It’s rainy out today. My house is a mess. I have loads of laundry to do. Why can’t these kids do their own laundry or at least not wait until Sunday to hand me a two ton pile of dirty clothes? Why aren’t I happy that we have a full home instead of feeling ashamed and guilt-ridden that I wasn’t on top of everything?
I have no energy today. I just wish someone could come into my house and clean it up for me, straighten it all up and then I could go on to straighten up my life. I’ve never been someone who had everything perfect. I grew up in a house where perfection was expected, married a man whose mother held us all to an impossible perfection level, and so I guess I’m rebelling. But it doesn’t feel good because I feel ashamed that I need to dust, to vacuum and to then put away the mountains of laundry that I have to wash.
I’m delaying the inevitable by writing. I’m moody today. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s that I want someone to rescue me and there’s nobody to do that but me. Have you ever felt this way?
I’m not suicidal, but in the last few days with Kate Spade’s and Anthony Bourdain’s suicides, I feel like there’s something in the air. I read some astrological articles that said that this is a time of sadness. Who knew? I mean, I’ve felt those feelings before, suicide and depression, but I’ve done a lot of healing since then, but I can feel that heaviness lately.
It’s hard being a divorced, just over 50 years old, single mom who’s worried about money, the kids and the bills all the time. It’s awful dealing with the former husband and his family when they’re being disrespectful over and over again, but you’re financially tied to them so you have to play nice for the kids sake and for your own financial well being. And then there’s the upcoming school festivities that I will see them at soon and I’m dreading it. I haven’t seen my former husband in a year. He doesn’t communicate. Doens’t co-parent. Doesn’t pay what he owes me for the kids. I’m alone and he has a girlfriend. Will I ever find love again? Why haven’t I found someone special? I could go on and on, but if you’re in a similar position, you probably have all the same stuff keeping you up at night. It’s a wonder we get up in the morning, but we do.
What keeps me from suicide? It’s that my kids need me. I’m home for them. They are too precious to hurt like that and so I keep going. My will to be their mom is stronger than my allowing myself to be defeated. I’m all my kids have and so I keep moving forward in life.
I often wonder what happened to those who chose to end their lives. I’ve had family members who chose to do that and it left us all with pain that never quite goes away. We carry that guilt long after the devastating grief subsides. It remains, like a pebble in a shoe. I always think that my life would be better if I won the lottery. I could be free, once and for all from the financial ties that bind me to being nice to people who don’t deserve it. But then I look at Kate who had so much money and still, it didn’t save her from her choice.
Life isn’t always easy. When we’re at the bottom, we need to get help, accept help and heal. Please, please please, if you are feeling suicidal or depressed, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.