Looking Back To Let Go

I found my old diary the other day..  And yes, I read it through because it was written at the time my ex-husband announced he didn’t want to do this anymore.  It was revealing to me now that so many years have passed because there were things I had forgotten.

What I had forgotten was my wide range of emotions during that time.  I flowed from feeling badly that he didn’t want to do this anymore, to anger, to resentment, to wanting to help him to be happy, to holding him as he cried.  And I’d forgotten how many times he had cried, with me holding him…not the other way around.

Except for once when I had cried for 30 minutes, you know, that gutted cry that comes from the depths of your soul.  I had just broken down in our bedroom, convulsing in grief and when I had finally ebbed to a quieter cry, he came up to hold me and to say he was sorry.  I allowed him to hold me because I needed to be held, but once I regained my composure, I thanked him and walked away.  And I made sure that if I were to cry like that again, I would check beforehand that I was completely alone in the house.

I read how I wanted to help the broken man that threw away everything and everyone.  A shell of the man that he’s become.  It was sad to read what I was witnessing at the time and fascinating how I never asked him to reconsider.  That inner strength of not backing down and not wanting a man who didn’t want me was clear in every entry.  I don’t know from where it comes, but it’s innate.  And I’m really grateful for its fortitude.

My entries about the kids and their reactions to his announcement that we were divorcing were sad because of how each of them took it differently.  Consoling his family was another entry…imagine consoling his family as they cried in my arms because their son/brother was leaving me and our kids.  Not the other way around mind you.  Nope, I consoled them.  What the heck?

Then there were his mood swings…from inertia, to being angry and cold, to crying.  I have always felt there was a secret that he couldn’t tell me as to why he was leaving us.  I have my suspicions which are not public so please don’t ask or suggest what you may think it is.  Someday I may find out the truth and then I can explain more.

Because when you are determined to leave, you leave, especially when you have a place to go.  But he didn’t.  I had to ask him to go…actually tell him to leave after so many weeks of him sitting around our home like a pet rock.  I often wondered why he didn’t get out when that was what he wanted.  Be on your own.  Be free.  Go your own way.  You have what you said you wanted.  Why are you torturing yourself and us?

The last interesting part of the entries was this:  he never said the divorce word to me directly – ever.  He told the kids we were getting divorced.  He told his family divorce.  But he never said it to me.  And still hasn’t to this day.  He’s always found a way around that word.  I wonder what that’s about?

The man remains a mystery that I no longer choose to try to solve.   There will always be that part that’s grateful for our journey together – all the good and bad that we experienced – and the result of our union – my two kids.  I wish him healing for his sake and for the relationship with the kids that’s still suffering.  But that’s it.

Looking back helped me to let go.

 

 

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20 Responses to Looking Back To Let Go

  1. The V Pub says:

    Letting go is among the most difficult things to accomplish. I’m happy that you were able to do so.

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  2. I absolutely love the title of this post. I have diaries from way back that are hard for me to read. Sometimes I don’t even recognize the girl I once was. Some events I don’t even remember. We can learn a lot from looking back, though. We can witness our growth, evolution, pain, and find compassion for our flawed self and hopefully forgiveness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • janieleeds says:

      That’s exactly what happened to me Evelyn! There were things I didn’t remember until I read my diary and then I did. And the girl that once was has evolved into a woman who is me now. And I’m grateful. I think that was the biggest take away for me. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment and to connect. Have a great day!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s still too difficult and triggering to look back at my early journal entries…but similar questions to yours have arisen. Part of my healing was when I stopped needing to get him to answer WHY he did what he did, destroying me and our marriage. Now I figure everything he says is a lie so I wouldn’t believe him anyway. Reality is the answer and I’m learning to accept reality. Much love to you.

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    • janieleeds says:

      Much love to you…reality is the answer when you look at the situation/him/you with an observer point of view and not in the middle of the mess. WHY has always been in the back of my mind and I’ve chosen to lay that question to rest. Perhaps someday I will know the truth, but in trying to figure it out, I wasted so much of my own energy/time. It doesn’t matter why anymore so much as it matters about my life, my kids and my choices. Sending you a huge hug!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. LA says:

    Good for you

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  5. Create Space says:

    It must be a great, proud feeling to read and realise how far you’ve come Janie! College only a few more weeks here, hope your two boys doing well and happy!

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    • janieleeds says:

      Thanks Marie! Kids are doing a bit better. Up and down but I’ll be happy when the semester is over. Lots of stressful feelings that I’d like to release. I hope all is well with yours too! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Create Space says:

        Glad there is improvement, we clutch at any progress! We have a 50/50 situation, one great, one not so. I hope you find healthy ways to channel your pent up emotions/negative energy as I know when I penciled in and had good times, it slowly changed the stress level across the board…weird but true! Xx

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      • janieleeds says:

        I believe that some ‘me time’ helps immensely. I’m sorry you have one great, one not so…sending healing hugs to you and yours M. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Create Space says:

        life would be too easy if everything was rosy in the garden, lol!

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      • janieleeds says:

        I know…but I’d like to see how it feels! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Create Space says:

        I don’t normally curse, but Jesus H Christ, so would I Janie, so would I! Even just for a short while! But then I think how blessed I am to have experienced all I have through our two children’s journey, it has branded my soul and thought me well and I would not be here writing about bullying without those life lessons for which I’m now grateful. Also I could have been given somebody else’s journey and that could have been in a whole different league altogether and totally unredeemable, and how would I feel then? Much love, Marie xx

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      • janieleeds says:

        Beautifully said Marie! I think about my circumstances too and my problems. And when I hear of others’ unfortunate situations, I realize that mine isn’t that bad. xx Much love to you too!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Dwight says:

    That must of been gut wrenching reviewing all of that. I hear you on those deep deep cries. Our views change for sure after time and looking back. Sending light and warm hugs❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. bone&silver says:

    That takes courage, & I’m glad you noticed your strength and resolve Janie, well done: great qualities to model for your kids 😊

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