I lamented my former husband’s leaving. I wallowed in the grief, stunned by his sudden departure. I had been dumped. Left by him and his family and I suffered. I couldn’t see past my grief no matter what I did, no matter how I tried to find the good in the divorce. So, I concentrated on being the best Mom and Dad (since he left the kids too) and just put all of my energy into that role.
As a fixer and someone who will rise to the responsibility of whatever I’m supposed to, I took care of everyone and everything around me. Of course there were times when I isolated and fell into the pity party syndrome, but when the kids needed me, up I jumped to attention and put all the grief on the back burner to be dealt with when things were quieter.
And once the divorce was over, I looked upon myself as someone who wasn’t worthy. Perhaps you felt that way too? That dismal realization that your marriage partner, husband of 20+ years, whom you loved and who you thought loved you, deserted you. And I took it as I wasn’t enough for him to stay. That the kids and I weren’t worthy enough for him to stay. And I berated myself for it because I loved him so much and couldn’t imagine a life without him.
I believed it for awhile I will admit. I had no other reason to think differently because of all that happened in my life. It was a resounding reminder that I wasn’t enough, again.
Until…I decided to work on me…
and that’s when the light began to enter the darkness and I found healing.
It has been through countless friends who took the time to talk with me that I was able to unravel those beliefs that held me back from being me Authentically Janie and it’s been a journey, but one that I am most grateful for – grateful for all of you who have taken the time to write to me, to share your stories, to give advice and to support me as I’ve been healing. And I thank you my blogging friends and all of my friends that have lent a listening ear, kind words and snippets of wisdom.
Because it takes patience, love and guidance to heal, but the work in healing ourselves has to be our own responsibility. Working through the traumas, the sadness and understanding the other person’s point of view helps. Hearing from people who have had similar experiences made me feel less alone. Finding a supportive community filled with kindness made the road less bumpy.
Making the choice to heal myself was my first step forward. Sure, I did a bit of one step up, two steps back, sometimes falling back into old patterns of thought, but I went through the grieving steps that were necessary. And then I sat still and allowed the rebirth to come.
It occurred to me the other day that I no longer call myself ‘divorced’ with a sad face. I am no longer thinking of myself as being a divorced woman who was left. All that preaching to myself about how this is a new life, a new chapter, has begun to gel in my attitude, in my mannerism, and in my thought process.
True, I was married and I have my sons from that union. And I do not regret it. I am grateful for the relationship and all that has evolved since we said ‘I do’ to the marriage and eventually ‘I do’ to the divorce because it’s led me to this moment in time.
At this precious moment in time, I feel capable, grateful, happy, healthy and peaceful with my life as it is. I am centered and I know who I am. I have transitioned from the broken divorcee into a woman who is enjoying her freedom and continuing to work on myself. Sure, I still believe in love and I’d like to have faith that when it’s time, I will meet someone special, but in the meantime, I’m enjoying my friends, my family and my time.
But I feel good…finally…I feel good.
It’s amazing how time does heal if we allow the healing. It’s a tricky, winding journey to be sure, but it’s well worth the effort when we try.
So on this Valentine’s Day, if you’re alone, take heart, there’s healing to be done, but you can do it if you try. Slowly but surely, things do get better and most importantly, YOU get better until one day, like me, you can look back on all of this and be grateful for where its helped you to arrive.