Why I Didn’t End Things First

A blogger friend asked me this question today and so here I am writing to you.  Why didn’t I end things first?  I have often asked myself this exact question and my answer has never wobbled.

I loved him.  I believed we could make it work together.  I didn’t want my children to come from a broken home.  I am a hopeful romantic.  Part of my inadequacy is that I don’t give up.  Not even when the signs are all there.  I was committed to the marriage and mistakenly thought he was as well.

Do I look back in regret that I didn’t end it?  Surprisingly, no I don’t.  But now I am ever grateful that he did.  In our story, he left, but I found the courage to file for divorce.  And as hard as that was for me, it helped me to regain control in my life.

I mourned being a divorced woman, a failure at my marriage that survived more than two decades.  He left me repeatedly looped in my head forcing me down as a victim.  And sadly, pathetically, I allowed it.  I hadn’t the strength to see the bright side.  I wasn’t able to notice how in the relationship his control held me down until time had passed and I began to heal.  Then I finally realized and began my healing with the evolved thoughts in my head:  there was never anyone to control me, but me and this is my life now without restraints.

I’ve come full circle back to the girl who laughed with abandon and who enjoys life.  While my life financially is much less than it once was, I feel richer for the experience, for the freedom, for the wisdom that has come from the divorce.  It has been hard on all of us here and we still grapple with leftover frustrations, but it only serves to bond us even more deeply.  I choose to find gratitude in all of it.

Because if it weren’t for the marriage and subsequent divorce with him, I wouldn’t have my two amazing kids and they are priceless gems to me.  You just gotta believe that it all works out in the end.

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4 Responses to Why I Didn’t End Things First

  1. Great post Janie, i know exactly how you felt, I lasted 27 years! Then I knew if I didn’t end it I would die because it was making me ill. I longed for him to end it with me first. I too wouldn’t change anything either because I have two beautiful daughters who are beautiful inside and out. 🌹

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      It’s amazing the suffering we do in order to save our kids. But being grateful for them is the best part of the union. That and learning how strong we really are. Thanks for sharing Elaine.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sameera says:

    The abuse lasted for 2 years and yet I know how horrible narcissist people are. Kudos to you for getting out of the toxic relationship.💕 Hugs🤗

    Like

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