so even though it aggravates me, I choose not to deal with his insanity.  Otherwise, I’d be inconsolable and I’ve been there before and I’m not going back to that misery again in my life.

However, the kids are now getting blamed for things that are honestly their dad’s fault.  They’re getting a taste of that side of him that I hadn’t talked about because it was between us.  It’s staggering how much they are being hurt by his hurling accusations that have no truth to them.  I feel badly that they are suffering for it, but I also think it’s a good learning experience for them.  My former in-laws also play the Blame Game and it’s ratcheting up these days to extraordinary levels.  It’s chaotic here with all the stress of emotions that swirl about because of it.  It’s like riding on cobblestone streets in a car.  Bumpy for sure.  But I’m working really hard to stay centered so that the ground under them (and me) is stable and secure.

When you are dealing with a narcissist, have you been part of the Blame Game too?  What did you do about it?

 

 

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10 Responses to The Blame Game

  1. TJ Fox says:

    There is this line that *most* divorced parents attempt not to cross. It is the line that separates bad mouthing the other parent and remaining silent with regards to their faults. I had a horrible time with finding my balance on that line because I NEVER wanted to come across as pushing my opinions and my feelings about my ex onto my kid. The problem with that is that OC developed a false sense of who is father was as a person. I still don’t know how much of that is my fault for attempting to shield him and how much was just OC’s own narcissistic tendencies creating his perfect world. I don’t think I really did him any favors. It is possible, not easy, not by a long shot, but possible to be honest about the ex’s personality without it being too heavily colored by your own opinion.

    I have come to believe that it is way too important to our kids to show them the reality of who their parents are, good, bad or ugly. A recent conversation I had with MC about this exact thing has kind of confirmed my feelings on it. He sees us as real, failable humans that are far from perfect. It has helped him to see that we genuinely do make decisions for his best interests because we care about him and want the best for him, even if he doesn’t like those decisions. He understands that we are just trying to do our best. It was a very interesting conversation because he had some pretty great insights from his perspective as to how we’ve handled being honest with him. And I’ve got to say, I’ve been probably a little too bluntly honest with both him and BG at times and I’ve worried it has been too much, but neither one shies away at those conversations and often they are the ones to start them. Granted, they are Hubby’s and mine, so they doesn’t have to deal with divorced parents so it is a little different.

    As far as dealing with the blame game, I really wasn’t with my ex long enough to really deal with that or recognize it at the time and he was more than content to wash his hands of me and OC as soon as he could. I HAVE dealt with it from OC. All we could do was to call him on his BS when he tried to pull it (teacher lost the homework/didn’t grade it/failed to teach the material that was tested on/the computers were having problems and it effected his work). It is a bit different when it is your kid vs. an ex that isn’t in your life except with their role in the kids lives. The best you can do is help the kids through it and teach them to own their own part, but no more than that. It isn’t their responsibility to carry someone else’s load for them.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you TJ. I am showing them how to shoulder their responsibilities but not be responsible for his, but it’s alarming when it’s a parent who’s mistakenly blaming you. I try to shield as well as listen, as well as explain circumstances beyond my control so that we can all remain understanding of the three ring circus and not let it eat up our peace within nor break us apart either individually or as a family. Thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I always hope that you, with what you’ve experienced, will write when I ask for help and advice. You are wise and I am appreciative. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        It IS hard and we aren’t perfect, which makes it even harder. All we can ever do is our best. That has been my goal. If I can look back on things and see that I did my best, as I could at the time, even if hindsight shows me other ways that may have been better, then I didn’t do so bad.

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  2. BeowulfSabrina says:

    I finally lost my temper, a long time coming. He is stalling the signing of the agreement, which means the next step is the trial that I thought we both wanted to avoid. I have had so much self control and I knew I should get off the phone but things came out of my mouth that I had been holding on to. He is so disordered and narcissistic and messed up I knew it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, in fact he predictably turned it all into making himself a victim again, because for whatever reason he refuses to accept responsibility for the cheating and abandonment. My attny said it was not a bad thing that I shook him up a little with a little tough talk, that I’ve been too nice for too long, but I still feel bad that I lost control. And I do blame him but it was all his choice as he has free will. He is not capable of insight into taking responsibility for his actions. (Thanks for letting me vent!)

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  3. Create Space says:

    I’m afraid I’m not experienced Janie to be able to offer any suggestions but this I follow this blog, which is excellent “Leadership Freak.” While he deals with management & leadership of a commercial kind it often has application to daily life and parenting and this little gem helped me with a different but upsetting matter last week…

    “If you’re constantly frustrated with others, you live in a small world that’s filled with expectations for others and excuses for yourself.

    Expand your world by obsessing over behaviors you should adopt, not complaining about the deficiencies of others.”

    This is the title of the post…”The Choice That Makes You A Leader”. I’m afraid I don’t know how to navigate away from your post to access and embed the link to that post. Thinking of you at this frustrating time and knowing you have the ability to rise above it!

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