Letting Go of Fixing It All

I admit.  I’m done.  The towel’s not thrown totally in, but I’m tired and fed up.  Single mom to two kids with a narcissistic former husband who manipulates and walks away from what he’s required to do by law is getting on my last nerve.  And I’ve been stressed for far too long about the whole situation.

So you know what I’ve done?

Stopped.  I stopped fixing his mess ups.  I have told the kids that I no longer clean up the messes that he leaves in his wake.  I am not responsible for his bad choices because I’ve been divorced now for over a year.  I have been burned by helping him.  I’ve been disrespected by his non-communication.  I am in debt because he refuses to pay what he owes me for the kids.  And he has shown zero gratitude for my saving his ass and his credit rating multiple times.

I have taken the high road at every turn.  But I have washed my hands of anything that has to do with him, even when it comes to the kids.  I will help the kids, but if it has anything to do with their dad, I have told them that I will advise, but I will not lift a finger to help.  I know it puts them in a hard position, but it’s not my problem.  It’s his and unfortunately, in turn, sometimes theirs.

They’re not little and it’s time for them to realize who he is.  They’re getting burned by him lately and it’s sad to witness.  But I believe they need to see him for who he is without me trying to protect them at every turn.

Former husbands with NPD with whom you still have to communicate isn’t an easy road.  I have the utmost sympathy for us all.  Maybe you’ve been in a similar spot?

 

 

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17 Responses to Letting Go of Fixing It All

  1. BeowulfSabrina says:

    The most difficult lesson of all-letting go of trying to fix them in any way. I struggle with it almost daily. But I too have stepped away from sheltering my son from the reality of a bad man. Maybe if I hadn’t done it so diligently for 25+ years, I wouldn’t be where I am now, but who knows? The latest was an attempt to blame my son because he doesn’t want to see him, talk to him, have anything at all to do with him in any way. He has the audacity to become angry at my son, as if to cause him to feel guilty or ashamed-as if the REASONS why don’t matter at all. The consequences of his choices and decisions make him lash out instead of looking inward and becoming self aware. I’m tired. I’ve had enough. He is the perpetrator, not the victim and he can’t shift blame anywhere anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A R says:

    I can relate to “cleaning up my husband’s mess ups” for years…. I feel like I always have had a broom behind him. Sweeping up one mistake after another. I am always making sure that his mistakes and responsibilities are taken care of. He will own up to NOTHING. I have NEVER endured so much chaos in my life since I have married him.
    It seems to me that you are handling this situation correctly. I would do the same thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Ann. Yes, I have been behind him, making right his messes and making sure that the little white lies (he seems to think that’s what they are) are not outed to his family. But no more. Lies are lies and I am not staying silent anymore when he messes up. Even if they don’t believe me b/c there are some big narcs there too. I used to stay silent all the time while he talked a big game. It’s so sad when we realize all this.

      Liked by 2 people

      • A R says:

        Good for you!! Yes it is extremely sad.. I feel for you and your children. But, at least you are making things right.
        I wonder who he’s going to get to clean up his mess ups now? Maybe he will realize that it is ALL ON HIM!

        Like

      • janieleeds says:

        He won’t realize it’s all on him. He will blame you for not doing your job to take care of him as his wife. It will never be his mess. It will be your lack in not cleaning up his mess. That blogger HG Tudor makes complete sense out of the nonsensical because we don’t think like narcs.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. bone&silver says:

    Good realisation Janie. Stuff him. Put your energy elsewhere, in a way that nurtures YOU. As mothers, of course we want to protect our children no matter what, but sometimes we’re actually doing them a disservice by not letting them feel the reality that really IS REAL. I’m sorry they’re going to get hurt by him, but they will be OK. Take care of YOU, that’s the best thing you can do for them. Hugs, G

    Liked by 1 person

  4. TJ Fox says:

    Take a deep breath and… feel. That little nub in there? It is relief, isn’t it? No longer trying to own someone else’s BS is such a massive relief. It is this kind of weightless, passive, quiet joy once you let all that go. It is kind of like that feeling you have after having a massive cold for weeks, not realizing the whole time that you haven’t been taking in full breaths until you finally get that one, massive, deep breath and everything suddenly feels open and free again.

    I understand how hard it is to make that decision to let it go, especially with the kids, but it is worth it. YOU are worth it. Be proud of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you TJ for your support! And yes, it was like I could breathe after the initial shock of letting go and for a moment, feeling a little guilty. But it was the right choice for us all. I knew you’d understand. Thank you dear friend. Truly…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s funny, most people who I consider acquaintances think I was the one who pulled the plug, that’s because I was the Fixer. I have made a relatively smooth (but nonetheless emotional) transition to being a single parent, so people think I planned it all! Nothing could be further from the truth, but Fixers get on with their lives and are used to cleaning up the messes left by others. If I had been cared for and about for thirty years, I may not have been as resilient. I know I was loved, but not in a way that was meaningful for me (and I know he feels the same). It is so nice not to worry about him and just be me.
    I have just bought a house!!! Stress, but getting on with my life 🙂

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I find people assume what they want. Only you and your former hubby know the truth. I am really proud of you for buying yourself a house! CONGRATS!!! Baby steps become bigger steps and it all gets easier! Yay YOU! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Good for you Janie, finally you’re letting go completely. 😉

    Like

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