I Can’t Sleep Because Holidays Are Coming

I can’t seem to sleep lately and when I do, I’m bombarded by crazy dreams.  I guess it’s the upcoming family filled holidays that are thwarting any possibility of peace.  Maybe it’s because I feel sad and alone.  Maybe it’s because I don’t want to deal with my brother and his family on Thanksgiving by myself again and yet, I know he’ll take a huge offense to my not coming since we’re the only ones left in our family and as a people pleaser, I don’t like to disappoint him.

I just feel like crying.  I need a hug.  I want someone to take care of me instead of me having to be the only caretaker of everyone.  And according to the divorce agreement, this year the kids have Thanksgiving with their dad and his family (with whom I spent every holiday for over 2 decades) and I’m alone.  Yup, I’m having a pity party right now.  I can’t help myself.

What I really want to do is to go with my friend and her family out to a local restaurant for Thanksgiving, but if I choose that, my brother and his wife will throw a huge fit and he’s the only family I have left.  They will be insulted and on some level I need them and on a completely opposite level, I don’t.

Secondly, I have a sneaky suspicion that my former husband isn’t going to be at Thanksgiving at his mom’s house so my kids will show up there, but their dad won’t be there.  I had to stop by there yesterday and I saw the table already set with china and chairs and there’s not enough for him to sit there, let alone his girlfriend.  Also, his mom said something that baffled me so I’m waiting for that firecracker to explode if the kids unknowingly go to their grandma’s house and their dad doesn’t show.  They will be mad, but they’d also be mad if they had to go to my brother’s again with all the kids fighting at his house.

Honestly, I would be lonely and sad to stay home alone on Thanksgiving and I think it would upset my kids to know that I was home alone, but on the other hand, I don’t really care right now.  I’ve spent holidays alone in the past.  And right now, no option seems worth the aggravation of upsetting everyone else.  The untangling of everyone else’s emotions and judgments feels insurmountable.  Maybe I should just play sick at the last minute and stay home.  Take out pizza and a Hallmark movie marathon sounds enticing, but I know that doesn’t serve me either.

So here I sit alone on a Sunday as I write to you.  Has anyone had a similar dilemma?  Have you got any advice for me, friends?  Thanks for reading…

 

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18 Responses to I Can’t Sleep Because Holidays Are Coming

  1. When I’m in this kind of situation, I ask myself: What if? What if I did exactly what I wanted to do? What if I stopped carrying about offending people or being nice or polite? What if I re-invented the holiday to fit my needs and desires? What if, instead of having a pity party, I devoted some time to helping others who are worse off? That’s the good part of getting older…you simply can’t afford the time to sweat the trivialities and worry about pleasing everyone else.

    Liked by 4 people

    • janieleeds says:

      Well put Evelyn…thank you! I had thought of going to a local soup kitchen too…it’s just I hate conflict which makes it harder. But seriously, I need to put my big girl panties on and just be me in the kindest way possible. Thanks for the encouragement. xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Letitgocoach says:

    Follow your heart. I would go out to eat with friends.

    Once I learned the value of caring for myself, and speaking from the heart, there was no desire to be cared for by someone else. Did I lose friends? Yep. Do I have a beautiful, serene life today? You bet!

    I let everyone live their own life. I stopped creating scenarios, and look at the facts.

    The fact that I treasure most is the happiness of my heart. xxx

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Yes I have. but you said it best , not like I haven’t spend the holidays alone before and no use on letting it get to you. Even with some family sometimes it feels distant and like you also I want to be taken cared of too I miss that connection. Also from your other post seems like your kids are in college how does it work with divorce agreement this so I can. Educate my self and also tip for me

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    • janieleeds says:

      I think every divorce agreement is different. I’m not sure of the legality of the kids being ‘adults over 18’ in every state, but in my head, I think they can choose if it’s not clearly stated. My agreement says we alternate Thanksgiving and this year it’s his. What comes into play is if he actually is coming for Thanksgiving which I am not sure of yet. I don’t know if this helps you, but I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving ♥

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  4. Janie, like me you have spent your life pleasing others, when are you going to realise that you have one life, a life that can continue being controlled by others or controlled by yourself. Your children are not babies anymore and soon, trust me they will start making there own decisions. One rule I made after I split up with my ex was if doing something that made me feel uncomfortable in my stomach was NOT the right thing to do.

    Please Janie, find your inner strength and start thinking about what makes you happy . Lots of love…. Elaine xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. TJ Fox says:

    Oh how well I understand your struggle! The thought of having to go back to dreading a holiday with family makes me nauseous. It is so frickin’ HARD to stand up and say, this doesn’t work for me! It doesn’t make me happy! Why do we people pleasers always refuse to allow ourselves to have what we kill ourselves to give to others? Am I sad that my holidays no longer have the family that should be there? Yes and no. I miss the idea of them. The hope of what they could have been. But I absolutely, without doubt, do not miss the drama and stress and dread and ugliness. My holidays are quieter now. But at the end of the day, when the leftovers are packed away and the mess cleaned up, I can look back and say I had a really good day and that I’m happy. My kids are happy. My Hubby is happy. Families aren’t that dissimilar to significant others in that sometimes, divorce is what is best for everyone and being alone is so much better than being miserable. That said, you are the one that has to live this life. It is yours. Not your kids’. Not your ex’s. Not your family’s. Yours. In 10 years, what do you want to look back on? What do you want to say you did with your life? Me? I want to say I was happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. bone&silver says:

    You have some fantastic advice here, what great comments. I volunteer at a Soup Kitchen every Xmas Day- nothing like that to ground your own troubles in a bit of perspective. Pop in to see your brother; spend 2 hours volunteering somewhere; then go out with your friends, and finish up alone (or invite the kids over for a late cuppa)… why not do it all? Hugs, G x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh I had completely forgotten about my former husband in all the hoo haa about Christmas!
    My son and his girlfriend left last night for 2 months in Asia, so I don’t have to worry about him in this, but my daughter recently said she is not spending Christmas with my brother and his family. How not to offend them… I have no idea. The problem is not them, it’s my sister-in-laws family. Too much noise, too much cheap crap toys making horrible noise and too much stupid grandfather being ignorant and trying to get a rise…ergh. I understand completely her aversion. So, I am thinking of seeing them early to wish them Happy Christmas (without extended family present) and she can decide when she sees her father, I’m going south to spend a day or three with my mother.

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  8. I am sorry you have to go through this. Deep breath and it will pass. The crappy feeling will also pass. Soon they will be old enough yo make own choices. I hope.

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  9. You’re welcome. 😌

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Create Space says:

    Thank your brother sincerely while saying you have adventurous plans elsewhere, then do whatever makes you happy. It’s not easy I’m sure but you are way stronger than you think!! Xx

    Like

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