It’s Not You, It’s Me

I was watching some video about the saying, It’s not you, it’s me, and how when break ups sometimes occur, that’s the line used.  I guess the, It’s not you, it’s me, is designed to make the person whom you’re breaking up with feel better, but I often wonder if it’s truthful or just one of those sayings.

Have you ever used that line?

I’ve never said it myself, but I’ve been the recipient of it.  In fact, I was devastated by it because to me, saying that is akin to saying, You’re not enough even though that’s not what is technically meant by it.  It’s supposed to feign the blame on the leaver so as to make the other person feel better.  Either way, I think it’s a lousy line to use.

When my ex-husband left, I thought I wasn’t enough and that line came to mind even though he didn’t utter it.  I wasn’t enough for him to want to stay as a family.  Look back on some of my old posts and you’ll see that vein of thinking over and over.

But there’s a clarity that comes after healing.  It wasn’t me…it was him.  Because even though I’m a work in progress, I still know who I am.  I am happy with who I am and even though the kids and I have fallen on hard times, we got even closer and I am still home to my kids.  We share a trust and a bond of family that my ex doesn’t have because he chooses not to have it.  While that hurts the kids, it no longer hurts me.  I feel sorry for my kids’ hurt feelings about the way their dad is, but healing begins once we accept the truthfulness of a situation and find forgiveness.

So many times when we are left in a relationship, we blame ourselves.  We try harder to be what we think the other person wants in us, but sometimes that has nothing to do with the break up.  It’s simply because s/he doesn’t want to do this anymore and no amount of jumping through hoops is going to change it.  And looking back, I’m grateful I didn’t beg him to return or to stay.  I didn’t turn myself inside out to please him once he left.

I’m peaceful with my present situation.  I don’t need someone to complete me.  It’s taken what seems like forever to get to this place, but I am finally here…it’s all about me and my family…and it’s not about my ex.  It’s not me…it’s you.




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10 Responses to It’s Not You, It’s Me

  1. LA says:

    I hate it’s not you, it’s me….drives me crazy when I hear it


  2. The V Pub says:

    It’s a beautiful place to be, Janie. You don’t need anyone to complete you. I think that a lot of us have heard various interpretations of that saying. I’ve been the recipient of that, for sure. I’d rather have the real reason, so I won’t internalize what I think she meant.


    • janieleeds says:

      I agree with you…tell the truth, even if it hurts so that I learn from the relationship. I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. That’s for sure. But just say what you mean and mean what you say so that I don’t internalize it (great phrase!) and make it something it might not have been in the first place.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You worded the notion of accepting the truth of a situation and forgiving/seeking forgiveness to heal more peacefully so perfectly for me. (I didn’t manage as eloquently as you!) thank you for posting this.

    Really lovely to read you have a close bond with your children and a positive attitude towards the realisation that actually ‘it’s not me, it’s you’!


    • janieleeds says:

      Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I am so grateful for your presence here and that you liked it. I just want us all to find peace in this lifetime whatever the situations we find ourselves in.
      Thank you about my children…they are my teachers sometimes as well.


  4. TJ Fox says:

    There are times when this is actually important to use, though. I’ve used it with my Hubby in the past to try and help explain why I was needing to do something for me. At the time, I desperately needed to find some kind of identity that wasn’t only Wife or Mom. He felt hurt because he felt he wasn’t giving me something I needed, when the fact was it really had nothing to do with him. It was something I needed to give to myself. Yes, a lot of people have abused the phrase in an attempt to get out of things guilt free, but sometimes it is still very much an accurate way of stating things.


    • janieleeds says:

      I agree with you TJ and I am grateful that you shared how you’ve used it in the past. The identity crisis that sometimes comes for us does the adage justice…sometimes it’s not you, it’s me and it really is me…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Soul Gifts says:

    It’s a good space to be! Glad you found your way there.
    I dropped by to thank you for the follow and have a look around your place.


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