I’m tired and ready for summer vacation to be over and for the kids and me to get back to a routine that I can handle. The older one is already dirtying the nest. At 21, he’s off and running to every bar with friends at night which I kinda understand, except lately he sleeps during the day and that makes me angry. The other one, with anxiety, sleeps as well and it’s like I live with two vampires. I’m up early and they’re not. We eat dinner together usually which is our time to catch up. But I’m tired of it. Are you feeling the same way?
There’s also a tension here since their dad has suddenly been communicating with them. The older kid wants to believe the lies he’s told by his dad and grandma and they tell a bunch of lies. When he confronted me recently, I calmly sat down and showed him the facts. Because facts don’t lie. People do. It was eye-opening to him, but it also made him angry and the anger is coming towards me, not at those who lie. I’m trying to keep a calm demeanor, but it’s hard. Why would you be mad at me when I’m not the one lying? I know they won’t confront their dad on stuff because he can be volatile and I’m not that way. Even though it’s not right, it’s easier to take out your angst on your mom who loves you unconditionally. I’ve had to take a stand lately because I won’t feel disrespected in my own home. That’s not happening. So it’s caused tension here between us. I hold my kids to a standard that their dad doesn’t and since he refuses to co-parent, it’s all on me. The disciplinarian, the fact giver, the one who loves you but holds you to your word and to your responsibilities. It’s a sucky job. I’d love to set him free and say go do what you want and forget about it, but he lives here and we have rules. So far, he hasn’t mentioned leaving to live with his dad, so I’m just waiting the last few weeks before he leaves for college again and will be gone for awhile. If I learned anything from dirtying the nest it’s that this is their way of embracing their freedom and untying the mom apron strings from their lives. And that’s a good thing.
When he first started college and acting this way, I took it personally. But now I don’t. I do my own thing and hold them accountable for what they have to do as well. And there are consequences. My newest mantra is, “I’m not a nag. I’m a resource.” So I’ve let go of a lot of stuff on the outside, but on the inside, I’m not yet able to let go. I guess I’m still a work in progress.
Lately, the planetary alignment has me swirling as well. So much is going wrong in my life that I feel like I’m inside a tornado. I just keep getting up every morning wondering what today will bring. Sometimes it’s good stuff, but mostly it’s not. However, there’s always something good that I can be grateful for at the end of the day so I’m holding on to that. I may write more about that later, but I’m wondering if you’re feeling that too?
I hope you are doing great. I’ve not been on lately because I’ve had health issues. I think it’s from stress so I’m not too worried. At least for now.