I allowed myself to stay on the merry-go-round in my head for too long. I knew it. I couldn’t help myself because I kept thinking that this go round would be different. What’s that quote about insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Yup, that was me.
Wishing, hoping, praying that this time, this conversation would be different. It would finally click in his (ex’s) head if I phrased it this way or that way. But it didn’t. I was making myself sick and dizzy by staying on the merry-go-round of the situation. I was afraid to abandon the carousel because in my mind, it was abandoning him, abandoning the relationship, abandoning the life I thought I had.
But staying on that merry-go-round wasn’t good for me. I spent a lot of time making up conversations in my head of what I wanted to say. Planning for what if’s and emotionally swinging back and forth from anger to angst.
And all the while, there was nothing from him. He was probably gleefully living his bachelor life, doing what he wanted and not phased in the least that I was trying to get him to parent with me, to understand that the kids needed him, that there were financial responsibilities that he needed to take care of, etc. But there was no word from him. No communication. And yet, I kept trying.
And what did that get me? Nothing good. So if you can learn from my experience, here’s my advice:
You’re not a bad person if you give up. You can’t do it all and you can’t get him to do what he doesn’t want to do. Think about it.
You do your job the right way with integrity, with kindness and take care of your own stuff. What he does or doesn’t do is none of your business. Really. It isn’t. He’s an adult and he’s responsible or irresponsible, but that’s not your concern. If you need to bring in the lawyers again, then do it. Otherwise, forget it.
When it’s over, it’s over. Don’t let him play with your emotions. Don’t fall for the hoovering or gas-lighting. It’s just a power play and you’re stronger than that. If this is happening to you, then go no contact if you can. And you can. It just takes discipline.
It’s not selfish to take care of you. It’s necessary. A healthy parent for kids of divorce is important. They deserve that as do you.
Change your thoughts. Process what you need to and then change the channel. Your focus is the kids and you! Not him.
I hope this helps you if you need it.