There’s some blood moon, wolf moon eclipse coming and it sure feels like the world’s people have become untethered. Me included. So much debris floating under the surface, just when I thought things were getting better. But they’re not getting better. There’s more deluge of lies that I’m uncovering and trying to sift through.
It’s hard when you’re divorced from a narcissist who lies. Because on one hand, you loved this man and believed him back when you were married. You still, in your heart, want to believe what he says to you (when he talks to you). You can’t help it. Sprinkle in that he has been diagnosed with cancer and you want to help because that’s who you are. He’s the father of your kids and was your spouse for more than two decades and he’s acting kind again. You think he’s softening because he’s fearful to what he’s facing and you are fearful for him as well. So you reach out and become friendly because that’s who you are. Even when he’s prickly, you brush over it because he’s worried. And that’s what you used to do when you were married. You give him a pass because it’s him, the man you loved and you, in some small space, still love who you thought he was. You give him a pass because he’s frightened about the cancer and you understand how he feels.
And then a big lie emerges, a trust broken and you feel betrayed. You realize that the cunning narcissist is still there even though you, in your co-dependent warm heart, thought that he’d be abiding by the divorce agreement. Nope. Duped again and you feel like an idiot for having let down your guard to trust him again and to open your heart under the circumstances – for him, for the kids, and for yourself.
But a tiger never changes his stripes. The trust and friendly warmth is gone. Perhaps it was all an illusion since he’s been lying for months and because I confronted him with the lie, he’s back to furious with me. After a day of sobbing, I put my big girl panties back on, remembered who he is, what he’s done and now have the task of taking him back to court. More money I don’t have to spend, but necessary for the financial mess he’s lied about that directly affects the kids and me.
I have often waffled between looking for the best in people and seeing them clearly. I have prided myself on being authentically Janie and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to become one of those awful untrusting people, but again, my eyes are opened to the lying narcissist. My spidey-senses are in full on mode now. I had to put the sorrow on the back burner so that I can deal with what’s ahead of me. And I hate it.
I shy away from confrontation, but I won’t back down now. It makes me sad that he did this willingly, but I’m also mad. It’s a strange place to be in. I blame it on the moon. But I am also happy that the moon shone on the truth and the lies so I can deal with them now before it’s too late. Wish me luck. And never forget, that tiger doesn’t change his stripes. Don’t be fooled. Be cautious and keep your eyes open.