Quit Day 6

On Valentine’s Day, I began feeling sick with a cold.  With each puff of the few cigarettes I chose to inhale, I felt that yuck.  If you’re a cigarette smoker, you may know what I mean.  The mind wants a cigarette, but the body is like what the hell are you doing?  And so you find yourself smoking one, but not enjoying it and then feeling more guilt than usual for smoking?  It’s a vicious cycle for sure.

As I was not enjoying a smoke, but still having one, I was thinking about how it was Valentine’s Day and here I was, all alone, feeling like I was starting a cold and still smoking.  Full of shame, guilt, sadness and self-loathing, I held that cigarette and thought about it.

Here I was wanting it, but not wanting it, but still hurting myself and for what?  Recently somewhere I read that problems with the lungs are due to massive amounts of grief.  Well that’s exactly where my cold is centered, in my chest and lungs along with my head.  I’ve been carrying grief for a failed marriage and all that accompanied it and in narc bait empath fashion, holding all the blame even though it wasn’t me who left and it was me who picked up the pieces and stayed the only connected parent to our kids.  So what was I mourning?

It was as if a twinkling crystal chimed in my head.  Stop mourning what you don’t have and celebrate what you do.  While it isn’t as easy as that, it was easy to not have a cigarette for the next 5 days because I was so sick.  I couldn’t even think of smoking.  And you know if you’re a smoker, that’s bad.  Because if you were like me, you’d maybe try to sneak one as you felt better.  But I couldn’t.

So today’s day 6 and while I’ve had a few more urges, I’ve resisted.  Fingers crossed.  So far, so good.  My kids know that it’s day 6 and are happy for me.  They’ve reminded me that that I could lean on the jewel if I had to smoke, but I don’t need to start that too.  I”m going to keep working on cold turkey – emphasis on cold (lame pun intended).  Enough is enough.

I’m through with feeling ashamed.  I am exhausted from worrying if I smell like smoke or if anyone will suspect – even though I’ve showered, put on clean clothing and dabbed myself with perfume.  I’m tired of scheduling my life to include safe smoke breaks when needed.  I want the freedom that comes with quitting – the freedom to be authentically Janie once again.

I quit for 20 years, but when my marriage fell apart, I began smoking again and it’s time I quit this again for good.  So wish me luck please.  I could really use some support.  Now that I’m feeling a bit better, those old feelings are sneaking in.  You know the ones that say, take a break…you deserve a smoke…you’ve been dealing with x, y and z and he hasn’t.  But so far, I think I’ll finish day 6 and pray for a good day 7.  Time will tell.  You know I’ve been in this position before…many times.  Let’s hope this one’s for good.

This entry was posted in addiction, divorce, finding happiness at 50, love and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Quit Day 6

  1. Paula Light says:

    Congrats! 🎉 That’s so great! A friend of mine quit cold turkey several years ago and is going strong, running marathons now. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻


  2. LA says:

    Feel better! And you can do whatever you set your mind to!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I so want to give you a hug right now 🤗 I’m so sorry it has to be a virtual hug!

    We all have our props Janie, mine has been sugar and fatty foods. Other people turn to drugs. Living with a narcissist takes a lot of getting over, trust me, I still feel the effects today! But we have to be kind to ourselves, love ourselves and accept ourselves just as we are. I had counselling after my marriage failed and it hurt like hell but it did help, maybe it would be helpful to you too, ❤️


    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks for the hug Elaine! I appreciate it and virtually can feel the love! xoxo I do go to therapy too and it has helped a bit. I am taking this one day at a time, but I’m hopeful that it’s the last quit time. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Congrats! I will be 8 years on March 3rd. You can do this!


  5. Create Space says:

    Don’t think of for good Janie, that’s just too much pressure…celebrate today instead, you did it! Write a list of treats, like they have for yearly anniversaries, just a daily anniversary list…a relaxing bath, tomorrow a new moisturiser, a favourite song, a coffee date…enjoy making the list and celebrating each day! Xx


  6. Hope it’s still going well Janie.


    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks for sharing your post! Congrats to you!


      • landzek says:

        Well that’s my friends blog and he’s all into recovery and stopping smoking and all that stuff.

        I stop smoking about three years ago and it hasn’t been that much of an issue once I got to that point of actually stopping. So I don’t count the days. But my friend a tree keeper blog I see in deed is counting the days so…👍🏾


      • janieleeds says:

        Thanks for sharing his blog with me. It’s really good. Now I have to stop by yours too! Glad you found mine so I could meet your blog and his! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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