Kids Need Therapy Too

I have had enough with my kids and their anger towards my former husband, their father.  While neither will confront him with the laundry list of complaints they have about him, I am getting the brunt of their frustration and anger.  And I’m done with it.  Thank goodness they were away for almost a day with him so that I could breathe and channel inner peace before the barrage begins again when they return tonight.

I’ve suggested therapy to both of them before, but now I think I’m going to demand that they go.  Their venting is making me crazy because I am tired of staying quiet.  I think a group session is in order and I know just the therapist to book.

Often, I don’t say what I really want to about their dad because I’m trying to be respectful and allow them to have their own relationship with him without my interference.  By the way, their relationship is crumbling on its own, no thanks to me because he’s doing it all on his own.  But still.  I’ve had enough of feeling like a punching bag to their anger about him.  It was the last straw yesterday when I found out he did some sneaky financial stuff that one of the kids told me offhandedly (not realizing what it really meant).

I can’t take it.  I’m livid.  And I don’t want to alienate my kids who are suffering because they need to vent and I need information.  I’m just happy that they left the house for a day so that I could kick back and just rest in peace without the stinky anger.

I want to tell them what I think of him without restraint.  I would love to blurt out all the bullshit that I’ve been dealing with quietly over the years.  I would love to open their eyes to what he’s doing to them with his narcissism and how they aren’t crazy, it’s just his manipulation (and he’s a professional).  But I can’t because they’re hurting.  But maybe a therapist can help them to see what I am not comfortable revealing because I fear they will repeat it to him in a fit of anger that Mom said blah blah blah and he’ll lose his mind and make things even harder than they already are.  I mean, if you know a narcissist, you know they don’t handle failure or blame well.  They strike out with vengeance.  And he’s shown plenty of that over the years in not so subtle ways.  And that’s the last thing I need is for him to feel vindicated in hurting me and the kids.

Back to the drawing board…Thanks for reading.

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16 Responses to Kids Need Therapy Too

  1. My kids were older when we split up and I did not bad mouth their dad. Then time and time he would let them down or hurt them putting his new family in front of them. Finally I said he will never change you can either allow yourselves to get hurt over and over again or accept him as he is.

    They both now say that they love him but can see him as he really is. He used to try to manipulate our older daughter playing on her soft nature so I told her he will carry on doing it if you allow him to, thankfully she doesn’t allow it.

    So my advice would be is tell them that you understand how they feel but that is how he is. That’s not bad mouthing it’s just being honest. 🌹

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    • janieleeds says:

      Elaine that’s exactly what I have told them! I said I understand how they feel but that he’s their dad and this is him. You can accept or not his behavior but it probably won’t change. I don’t want to bad mouth him because that’s not who I am. Thanks Elaine!! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Your welcome now try not to let what he does bother you, I know it’s hard but you have no voice anymore concerning him. I deleted my ex number so I would not be tempted to scream down the phone 😉

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      • janieleeds says:

        LOL! You are so right! Thank you Elaine! 🙂 I can’t delete him (even though I wish I could) because we are supposedly co-parenting which is absurd because we don’t at all. You can’t co-parent with a pet rock. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. LA says:

    I think therapy would be a very wise choice. They need a neutral sounding board

    Liked by 1 person

  3. SDC says:

    Its difficult because it would be so beneficial to explain some of these symptoms to them so they dont either blame themselves or fester in the anger for years BUT you’re right, you can’t because they may repeat it’s come from you. Even though they are actual facts he would not take it graciously ☹ I think youre on the right path helping them see someone. If for no other reason than for them to learn now that it is *not* them.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Sam. I agree. Better for the explanation to come from a professional rather than mom because I don’t want them to ever think I am bashing their dad simply by explaining why he chooses to act in a certain way. But yes, they need to know that they are not to blame for his anger or behavior and to let go of the anger they feel as well. It’s all a process….unfolding as it should.

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  4. TJ Fox says:

    I think the therapist option is great, for all of you. I’ve said it before, I’m all about honesty with my kids, even some of the harsh, ugly honesty. That is a hard road to travel when dealing with the narcissist, though, so I understand your caution.

    One thing you can absolutely make clear to them without talking bad about their dad is to straight up tell them you don’t have a great opinion of him, that it is your opinion and you are entitled to it, but they don’t have to agree with it and that is okay, too. What they can’t do is use you as a punching bag when he has done something to upset and hurt them. You are there to listen and support them, but you cannot be the target for their anger. Point out, as many times as possible/necessary, that you aren’t the one that did/said something to make them angry so you shouldn’t be the one that gets the target. It is okay to be angry. They have every right to their emotions. Just not to take them out on you, or anyone else for that matter. Their father has faults and is flawed just like every other human on this planet, just like them. It is up to them how they choose to deal with those things.

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    • janieleeds says:

      You are always so wise TJ! Thank you for your reminders and your support. I am going to use your words because they’re perfect! Kindly explaining is the best way!

      Liked by 1 person

      • TJ Fox says:

        You can balance honesty with care. It is sometimes incredibly difficult to keep the hurt and anger feelings out of it, but they are a part of you and showing that side of you to your kids is important. It may even help them to realize that the ex’s BS isn’t about them or you, but about the ex.

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      • janieleeds says:

        Thank you TJ! You are right and in small increments I will let them see me. I appreciate your help!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I understand how you feel. Divorce and coping with a child’s hurt and frustration is such a difficult task. I like the idea of counseling…hope it gets better soon.

    Like

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