On Valentine’s Day, I began feeling sick with a cold. With each puff of the few cigarettes I chose to inhale, I felt that yuck. If you’re a cigarette smoker, you may know what I mean. The mind wants a cigarette, but the body is like what the hell are you doing? And so you find yourself smoking one, but not enjoying it and then feeling more guilt than usual for smoking? It’s a vicious cycle for sure.
As I was not enjoying a smoke, but still having one, I was thinking about how it was Valentine’s Day and here I was, all alone, feeling like I was starting a cold and still smoking. Full of shame, guilt, sadness and self-loathing, I held that cigarette and thought about it.
Here I was wanting it, but not wanting it, but still hurting myself and for what? Recently somewhere I read that problems with the lungs are due to massive amounts of grief. Well that’s exactly where my cold is centered, in my chest and lungs along with my head. I’ve been carrying grief for a failed marriage and all that accompanied it and in narc bait empath fashion, holding all the blame even though it wasn’t me who left and it was me who picked up the pieces and stayed the only connected parent to our kids. So what was I mourning?
It was as if a twinkling crystal chimed in my head. Stop mourning what you don’t have and celebrate what you do. While it isn’t as easy as that, it was easy to not have a cigarette for the next 5 days because I was so sick. I couldn’t even think of smoking. And you know if you’re a smoker, that’s bad. Because if you were like me, you’d maybe try to sneak one as you felt better. But I couldn’t.
So today’s day 6 and while I’ve had a few more urges, I’ve resisted. Fingers crossed. So far, so good. My kids know that it’s day 6 and are happy for me. They’ve reminded me that that I could lean on the jewel if I had to smoke, but I don’t need to start that too. I”m going to keep working on cold turkey – emphasis on cold (lame pun intended). Enough is enough.
I’m through with feeling ashamed. I am exhausted from worrying if I smell like smoke or if anyone will suspect – even though I’ve showered, put on clean clothing and dabbed myself with perfume. I’m tired of scheduling my life to include safe smoke breaks when needed. I want the freedom that comes with quitting – the freedom to be authentically Janie once again.
I quit for 20 years, but when my marriage fell apart, I began smoking again and it’s time I quit this again for good. So wish me luck please. I could really use some support. Now that I’m feeling a bit better, those old feelings are sneaking in. You know the ones that say, take a break…you deserve a smoke…you’ve been dealing with x, y and z and he hasn’t. But so far, I think I’ll finish day 6 and pray for a good day 7. Time will tell. You know I’ve been in this position before…many times. Let’s hope this one’s for good.