Why Smoke?

Well, so far, day 5 is going good.  I’m still too stuffed up with this cold to smoke which helps tremendously.  But I know that I am a work in progress in the whole quitting smoking arena.  I think many smokers would feel similarly (don’t you?) because it’s such a shameful habit and I feel tons of guilt for smoking.  Ok, I know that it’s an unhealthy habit as well and most smokers I know would agree, but there’s something about it that brings us back to lighting up.

Even after reading all the warnings on the packs that we buy, we dismiss them.  Seeing a anti-smoking commercial may make us squirm, but for me, it didn’t have too much of an effect because the smoking urge itself was/is too strong.  And denial works wonders as well – that person in the commercial is old, smoked longer than me, it won’t happen to me, and so on…you get the picture don’t you?

Here’s the thing…I quit for more than 20 years, but picked it up again after my former husband left me.  It was what I turned to psychologically to help me get through the pain.  It was also the f*ck you to the man who hated my smoking (even though he smoked cigars) even after I’d quit.  It was also the way I could relax or deal with the pressures and grief.  Because I’m a lightweight drinker, I was afraid I would say too much to the kids which could hurt them.  Also, you can’t be driving them everywhere when you’re drinking, but you can when you have a cigarette.  Quick shower, change of clothes and nobody’s the wiser.  So you feel like you’re being bad, not being controlled by the former husband and you’re not hurting anyone (but yourself).

And I’m not alone in this situation.  I have found a few other women who have opened up after I shared that I picked up the nasty habit again after he left, saying that they’ve started smoking again too.

What the hell makes us pick up that habit after we’ve been left, even after we’ve quit for decades?  What do you think?

Did you quit for a long period of time only to go back when stressed?  Do you know why?

♥