I don’t know if it’s some planetary alignment or just plain exhaustion lately, but I’m tired. And yes, I slipped up so I need to get back on the quit wagon. But I did make it 10 days without smoking so that’s good. But bad news is, with so much pressure, I caved.
Kids and their anxiety ramped up and my patience broke recently. While I did keep my cool, I did extend some boundaries because I’m dealing with a lot financially with the ex (which they don’t know about) and I’ve had it with their blaming everyone else for their anxiety. I know. It’s not my finest single parenting moment. Not that I said it to them in that way because I didn’t. But I wanted to tell them to just do their work, study and move on.
I get that they’re diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And I have them in therapy and now on meds. And I’m watching out for them. But who’s watching out for me? Nobody. I’m shouldering everything on my own. And I’m exhausted – physically, mentally and emotionally. Thank goodness I have my own therapist to talk with so that I can vent my frustrations and get advice.
But if you are a single parent and are handling kids with depression/anxiety then you know what I mean. It’s hard work balancing everyone’s needs and knowing when to push and when to give in with patience. And sure, there’s guilt involved because supposedly it’s all a fallout from the divorce and I’m the mom who’s divorced from their dad. Is it just my kids or is it this generation? Or am I such a hard-ass mother that I have no empathy? Because I do have empathy for them, but at some point, in my unprofessional opinion, they need to step up their efforts. I’m sorry. Maybe I’m sounding cold or callous and I’m not really. You know me. I’m a big ball of mushy love and affection. But I also won’t be blamed for them not getting their studies done, attending class or possibly not getting decent grades when they are fully capable. Playing video games is your treat after getting your work done in my opinion. Instead, they’re using them as procrastination/numbing out and it’s not working for me.
In my childhood, I came from a father who demanded perfection and there was no excuse to not get good grades or to do your work. So I have a strong work ethic, although I’m not a perfectionist nor am I demanding perfection from the kids. I just want effort made or let’s get off the college path and you can go straight to work. Because this is a gift, this college education that I’m struggling to pay for with little help. If you can’t appreciate it or do what’s necessary to keep it going, then let’s call it off.
That’s where I am today. Thanks for reading. I’m going to take a walk outside even though it’s cold here. I think I need a breath of fresh air.