Lesson Reminder – Divorced From A Narcissist

I had to contact my divorce lawyer and pay him to help me again because my ex-husband intentionally betrayed the divorce agreement.  Time and again, he thinks the rules don’t apply to him.  But they do and if I’m the enforcer, then so be it.  I will enforce the responsibilities that he agreed to when we signed the divorce papers.

It’s not that easy though because at first, I was hoping I wasn’t correct in what I thought happened.  So I asked him, half hoping that he’d tell the truth.  But a narcissist doesn’t change, especially when he’s being asked a direct question.  So he lied which is bad for him since he did it in writing (score one for me).  When I researched, I found the evidence of the lie and gave the truthful facts to my lawyer who is pursuing it.

I know his incendiary fury is growing since my ex knows that I’m onto him, again.  While I could have filed a motion with the court on my own, I chose to have the lawyer do it because 1) it’s more official, 2) my lawyer is used to dealing with him, 3) I felt like I needed protection.  Not like the ex is going to hurt me physically.  That he never did.  But emotionally, he has no bounds.  And I’m just a little too tenderly healed to not have someone else protect me and deal with his outbursts.  So far, I’ve been spared a brutal email from him.

That kind place that we were in when he was recently diagnosed with cancer is obliterated.  I don’t know why, but it still amazes me that he was able to use my friendship all the while knowing he’d intentionally screwed me and the kids financially just a few months prior.  And there I was thinking how nice that we were talking and maybe I could help him and the kids through his cancer, when instead, he was probably all the while laughing because he knew he’d screwed us over and I was clueless about it.  If I’m honest with myself, there is no more nicey nice and heck, there really never was except in my own imagination because I wanted to think we could be friendly.  But this betrayal sunk me into a depression which has changed to anger.  I’m not going back to that narc bait girl who thought she’d give him the benefit of the doubt.  Because once a liar, he’s proving, always a liar.  I guess it’s another huge leap for me in the healing process.  Another part of the illusion is gone and another stark reminder that narcissists are narcissists.  Plain and simple.  And to have loved one for so many years, only means that I must be extra careful to not be narc bait for someone else.

Wish me luck.  May the law be on my side.  May I receive what is financially, lawfully mine, sooner rather than later.  I don’t care what he says.  I refuse to believe him.  We are not speaking anymore.  He has told me I’m not to inquire about his health so I have not.  His journey, his health.  Just do the right thing financially and if you refuse, I will take you to court.  I no longer care (well, I’m working on no longer caring).  I’m still a work in progress.

Lesson Reminder:  A tiger doesn’t change his stripes.  Don’t be fooled.

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30 Responses to Lesson Reminder – Divorced From A Narcissist

  1. Sam D.C.C. says:

    Narcissism is a specific instance where there *is* no change. There will never be a change. Because there is no growth or learning. Only perpetuating their reality and gameplan. Benefit of the doubt has been my undoing as well but I believe in it as part of my character, however….in the case of narcissism, no. Its on your toes 24/7 because there is no basis for reality or appealing to heart/soul that does not exist. It’s hard not to let a forgiving soul be blocked up by these things I know. Stick strong to your agenda with him. That’s all you can do with such a pervasive disorder.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Sam. I appreciate your kindness. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. I know better. I do. But I think I just needed one more final LESSON in order to be done. Innately we are similar you and me because I have similar character and want the best, want for healing, want for him to be ok for the kids’ sake. I am sticking to my agenda because I have to for our financial well being.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Justine says:

    Yet again Janie, this sounds horribly familiar. In my case my ex waited until the law was on his side, but he has (and continues to) screwed me & the kids over financially. In the UK I think the system is ill-conceived and unfavourable to those who stay with the kids … I’m looking forward to a day when I can be totally liberated from any dependence on my ex… it can’t come soon enough.
    Sending hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are so not alone on this! Go get what is rightfully yours! I finally put my own foot down yesterday and said I don’t care what it’s going to cost, it’s *not* ok that he’s not paying for his kids or even me (given that I gave up 19 years of career growth to support his). It’s amazing to me how people can care so little and turn their backs on their own children. I fully understand and empathize with how hard it is to keep that wall up and do something that is most likely against your nature, but treating it like a business decision is the best way to go. I’m sending tons of good vibes your way for a speedy and cheap resolution. (that we have to continue to pay for legal fees just to try and get what is legally ours is a whole other story, isn’t it?) You’ve got this!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you! I wish you the same!! Stay strong and we will get what is legally ours…I’m going to ask for the lawyer fees back if I can since I wouldn’t have had to employ the lawyer if he had followed the divorce agreement. Maybe that would work for you too? Just a thought! 🙂

