I No Longer Believe You

inolongerbelieveinyou

“I’m not upset that you lied to me,

I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche

Above is a common quote on the internet, but the real quote is:

“Not that you lied to me

but that I no longer believe you has shaken me.”

– Friedrich Nietszche

 

I remember the first time I caught my former husband in a lie.  While he dangled bits of truth in front of me, the lie would have been crystal clear if I’d only had a brain and not a heart which had cracked wide open.  The little white lies had been circling for awhile.  I was barely aware of them, but mostly they were said to other people.  Stretching the truth became like breathing for him and I often thought that it was because he had a lowered self-esteem so that he had to bulk himself up.  Sure, it bothered me because I’m not that needy, but I didn’t stop him.  I called him on it a few times, but never in that exact moment because I knew he’d put me down.  Afterwards when trying to broach the subject, I suggested that he exaggerated.  He laughed, copped to it and said it wasn’t a big deal.  Everyone exaggerates and who would ever know the truth?

Well, that shut me up because I knew the truth.  But wittingly, I stayed silent when the lies repeated themselves in front of other people.  It wouldn’t be right for me to correct him in front of others.  I already knew that and knew how much he hated to be blamed or wrong even in private.  So I sure as heck wasn’t going to start a war in front of people, especially when he was smiling and telling a story.

Ask most ex-spouses for why they’re divorced and lying will be one of the top reasons.  How could it not be because honesty is one of the core connectors in a relationship?  If you can’t trust the one you’re with, then choose to be alone because trust is key to any successful relationship for both parties.

Trust is key for any narcissist/empath pairing too as long as the empath trusts the narcissist.  Once that trust is broken and the empath takes off the rose-colored glasses and sees reality, chaos ensues.  Frankly it’s the nightmare that the narcissist probably hates and loves in equal measure because the manipulation begins even more aggressively in whatever way possible once she’s seen the wizard of lies behind the mask.

As she puts 2 and 2 together, she realizes that he’s been lying to her too.  The fast paced advantage he has used in the past of deflecting the question, delivering the silent treatment, aggressively getting angry to shut her up or using that love bomb technique of cooing to her heart, begins.  And sometimes, each and every one of the above mentioned tactics can and will be used in no particular order only to make you crazy and stop you from talking about the lying.  It’s exhausting.  It’s confusing.  It’s narcissistic supply.

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12 Responses to I No Longer Believe You

  1. Kate Bowie says:

    Sometimes it’s unsettling how familiar someone else’s experience can be. Tangling with super smart liars is an amazing experience, and one I am so happy to be done with, and cognizant of…

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Wahoo to that statement – I’m glad you’re done and cognizant of the lies. I think that’s an important first step towards healing and seeing that person for who they are and not who we thought them to be.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. bone&silver says:

    One of my life’s “mottos” is this: ‘I’d rather be sad with the truth than happy with a lie’, & I stand firmly by that. Trust is everything

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I waited until my children were flying the nest to break up with my husband. Do you ask yourself why you didn’t end things first. 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So, I was lied to once and it ended up with dreadful consequences, but I gave him another chance because I loved him and we are still married. Thirty-three years it’s been, and it never happened again, but it did take a while for him to earn my trust back. I didn’t forgive and forget, I just forgave and moved on.

    Like

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