Life Is Tough These Days

There’s some blood moon, wolf moon eclipse coming and it sure feels like the world’s people have become untethered.  Me included.  So much debris floating under the surface, just when I thought things were getting better.  But they’re not getting better.  There’s more deluge of lies that I’m uncovering and trying to sift through.

It’s hard when you’re divorced from a narcissist who lies.  Because on one hand, you loved this man and believed him back when you were married.  You still, in your heart, want to believe what he says to you (when he talks to you).  You can’t help it.  Sprinkle in that he has been diagnosed with cancer and you want to help because that’s who you are.  He’s the father of your kids and was your spouse for more than two decades and he’s acting kind again.  You think he’s softening because he’s fearful to what he’s facing and you are fearful for him as well.  So you reach out and become friendly because that’s who you are.  Even when he’s prickly, you brush over it because he’s worried.  And that’s what you used to do when you were married.  You give him a pass because it’s him, the man you loved and you, in some small space, still love who you thought he was.  You give him a pass because he’s frightened about the cancer and you understand how he feels.

And then a big lie emerges, a trust broken and you feel betrayed.  You realize that the cunning narcissist is still there even though you, in your co-dependent warm heart, thought that he’d be abiding by the divorce agreement.  Nope.  Duped again and you feel like an idiot for having let down your guard to trust him again and to open your heart under the circumstances – for him, for the kids, and for yourself.

But a tiger never changes his stripes.  The trust and friendly warmth is gone.  Perhaps it was all an illusion since he’s been lying for months and because I confronted him with the lie, he’s back to furious with me.  After a day of sobbing, I put my big girl panties back on, remembered who he is, what he’s done and now have the task of taking him back to court.  More money I don’t have to spend, but necessary for the financial mess he’s lied about that directly affects the kids and me.

I have often waffled between looking for the best in people and seeing them clearly.  I have prided myself on being authentically Janie and giving people the benefit of the doubt.  I don’t want to become one of those awful untrusting people, but again, my eyes are opened to the lying narcissist.  My spidey-senses are in full on mode now.  I had to put the sorrow on the back burner so that I can deal with what’s ahead of me.  And I hate it.

I shy away from confrontation, but I won’t back down now.  It makes me sad that he did this willingly, but I’m also mad.  It’s a strange place to be in.  I blame it on the moon.  But I am also happy that the moon shone on the truth and the lies so I can deal with them now before it’s too late.  Wish me luck.  And never forget, that tiger doesn’t change his stripes.  Don’t be fooled.  Be cautious and keep your eyes open.



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23 Responses to Life Is Tough These Days

  1. I’m sorry Janie, I like you always look for the good in everyone but unfortunately not everyone is good. 😟 Like you said you need to get on with YOUR life and let him go on his own journey. Protect your kids and yourself. I walked away with nothing because I felt sorry for my ex. He took early retirement and got ££££££ for himself and didn’t even give his daughters anything. Cut him loose now. Xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      I’m sooooo sorry Elaine. That is where we are currently, but I’m not standing by without a fight. Cancer or no cancer. I’m sorry. Others may think I’m being heartless or a gold digger, but I’m protecting my kids’ futures. I was broken, but after he lied directly and I knew it, I’m on a mission to remedy the situation before it’s too late. I am sending a hug because I felt the same way, sorry for him and would have been in similar situation, except that I have this special friend named Elaine who sends me advice and courage…xoxoxo

      Liked by 2 people

  2. TJ Fox says:

    Narcissists will ALWAYS be narcissists, even if they look like something completely different (fixed, or better, or caring) for a period of time. A sociopath cannot learn emotions, neither can the narcissist learn to think about anyone or anything that doesn’t benefit him in some way. With a narcissist, you have to always be aware of what they are going to get out of a situation. If the answer is nothing, then you are missing something and need to look again because it WILL be there and it is rarely something that would be benign to others. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. *hugs*

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Eyes open, warning heeded. I’m so sorry you are dealing with yet another wave after wave of lies and deception and duplicity. I’m here for you 24/7 XO


  4. Create Space says:

    Wish I could help a close relation, in a very similar situation see reality and acknowledge things as clearly as you Janie. Be proud of how you have changed and grown!


  5. Dwight says:

    Such a hard path day after day battling old and new ghosts along the way. Keep your courage up along with your chin. Tomorrow’s will start to get better. You are growing from within.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Kate Bowie says:

    Ugh. I’m sorry. And because it’s so utterly believable and possible for me as well, I am super glad that we’ve found our big girl panties, black lace superpower ones….
    We’ve come, I have, and you have, …at least now we own the right armor…


  7. I feel you! Been there done that too! Hugs!


  8. I completely and utterly feel your pain and frustration. I’m going through the same thing trying to divorce my own narcissist. He simply won’t come to the table and even participate in legal discussions, spreading lies and stonewalling, and it’s holding me captive to a legal system that I can’t break free from. I understand all too well how it’s easy to still feel compassion – it comes from having a big heart and huge capacity to love, which you clearly have. I wish you strength to stay strong as hard as it can be to understand that these types of people simply can’t feel or emote. You’ve got this!


    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you…you have got this as well. Take heart. Mine did the same thing. Just stay strong and keep to your convictions. You can’t change him. You can only change yourself and allow yourself to stay grounded and not change your integrity nor good heart. I’m here for you. xo


    • janieleeds says:

      I read your last post and wrote a comment, but it wouldn’t post the comment. So here it is: Congratulations! I am so proud of you! Yes, the Universe works in mysterious ways and I am happy that you listened to your intuition and allowed these opportunities to flow to you. You’ve done so much! I admire you!! Keep up the great work!


  9. You are too kind! This whole experience can be so draining and I really appreciate that you are open and authentic with what you have been through and continue to go through – it’s nice to know we aren’t alone!


  10. Pingback: Lesson Reminder – Divorced From A Narcissist | Authentically 50 ~ Embracing Life's Changes

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