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      • Fingers crossed that you can! I’m still at the stage where I’m trying to get him to participate in actually getting divorced so I can’t recover anything. I don’t know how these types manage to find ways to evade the system, but we have to give them props for being experts!

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      • janieleeds says:

        But you must stay strong and not back down. Too many women I know have backed down because they’ve become exhausted by the manipulations and then lose in the end. Stay strong. You can do this!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. My two cents here…your attorney’s fees and any court costs could/should be added to your motion; why should you be financially responsible for his financial betrayal and breach of contract? Good idea to use professional legal services, and in law…”but for the fact” that you would not need to do this if he hadn’t done what he did should carry some weight. They can’t always benefit from being the perpetual victim-at the end of the day, there really are consequences. Or karma. Stay strong my friend.

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    • janieleeds says:

      I’m planning on it believe me. That was my second thought after I contacted the lawyer. So far, I’ve had to pay out of pocket, but I want reimbursement. Because I wouldn’t have had to even hire the lawyer again if he had done what was agreed upon and signed in a court of law.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely. That’s the “but for the fact” of whatever THEY do that causes us to seek legal remedies. Similar situation may arise here and you can believe there will be swift and strong consequences.

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      • janieleeds says:

        Stay strong my friend. I would hope it wouldn’t arise for you too, but you never know…

        Liked by 1 person

      • I guess I’m coming to the conclusion that I will have to accept IT, the PTSD triggers, the memories, the lies and betrayals-the anticipation of new forms of abuse (like legal/financial) like I would a limp from a badly broken femur or a completely burned body held together by painful scar tissue. It will never go away but at least I’m alive. Not realistic to think at some point there will be an end to feeling the harm of his actions. It might be blurred and not so raw, but sort of like a C-section incision that always reminds me of my greatest love for my child, this will be the constant reminder/lesson that there are monsters disguised as humans. Lesson learned.

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      • janieleeds says:

        And pat yourself on the back and embrace the lesson learned. You are stronger for having experienced this and you are wiser and able to help others. ♥

        Like

  5. I really hope that you can stay strong and look forward, don’t look back, trust me Janie he will never change EVER! You have to let go and be strong. 🌹

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Create Space says:

    I hope you pause Janie to see how far you have come and how strong you now are! How is your college going son keeping? I am thinking of him and hope things are working out for him. Xx

    Like

  7. TJ Fox says:

    I really hate that you are having to go through this, but I know that you, and your kids, will be better for you taking this stand. It takes an iron will to put up with this crap. Always in your corner!

    Like

  8. I have a lot of experience in court with my Ex husband (narcissist) I have been 26 times over the past six years, I represent myself now, very successfully because most of the reasons I am in court are pathetic – If you need any advice please let me know (I have four upcoming court dates too…they range from Finances, custody, tribunal and incunction attempt).

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this but thank you! I may write to you if I need help. I really appreciate your offer….thanks. I wish you all the best and SUCCESS!!

      Like

  9. I had very few illusions left after twenty years with mine. I accepted he was always going to be trying to con me and took that into account Janie. I told my lawyer the stunts he would pull. They looked at me incredulous, till he did. In the end he managed to ditch his own lawyers and had managed to get his feet under the table with mine. I accepted he had to feel like he had won. My goal was to get everybody out safely.
    Even if they have never been violent before, seperation and divorce is a dangerous time.

    Like

    • janieleeds says:

      I know how deceitful they can be and it’s hard when you thought you knew the man and trusted him. I am glad you were successful in getting everyone out safely. Good for you! 🙂

      Like

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