It’s been a long week and I’m tired. I couldn’t even manage to make dinner last night so we got take out. While we sat there eating pizza, I tried to rally my gratitude that the kids and I are still together, still talking and we are finding our way through this messy time. When they went to the gym afterwards, I took a much needed single mom break and cried.
I just needed to release all the grief and turmoil that’s been building. For those of you who think that if you start crying that you’ll never stop, well let me tell you that you do stop and it feels really good to release those tears.
It doesn’t happen often, but yesterday, I just needed to curl up in someone’s arms and feel protected for a few minutes. I am pretty self-sufficient, but yesterday, on top of this past week, have been hard. And there’s nobody to turn to who could just hold me and allow me a few minutes of peace to stop being the matriarch.
I’m really affectionate so hugs are as necessary as breathing for me. The kids are affectionate too which helps me get my minimum hug quota, but I needed that type of hug that envelopes you fully and protects you thoroughly even just for a few minutes. I’m not greedy. I just needed a few minutes of caring. And sure, the kids hug me, but it’s also me hugging them because I’m Mom. I wanted to hold onto someone and feel their protective arms around me and just let it all sag, let go of the control, the necessary mom-self and just be.
But it was nowhere to be found. That’s the problem with being the strong one all the time. And it’s what I miss about being married, even though at the end that part was absent since we were miles away from each other because he had disconnected.
I confess that in frustration, I laid on my lonely bed, beat the pillows with my fists and then screamed into the pillow until I was exhausted so that the neighbors wouldn’t be worried. I ended up with those hiccups from crying uncontrollably for awhile afterwards. I felt better because I released all that tension and grief. You gotta let go, you know. You can’t hold it in until you break because then we’re no good to anyone.
I’m a little better today. And it’s Friday so that’s good. Nothing has changed though so that’s not good, but at least I’m feeling a little stronger. Sometimes I think we have to break down so we can rebuild. At least that’s what’s working so far for me.