I can’t seem to sleep lately and when I do, I’m bombarded by crazy dreams. I guess it’s the upcoming family filled holidays that are thwarting any possibility of peace. Maybe it’s because I feel sad and alone. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to deal with my brother and his family on Thanksgiving by myself again and yet, I know he’ll take a huge offense to my not coming since we’re the only ones left in our family and as a people pleaser, I don’t like to disappoint him.
I just feel like crying. I need a hug. I want someone to take care of me instead of me having to be the only caretaker of everyone. And according to the divorce agreement, this year the kids have Thanksgiving with their dad and his family (with whom I spent every holiday for over 2 decades) and I’m alone. Yup, I’m having a pity party right now. I can’t help myself.
What I really want to do is to go with my friend and her family out to a local restaurant for Thanksgiving, but if I choose that, my brother and his wife will throw a huge fit and he’s the only family I have left. They will be insulted and on some level I need them and on a completely opposite level, I don’t.
Secondly, I have a sneaky suspicion that my former husband isn’t going to be at Thanksgiving at his mom’s house so my kids will show up there, but their dad won’t be there. I had to stop by there yesterday and I saw the table already set with china and chairs and there’s not enough for him to sit there, let alone his girlfriend. Also, his mom said something that baffled me so I’m waiting for that firecracker to explode if the kids unknowingly go to their grandma’s house and their dad doesn’t show. They will be mad, but they’d also be mad if they had to go to my brother’s again with all the kids fighting at his house.
Honestly, I would be lonely and sad to stay home alone on Thanksgiving and I think it would upset my kids to know that I was home alone, but on the other hand, I don’t really care right now. I’ve spent holidays alone in the past. And right now, no option seems worth the aggravation of upsetting everyone else. The untangling of everyone else’s emotions and judgments feels insurmountable. Maybe I should just play sick at the last minute and stay home. Take out pizza and a Hallmark movie marathon sounds enticing, but I know that doesn’t serve me either.
So here I sit alone on a Sunday as I write to you. Has anyone had a similar dilemma? Have you got any advice for me, friends? Thanks for reading…