I don’t know whether it’s from the full moon last night or some astrological planetary alignment, but I’m being transformed, whether I like it or not. And it’s unsettling at times and yet, there’s a spark of excitement. A small ray of hope emerges as I’m feeling more grounded.
There’s a song I remember my kids singing, some rapper back when my husband left. I’m not a fan of rap music really, but this song is looping in my head. I guess I’m getting messages through music and that’s ok with me.
It seems that it’s a song for me as I turn a corner in my life. I like to sit outside on my porch at night and watch the moon come up, the stars twinkle and listen to the quiet sounds of nature. It’ soothing to me and lately I’ve been out there more often, just letting my mind wander in hopes that whatever messages from my soulful essence will come to me.
Last night, what came to me was that I have spent my whole life doing what’s expected, doing what’s right and putting me last. A typical ‘good girl’ with strict parents who gave me conditional love morphed into a co-dependent empath who married a narcissist who was much like my own father. Somewhere along the line, after my then husband left, I found my inner strength to file for divorce. And I did it. Much to the shock of my soon-to-be-ex who had been calling the shots. But that one spark of courage didn’t stay. I backed down in favor of keeping the peace and making the life transition easier for everyone but myself.
I have often joked that I no longer will abide by the good girl rules. But I’ve never done more than a little blip here and there. I am a rule follower. I have taken on (or been given) responsibilities for family, friends, etc., that weren’t mine to take on, but since nobody else would step up, I did. That was my childhood training kicking in and the voice inside my head is my Dad who berates me louder than thunder when I don’t do it all perfectly as expected in every way. It’s a huge burden to shoulder and a belief that I haven’t been able to shake or lessen its power in my life. But I’m working on it.
It’s about time I think to let go. While I’d never be comfortable in being a total bad a** like I enjoy imagining, it’s time for me to please myself more than I have in the past. It’s time to extinguish the feeling of being solely responsible for everyone and everything. It’s like the Universe is laying out this red carpet, but without any instructions to follow. And I’m a planner. I like instructions and there are none. This is uncharted territory.
What came to me last night, in the moonlight, was that now is the time for me to break out and incorporate some sparkles into my life. I’d only occasionally taken a baby sip, yet there’s a whole Universe out there, a fountain of infinite possibility that I was too wary to drink from! And here I am, 50+, divorced, single mom with kids who will most likely be leaving the nest in the next few years and what will I have? Where will I be?
Because my whole life was about the roles I had: daughter, student, sister, graduate, employed professional, wife, daughter-in-law, mother, caregiver, divorced woman, 50 year old, single parent…you get my drift, right? But now who am I? It’s time for some changes, some improvements, some hope and some shaking it up a bit.
I’m not the type to flip the switch and become someone completely different. It’s not like I’m going to be a rapper when I love 70’s and 80’s music. But when a song touches me a little, it’s time to open up and feel the music. It’s time. And honestly, probably way overdue.
I’ve let society, narcissists and my pigeon-holed steadfast belief that my role as a good girl, as someone who’s responsible etc. overtake my innate sense of self. That fun girl who emerged one year when I lived abroad – I want her back!
I want her back in my life – that free-spirited, happy good girl who had a spark and a twinkle in her eye. That girl who said YES to life!
It will take time for me to transform, like the caterpillar becomes the butterfly. I know that sounds so cheesy and cliche to me too, but it gives me the images that I want. I’m tired of living in the cocoon of my own making.
Let’s do this together! If you’re inclined to join me, come take my hand! The song’s by Eminem called Not Afraid and here’s the chorus that I keep hearing in my head.
I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Come take my hand come (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road.