I Needed A Hug

It’s been a long week and I’m tired.  I couldn’t even manage to make dinner last night so we got take out.  While we sat there eating pizza, I tried to rally my gratitude that the kids and I are still together, still talking and we are finding our way through this messy time.  When they went to the gym afterwards, I took a much needed single mom break and cried.

I just needed to release all the grief and turmoil that’s been building.  For those of you who think that if you start crying that you’ll never stop, well let me tell you that you do stop and it feels really good to release those tears.

It doesn’t happen often, but yesterday, I just needed to curl up in someone’s arms and feel protected for a few minutes.  I am pretty self-sufficient, but yesterday, on top of this past week, have been hard.  And there’s nobody to turn to who could just hold me and allow me a few minutes of peace to stop being the matriarch.

I’m really affectionate so hugs are as necessary as breathing for me.  The kids are affectionate too which helps me get my minimum hug quota, but I needed that type of hug that envelopes you fully and protects you thoroughly even just for a few minutes.  I’m not greedy.  I just needed a few minutes of caring.  And sure, the kids hug me, but it’s also me hugging them because I’m Mom.  I wanted to hold onto someone and feel their protective arms around me and just let it all sag, let go of the control, the necessary mom-self and just be.

But it was nowhere to be found.  That’s the problem with being the strong one all the time.  And it’s what I miss about being married, even though at the end that part was absent since we were miles away from each other because he had disconnected.

I confess that in frustration, I laid on my lonely bed, beat the pillows with my fists and then screamed into the pillow until I was exhausted so that the neighbors wouldn’t be worried.  I ended up with those hiccups from crying uncontrollably for awhile afterwards.  I felt better because I released all that tension and grief.  You gotta let go, you know.  You can’t hold it in until you break because then we’re no good to anyone.

I’m a little better today.  And it’s Friday so that’s good.  Nothing has changed though so that’s not good, but at least I’m feeling a little stronger.  Sometimes I think we have to break down so we can rebuild.  At least that’s what’s working so far for me.

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18 Responses to I Needed A Hug

  1. Dwight says:

    Indeed. So glad you’re not trying to hold it all in. It sucks. It sucks real bad. Keep finding ways to let it out. All I can say even though it’s cheesy is keep the faith. Keep moving forward. Sending light, love, and hugs!


    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Dwight. Light, love and hugs greatly appreciated and reciprocated. I am keeping the faith. That’s what got me up this morning so I don’t think it’s cheesy. 🙂


  2. Jo Price says:

    My heart hugs yours. I wish I could take all this pain away. We are endlessly healing and strengthening from the barrage of hurts that are hurtled our way, and we do grow and become better because of those moments. Neverthless the pain still remains in the corners of our hearts. I’m thankful that you are brave enough to own those moments of deep hurt and acknowledge them openly. I truly wish that you pain was not so severe but it’s your journey. This is no accident. You are fiercely strong and carry this weight because you are a survivor and always will be. Your being a warrior and a fighter for love and kindness and healing helps more people than you could ever fathom, and you had to experience those times and continue to live to prove that we all can thrive despite the hardships we face. You are so brave and beautiful my darling friend. I am tremendously thankful for you and I am in awe of your strength and ferocity. You are incredible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      If your words and sentiment were able to physically be a hug, then I consider myself most definitely hugged by you dear Jo. Thank you, from my heart. I needed that…and you’ve delivered my hug that was so desperately needed. Love you dear friend xo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Kiersten says:

    *hugs * to you. I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough week. I hope things start to look up soon. ❤


    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you Kiersten. I think it just comes with the territory in everyone’s life at some point. I hope you have a great time on your upcoming trip!! 🙂 Hugs back to you too…thank you…♥

      Liked by 1 person

  4. LA says:

    Sending you hugs and love and thoughts!!❤️❤️


  5. We all know that feeling. I think of the statue of Atlas holding the world on his back. That’s single parenting life. :/ Sending a hug from Miami. 🤗


  6. L. Rorschach says:

    This is what I miss the most, too – the “make it all better” protective hugs from another adult. And I’ve definitely been there with the sobbing, punching pillows, and attempting to muffle my wails. Thinking of you! xx


  7. Beautifully honest and real. I always ask myself, what do I have to feel if I don’t get the hug…. usually fear stuffed long ago. I connect with and feel the terror then breathe it down my body and into the earth. Then I ask for an image of safety and feel into and relax into the safety- whatever that may be – that way I’m attending to myself in the most loving way. A self-hug….. More importantly I’m not stuck in the suffering of what I can’t get. 😍


    • janieleeds says:

      Karen, thank you! I do something similar and I love that you took the time to share with me what you do! It’s really all about releasing the suffering. I agree. But as a touchy, feel-ey girl, sometimes I just need that physical contact of a real hug. Know what I mean? ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t have words really, I just understand and hits home.


  9. TJ Fox says:

    It’s late and only virtual, but… *hugs*


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