Do You Feel That Heaviness In The Air?

It’s rainy out today.  My house is a mess.  I have loads of laundry to do.  Why can’t these kids do their own laundry or at least not wait until Sunday to hand me a two ton pile of dirty clothes?  Why aren’t I happy that we have a full home instead of feeling ashamed and guilt-ridden that I wasn’t on top of everything?

I have no energy today.  I just wish someone could come into my house and clean it up for me, straighten it all up and then I could go on to straighten up my life.  I’ve never been someone who had everything perfect.  I grew up in a house where perfection was expected, married a man whose mother held us all to an impossible perfection level, and so I guess I’m rebelling.  But it doesn’t feel good because I feel ashamed that I need to dust, to vacuum and to then put away the mountains of laundry that I have to wash.

I’m delaying the inevitable by writing.  I’m moody today.  Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s that I want someone to rescue me and there’s nobody to do that but me.  Have you ever felt this way?

I’m not suicidal, but in the last few days with Kate Spade’s and Anthony Bourdain’s suicides, I feel like there’s something in the air.  I read some astrological articles that said that this is a time of sadness.  Who knew?  I mean, I’ve felt those feelings before, suicide and depression,  but I’ve done a lot of healing since then, but I can feel that heaviness lately.

It’s hard being a divorced, just over 50 years old, single mom who’s worried about money, the kids and the bills all the time.  It’s awful dealing with the former husband and his family when they’re being disrespectful over and over again, but you’re financially tied to them so you have to play nice for the kids sake and for your own financial well being.  And then there’s the upcoming school festivities that I will see them at soon and I’m dreading it.  I haven’t seen my former husband in a year.  He doesn’t communicate.  Doens’t co-parent.  Doesn’t pay what he owes me for the kids.  I’m alone and he has a girlfriend.  Will I ever find love again?  Why  haven’t I found someone special?  I could go on and on, but if you’re in a similar position, you probably have all the same stuff keeping you up at night.  It’s a wonder we get up in the morning, but we do.

What keeps me from suicide?  It’s that my kids need me.  I’m home for them.  They are too precious to hurt like that and so I keep going.  My will to be their mom is stronger than my allowing myself to be defeated.  I’m all my kids have and so I keep moving forward in life.

I often wonder what happened to those who chose to end their lives.  I’ve had family members who chose to do that and it left us all with pain that never quite goes away.  We carry that guilt long after the devastating grief subsides.  It remains, like a pebble in a shoe.  I always think that my life would be better if I won the lottery.  I could be free, once and for all from the financial ties that bind me to being nice to people who don’t deserve it.  But then I look at Kate who had so much money and still, it didn’t save her from her choice.

Life isn’t always easy.  When we’re at the bottom, we need to get help, accept help and heal.  Please, please please, if you are feeling suicidal or depressed, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

 

This entry was posted in divorce, finding happiness at 50 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Do You Feel That Heaviness In The Air?

  1. Janie, I have had thoughts of suicide too and it was when I started thinking that my children would be better off without me, that I sought help and luckily I am in a much much better place now. My ex, like yours, has a girlfriend and I am still alone. I think the weight of responsibility we feel may be holding us back, we are still doing what we feel we have to do for others and not fully considering our needs as that would be selfish right? I want to feel loved and cherished, just a little or if I’m honest a lot! I have the man I believe is my soul mate, but he’s not here to hold my hand. It’s sad and it’s hard, but we are strong Janie and we are lucky. My house like yours is messy, but we have children, we have food, we have homes, and we have our health. We might not have every thing we would like, but I know I have enough for today. Tomorrow who knows what may happen!
    Take good care of you.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Dotty. I think when we share what we are experiencing with others who get it, we feel like we are understood. I wrote in part to all the rest of us who are in similar positions because it is hard to navigate these single mom waters and all those ups and downs that come with it. I feel very blessed for all that I have including the kids, a roof and food and enough money to budget to make it all work. My needs are simple. As for the relationship part, I pray that it will come at some oint when the time is right. Until then, I’m ok to wait. Again, I was generally speaking to all of us who probably at one time or another (as you shared) have thought about it. Thanks for being here with me. Take good care of you too and if you ever need a friend, please know I am here. I understand too. xx

      Like

  2. TJ Fox says:

    Something you MUST remember in all of this… YOU ARE WORTHY. You are worthy of basic, human respect from others, ex-in-laws, your kids, everyone. You are worthy of self care, even if that self care means forcing the kids to do some of their own self care like doing their own laundry. It is absolutely okay for you to have those heavy days and need to step away for a bit, as long as you remember that you are still worthy. That needing those days does not make you unworthy.

    You are not required to be nice for the sake of finances. If the ex isn’t doing his part, take him to court. With a narcissist, nothing else will force him to change. NOTHING. It is his legal responsibility to help care for his children financially. You do not have to pretend to be nice to keep the peace. Keeping the peace isn’t wholly your responsibility. If the ex and the in-laws want to be jerks, that is on them. You do not have to swallow that just because they serve it up. You deserve more than that. And honestly, I believe your kids will understand, maybe even look at you a little differently if you stand up for yourself and them by pushing back and not being so nice all the time. I’m not saying be an intentional jerk or go out of your way to be mean, but you don’t have to be accommodating and nice and all smiles.

