A good friend of mine and I were talking today about how I have anxiety over seeing my former husband and his family soon at one of the kid’s end of the school year functions. I haven’t seen him in almost a year and his refusal to communicate on issues has been an ongoing plague to me which I’ve written about here on the blog. In addition, I will be alone, while he will have his family around him which makes it awkward for me. I mean, our kids will be there, but I don’t want them to feel funny between us.
Being in close quarters with him and his family and having to communicate with some semblance of cordiality is problematic since I know his anger is seething as he blames me for many of the problems in his life that honestly have nothing to do with me. But typical of a narcissistic personality, it can’t be his fault, so why not blame the ex-wife? But knowing him the way I do (or did), he will most likely be cold and mean towards me as he can be when he’s angry.
I thought I had gotten to the point where I allowed whatever his thoughts about me to be his own. I thought I had healed from the narcissistic abuse to be at peace. But I realized today, I’m not fully healed. Because, even though I am grateful for the divorce, there’s still that piece of me that wants things to be nice between us. I admit, I still want us to all get along. I want to us to have both moved on in peace.
So why am I wanting something that he doesn’t care to give? And why the hell do I care???
Because I do care. I am authentically me and I care. I don’t like confrontation and I don’t like the scenario of my former husband and his family and I being at odds while being together for the kid’s sake. And I dislike that my brother and my family won’t be there with me so that I could feel a little more support. I don’t like facing them alone. There. I wrote it.
But I am alone and I have to remember that I have the strength and the authenticity to just be me. My story is that he will probably act ugly towards me and that may be the reality. And if it is, then so be it. And if it’s not, then I will be happily surprised. But to manifest his ugly behavior by dwelling on it with fear, is only making me more anxious. So with a deep breath, I’m letting go and surrendering. I have no control over him nor his family. I have to stay centered in the knowledge that I am there for my kid and they are too. Together we are there to support our kid in whatever way possible. I will stay in peace with dignified kindness centered around me as a white light of protection.
Thanks for letting me vent here and for reading my post. I think I had to write it out in order to process the situation before I see them. Much has gone on since we last saw each other and there’s still that little part of me who remembers the good in him. I think that’s one of the hardest parts of divorce.