I was raised by narcissistic parents in addition to a narc brother. Trained by the narcs, I am a people pleaser, a fixer and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love deeply. I am an empath. I don’t like conflict and strive for peace daily so I was perfectly suited for them. But after learning about narcissism, I have separated myself from them all with only light contact out of necessity. It’s lonely here, so I blog.
Growing up, I always thought I was adopted or at least I was a twin separated by birth and placed in the wrong home. Maybe the twin piece is my groomed narc bait self vs. my authentic self, (the one who knew that this wasn’t healthy).
For years, I’ve struggled with the ups and downs, the all-encompassing love and quick turn to meanness that comes at me from all sides with the narcissists in my life. Looking back, I can see how my former husband felt so comfortable to me and his family as well because they mirrored my own. And so, like a tennis ball I was volleyed back and forth between them all, unknowingly being served up as narcissistic supply to each of them.
It was a really a sad day when I finally realized the truth. I struggled for so long to be perfect and to have them all love me. When they each turn-coated on me, in various degrees, all at different times, I suffered and one of the others would ease my pain until the next one needed a bigger fix and off I went, over the net to supply someone else. And all the while, I felt like I was barely floating on stormy seas.
It’s a big tumultuous realization to have without help. Healing takes on more importance along with keeping myself and my kids safe from the wolves. I’m over the grieving of it (well, I still do occasionally). I’m still healing and learning about myself. I’m still letting go of the need for unconditional love from them ( because that’s an impossibility), but that has been getting steadily easier. The caring about their lies and gossip has become less important to me as I work on staying centered and authentically me. Again, it’s a slow process at age 50+, but I’m not giving up on me, nor am I backing down.
I still love them somewhere in my heart and I forgive as well. But I won’t put up with any more manipulation and there’s been backlash from that which hurt a lot. But I’m worth being authentically me, in a healthy relationship with myself and maybe someday with someone special. In the meantime, everyday, I get a little stronger. And you can too!
I don’t want to be narc bait for the next relationship. So I’ve stayed single while I heal. I feel like we attract them in droves when we stay stagnant so with eyes wide open, I am working on loving me. and staying on the lookout for the narcs in sheep’s clothing.