    Your kids are old enough to start being responsible for certain aspects of their own lives. Now, this is just my advice because it has worked for me (mostly). My kids do their own laundry and have since I realized I was doing an entire load of one kids laundry at a time. It didn’t add to the water use or the cost to make them do their own, but it took one more thing off my plate that I was responsible for and put it on them. They wanted clean clothes? Well, they better do their laundry or they got to wear dirty, stinky clothes. Setting this as one of their things to be responsible for is great because it has a direct impact on them if they don’t do it. This absolutely doesn’t work for all kids. OC just refused to do his completely. But the other two took on that responsibility and even grew a small level of appreciation for all that I’d been doing for years for them without complaint. Now, every time I hear them complain about it, I get to sit back and say “Now you know how I feel.” They have other household responsibilities as well so that they understand that every single person in the house has to contribute to the running of the house. The others aren’t quite as easy to enforce, but they still do a pretty good job of doing them without having to be nagged too much.

    I guess my point is recognizing what you are truly responsible for and letting the rest go and knowing that it is okay to let the rest go to be able to do what is right for you.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I wish I could reach out and hug you TJ! Thank you again for your sage advice and understanding. You hit the nail on the head about everything and I am working on being worthy of being respectfully treated or letting go of those types of people. And yes, I’m actually getting ready to take him to court again. I was just hoping I would have a big enough case so that perhaps the judge would make him pay the court fees (because that’s what happened to a friend in a similar position).
      I’m really ok. It’s just with the suicides lately that I thought perhaps there were other people who might be feeling low lately and that we would bond over the perils of divorce and single parenting so that nobody would get left behind or feel like they were so alone in their situation because many of our situations are so similar.
      As for chores, I do make them do some and I have been telling them that they had to do their own laundry. One kid is really good about it but the other, not so much. So I’m getting stricter because they need a good foundation and learning experience since I want to make them good husband material and not feel like it’s only the woman’s responsibility to keep the house neat and clean.
      Thank you again dear TJ! It’s the letting go part that is so hard for me. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        Letting go is one of those things that is super hard at first, but once you really start and begin to see how amazing it feels, the easier it becomes.

        Like

      • janieleeds says:

        It’s been the hardest part for me as I have written here about it numerous times. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m getting closer all the time. ♥

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Agree with TJ Fox, you are worthy. Also, they can share the chores too! Instruct politely what needs to be done and walk away. Sometimes everybody’s life looks amazing but that is rarely the case. As a friend said to me ‘Everyone has their crap.’ We never really know what goes on in people’s lives. Stick some music on or a podcast, set your watch for an hour and do as much as you can then relax for a while. Love the honesty of your posts. Cheers Ax

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Ax. I just feel like we all have similar issues and experiences. I have been doing just that – listening to music while I clean and fold laundry. And the kids have been doing some work as well. 🙂 Music soothes my soul in such incredulous ways. Thanks for stopping by xo

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I wonder what it is about this time of year? We are approaching the shortest day here in the Southern hemisphere and I HATE winter. I HATE the dark, the cold, the wind and the rain (when it interferes with my washing and cycling).
    I have just wasted an entire Sunday doing nothing and feeling worse about it, although admittedly I did accomplish a bit on Saturday. To make myself feel better, I vacuumed my tiny house before I went to bed last night and it did lift my mood knowing I wasn’t getting up to see crap all over the carpet.
    I upped my meds a few days ago and it has made a difference, feeling a little less hopeless now, I managed to cycle to work this morning after a week commuting by bus because of the weather.
    I’m disappointed in myself as I was doing well weaning myself off the anti-anxiety medication, but it was what was needed and I am glad I didn’t sink too far down the hole of darkness.
    I’ll probably be fine, you will too. It’s just that sometimes, the burden of all this responsibility is a bit much when it’s not shared (although nothing much has really changed for me in that department after Little Johnny Head In Air and I went our separate ways).
    Stay strong and keep writing x

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you for sharing here. Changes is season can be difficult as well as going into winter. I am happy that you are taking care of yourself and staying on your meds so that you can continue to feel better. Good for you! Stay strong and know you aren’t alone xo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You said it best it’s heaviness. At Times no matter how much of a stride forward you made, your mind just becomes the biggest enemy. And hurts you’d been working on just sting a little more these day’s. And a sea of what if’s or maybes. I have been feeling similar to you but as I wrote this, let me instead use the words that came to me now. In the waters of doubt and storms of what if’s and winds of hurt, Jesus was walking in the waters calm as ever, and told his diciple to come. He did but the reality of all the fears distracted the man and began to sink still Jesus pulled him out. It’s not easy and what I took from it was were human and the distraction will cause us to fall and that’s ok I think Jesus knew it what makes us vulnerable and human. But as we drown that hand is there to pull us out. And some might not agree and say it’s too much and I agree with that too at times not even the good book is comfort. But I feel and picture that in those moments even when I’m angry this man is there looking sad concern and caring for me even in silence just a face that shares how I feel.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      What a beautiful reminder! Thank you for sharing. I agree with you that Jesus or someone else is always there to reach out and help us, and in seeing a face that shares how we feel can work miracles. It’s not always easy to navigate life changes and even everyday troubles. It’s hard to ask for help and to summon the strength, but we need to do that for ourselves. Thanks for taking the time to write. May the heaviness lift your burdens and set you free to joy! xo

      Like

  6. i thought about suicide before we split up! Honestly believe that you will happiness like you have never had before. Whip the older kids in to shape to do there own laundry it will prepare them for later life. Your husband will be amazed how good you look after a year without him. Youre just having a off day or two, trust me things will get better xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s