It’s Not Our Anniversary Anymore

The other day I realized it would have been our wedding anniversary.  Well, I guess I should call it my unniversary since I am divorced over a year now.  I wonder if my former husband even realized the date.  I wonder what he would have thought if he had remembered it.

I no longer mourn the loss of him in my life.  It’s been over four years since that fateful day when he told me I don’t want to do this anymore..  Four years later and my life has changed irrevocably.  In some ways it’s evolved to be even better than I imagined and in others, it’s taken me time to process the acceptance of this new freedom.

But I don’t look back anymore.  I am grateful for what’s happened (because who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you??), but it’s taken me ages to accept it and authentically feel ok with the whole thing that went down between us.

I remember being over the moon in excitement to marry him.  That young girl was so naive as to what was to come years down the road.  And I am happy she was so naive.  Because who the heck would have wanted to know the pain and suffering that was to be the end of your marriage?

I’m grateful I have two kids out of it.  They’re good, kind, loving and we have bonded in ways we probably wouldn’t have had the opportunity to bond if he hadn’t left.

Do you think of your unniversary too?  How do you feel about it?

 

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16 Responses to It’s Not Our Anniversary Anymore

  1. Dwight says:

    I do. I usually feel a bit odd…some sadness for something that is no longer. But to be honest as I age I feel that towards a lot of things in my past. I usually let my heart digest it, try to smile a bit, and like you said be so thankful for what I have NOW.

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  2. I always remember it with fondness——- that a lie but I do remember it 😉

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  3. For the past 5 years or so we never really acknowledged it being married. Now that my divorce will be final soon, my feelings are all over the place. I am actually more concerned about how I will cope when the final day of the divorce is here. 28 years married and 30 together seems like a blur. I feel like I was sleepwalking through most of it.

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    • Ditto, although I wasn’t sleepwalking, I was hanging on grimly trying to hold everything together and provide a stable home for my children. Being married to an unhappy man was tiring.

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      • janieleeds says:

        I agree, it is very tiring. You can’t make someone else happy no matter how hard you try if they don’t want to be happy. That’s the sad part. We are in charge of our own happiness as well. I’m sorry to hear this for you too Jenny. We’re all part of a club we never thought we’d be in.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Oh Marleen, I’m so sorry. Take it easy on yourself as the days get closer to the actual divorce. It is heart-wrenching and one must find peace within to deal with it. Grieve if that’s what you need to do. Perhaps you could acknowledge it with friends so that you aren’t alone on that day. I think that’s important. I’m here if you need a friend.

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  4. I love the “unniversary”, although I wonder if maybe I should celebrate that on the day that my marriage was officially terminated! I haven’t really thought about our former anniversary much until last month, when I hit what would have been our 25th. I’ve been divorced officially for 9 years, been separated and/or struggling for much longer. Somehow made it through 15 years of official marriage. I wasn’t sad last month about the marriage failing. I know I did everything I could to try to make it work. I think I was sad about the fact that I would never be part of one of those couples who hits a golden anniversary- some sort of sadness that I didn’t find that partner who could give that to me.

    However, I have to say that I wonder how much would have been closed off to me if I had stayed married and can’t imagine if my life had continued in the marriage. My perspective now is that it would have been incredibly stifling and limiting. I wonder a lot about the people who do make it to a golden anniversary and wonder how many are proud to have made it that far, but lacking in perspective of how it might have been if they had taken a different route. I feel pretty clear about how it would have been if I had stayed. And I have gained the perspective from the other side, and that makes me happier, wiser and feeling much less that I have wasted all of my life or sleepwalked through too much of it.

    My marriage was a necessary event in the whole process of my life to move along my understanding of the world and myself. I wish I could have been less stubborn so that I might have learned my lessons in an easier way… but the sadness over all of it is definitely gone.

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    • janieleeds says:

      GoodGirlGrownup, thank you for sharing your experience. I feel similarly that I wish I hadn’t had to learn ‘the hard way’ but I am also grateful for the perspective that I have grown because of the divorce so I can look back and say that there was a reason for the marriage, the separation and the divorce. I agree that it was a necessary event to make me grow in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m grateful that your sadness has evaporated! Good for you! xo

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