When You Realize He’s A Narcissist

If you’ve just realized that there’s a narcissist in your life, you might feel nauseous like I did.  Your mind may be going in all directions and those pesky a-ha’s are probably stabbing you with horrifying accuracy because you’re remembering so much all at once.  The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place at a sickening pace.  You remember things that happened which you had forgotten.  Incidents that you brushed off and excused because you were in love.  You’ve been researching stealthily so as not to alert anyone to what you’re thinking.  It’s all so muddled in your head.  You just want to wake up from this nightmare.  Because it can’t be true that you are married to a narcissist!  Or that your loved one fits the description of one!  How could you have been so blinded?  What are you going to do now?

You want to beat yourself up for being so naive and trusting.  How could it be that you didn’t see the signs that were Right.There.In.Front.Of.You?  How will you face everyone else once they know?  Did they know?  Wasn’t that what your best friend mentioned a few years back and you stopped talking to her because when you mentioned it to him, he said that she was jealous of your great relationship with him?  And come to think of it, didn’t he casually add that she had tried to hit on him more than once?  When you confronted her, she denied it.  So you stopped being friends even though she was your best pal.  You chose him over her.

That queasy feeling is coming again full force.  All those baffling changes in personality.  The silences that felt deadly.  The times that you walked on eggshells because you didn’t want him to be mad.  And then he’d turn around and be so loving again.  He couldn’t have faked so much love, could he?

Oh and there are the lies.  The exaggerations that you learned to disregard because you told yourself, he’s just embellishing the story to make it more interesting.  And that cute wink that he gave you sometimes.  It felt like he was saying, you know the truth, but I’m just making the story better for your friends and look!  They’re thinking I’m an even more amazing boyfriend/husband.  And you felt so lucky to be with him.  But as the lies continued to grow more fantastic and friends began to question the narc which would make him mad which started another fight.  Or they’d question you privately and you were at a loss for words because how could you say you knew your man was lying to your friends?  Those were hard times so you stopped going out with friends as much.  It wasn’t worth the questioning afterwards, nor the humiliation.

PING!  Another memory alert – He could never be wrong.  Oh.My.Gosh!  Think back and you realize he never could be criticized or wrong.  Never!  Even when you tried to gently explain that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong, that withering look he gave you stopped you dead in your tracks, mid-sentence, silenced and he smiled.  You learned your lesson.  Back down to keep peace.  He doesn’t like to be reminded when he’s wrong.  And you excused it because nobody likes to hear that stuff anyway.

Does this feel like you?  I know it was how I felt when I first started to put a name to the illness my former husband has.  Baffled, sickened, upset and finally relieved.  Relieved to realize that it wasn’t me.  Relieved that I wasn’t going crazy.  Relieved to finally know that nothing I could do would change him.

Yes, relieved that it wasn’t me.  It was his illness.  For awhile I felt compassion that he was dealing with narcissism.  I wanted to help him to heal and to see the amazing man that I saw him to be with all the phenomenal potential I felt was inside of him.  If he would have only let me in to help him.  I believed in our love.

I understand how you feel.  I’ve been there.  There’s healing ahead for you.  Processing the past and putting to rest all the illogical chaos that you’ve lived through with him.  Peace is ready to greet you.  So am I.

You don’t have to walk this path alone.  Recovery is here for you.

 

 

 

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16 Responses to When You Realize He’s A Narcissist

  1. Sandy says:

    Very nicely put. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  2. A R says:

    I unfortunately had the wonderful opportunity to feel all of those things that you have mentioned. It really does make a person a lot stronger when they are dealing with a person who exhibits this type of personality!

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  3. Thanks for this…I am leaving after almost 28 years married. Packing up all the memories is gut wrenching. I feel so much for my adult kids. My oldest who lives in a different state struggles with needing to understand why. Why did I decide to leave? I told him I will have a sit down with him and try to explain. My Ex is angry I filed for divorce last Aug. it should be finalized soon. His rage and hatred of me is devastating. Who is this man I believed had so much integrity? He is making the kids feel guilty and telling them he is struggling. He is playing the victim role with tears too. It breaks my heart to see them go through this. And? He is covertly bashing me to them. How could I do this to him? And them? Ugh. It is a sick cycle. I have no idea who this man is. That beats me up daily. How could I dismiss the red flags so easily!

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    • janieleeds says:

      Marleen, I found myself in a similar position once, but my former husband left me. If you can understand that you are finally taking control over your life and stay strongly centered no matter what baloney flies your way, then you will heal quicker. Even adult children feel like little kids when there’s a divorce. Once it is finalized, I would answer their questions but without bashing him (even if he deserves it). I found for myself that the higher road although harder was better in the end. Because once the kids realize who he is with clear eyes, they will understand. In the meantime, stay focused on getting the best divorce deal for yourself so that you can survive. Do not engage in slander. Do not defend yourself more than once to your stbx (soon-to-be-ex) and know, in your heart, repeat it to yourself, that none of this was about you. It’s about his illness. I wish you all the best. Stay connected here. We are all friendly and understanding. We share similar stories.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It took me years to realise that it wasn’t me that was off my head. They know just how to play someone. 🎻

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  5. My eyes too were just opened up. My husband has been working 80 hours a week. Each day he comes home and rips me apart for something I did to hurt him. Ex we were trying for a baby for almost 2 years, now I’m 17 weeks pregnant and he says it’s my fault we’re falling apart bc I forced him to have timed sex for so long. He says I’m not affectionate enough, he says I don’t do enough for him, that I only love our son (he’s 3) that a really sweet post I made on Facebook hurt him intentionally. I’ve apologized up and down over and over, I do all the house work and now the yard work too, I raise our son and work part time but I do nothing for him. His one job was making dinner for us and he’s not home early enough so I did that too the other day. He’s seeing a therapist and she’s pointing everything out that I already have and I think it’s making him hate me more. I never realized that it could be that he was a narcissist until the other day when I was looking up personality disorders for myself bc I thought I was the wrong one. I thought I was the demon. When it’s just his manipulative skills that have made me think that way. He never apologizes for anything. Ever. And when he “apologizes” he buys me things without saying sorry. He was raised by a father that nothing he ever did was good enough. So many things that I didn’t realize until now.

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    • janieleeds says:

      I’m so sorry. What a difficult position you are in. Thanks for sharing your story. It is hard when we realize that there are narcissistic tendencies in a spouse. I think a therapist for you as well would be a good idea so that you can have support while you’re experiencing so much chaos in your life. I will keep you in my prayers. ♥ You will be strong because you have to be. Remember to take care of you too.

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