Why did you fall for the narcissist?
Because you just wanted to be loved.
How can you make sure
you don’t make that mistake again?
– Janie Leeds
It’s not that we don’t love ourselves that we fall in love with a narcissist. It’s that after being manipulated and groomed, we love them more than ourselves. We forget to love us too and so we lose ourselves in them. We believe that as loving empathic beings we are being the best partner to them. But in fact, we are being the worst to ourselves instead.
That’s where it goes badly. That’s where the pain comes from and the confusion. Instinctively, they groom us, manipulate us to be the best partner for them and willingly, because we love them, we abide by the increasing demands. We excuse bad behavior. We blind ourselves to lies because we feel that we are in love. We are confused and ache for answers only to be punished by the silent treatment which increases our desire for contact which they withhold. Some of us even turn ourselves upside down, inside out in order to please and to regain that loving feeling that we believed we shared with them. Only we come up empty time and again. We question how this loving relationship has turned sour and blame ourselves for the bitter agony that has resulted. We can’t see past the illogical to reason because we are blinded by the need to return to that loving connection we thought we had with them.
We’re isolated, needing answers with no one to turn to in order to heal. It’s a brutal cycle that doesn’t really ever end until the narcissist leaves us or we gain the power to leave the relationship. Either way, it feels lousy and we’re left bereft with a ton of unanswered questions as to what actually went wrong and why?
My hat is off to those who break from the narcissist and aren’t the ones who are dealt the severing blow by the one whom we thought loved us. If you’ve summoned the courage to leave first, I admire you for I was never willing to leave. I had to be left. And it wasn’t until I mourned, grieved and spent way too much time questioning everything that I have finally found peace through research, reading and understanding the illness. I never thought of myself as someone who was in love with a narcissist. I never understood the illness, but I am well-versed at present.
Love yourself dear friends. Love yourself, not selfishly, but love yourself and always keep your equality and power. Otherwise as an empath, you’re simply narc bait again once you decide you’d like to begin dating.
Heal. Release the pain and heartache. Strengthen yourself. You don’t need a partner until you can stand on your own two feet. Watch out for the narcissist’s return. Do not be fooled. If he couldn’t change then, he certainly hasn’t changed now, nor can he. That is simply my humble opinion.